MRTOGO-.MAID 
OF  ALL  WORK 


Wallace  Irwin 


MR.  TOGO 


Hoping  you  are  the  same, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA   TOGO 


MR.    TOGO 

MAID  OF  ALL  WORK 


WALLACE  IRWIN 

(HASHIMURA  TOGO) 


NEW  YORK 

DUFFIELD  &  COMPANY 
1913 


COPYRIGHT,  1913 
BY  DUFFIELD  &  COMPANY 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

I    THE     HON.     VACUUM     WHO     CLEANS 

THINGS i 

II  HON.  BABY  AND  WHAT  To  Do  WITH  HIM  13 

III  HON.  Miss  DRESSMAKER 25 

IV  THE  HUSBAND'S  PLACE  IN  THE  HOME    .  37 
V  How  SHOULD  I  Do  PAPER-BAG  COOKING?  49 

VI  HON.  DISH  RAG  vs.  THE  HON.  CHINA    .  61 

VII '  A  DAY  AT  HOME 73 

VIII  PETS 87 

IX  WASHING  WINDOWS 97 

X  PAPER-HANGING 109 

XI  HON.  GLADYS  OBTAIN  MATRIMONY     .     .  121 

XII  FALL  CLEANING 133 

XIII  APARTMENT  HOUSE  LIFE  IN  NEW  YORK  .  145 

XIV  CAN  AUTOMOBILES  BE  TAMED  FOR  HOME 

USE? .157 

XV    PICNIC   PARTY 169 

XVI    AN  ADVENTURE  IN  BANTING  .  181 


R57213 


I    THE  HON.  VACUUM  WHO  CLEANS 
THINGS 


I    THE  HON.  VACUUM  WHO  CLEANS 
THINGS 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page  who  make  bright 
talk  on  dusty  subjects. 

T\ EAR  SIR: 

••— *  I  have  just  abandoned  the  home  of 
Mrs.  Hirem  B.  Bellus,  Trenton,  N.  J.,  where 
I  was.  I  shall  describe  circumstances,  show 
ing  how  I  quit  it. 

This  Mrs.  Bellus,  211  Ibs.  sweethearted  lady 
complete  with  curly-puff  hair,  employ  me  for 
do  Gen.  Housework,  price  $4.50  weekly  pay 
ment.  This  are  too  less  money,  but  she  tell 
me  small  pay  for  small  Japanese  are  entirely 
satisfactory.  Satisfactory  to  who?  I  ask  it. 
No  reply  from  her. 

"Are  you  an  intelligent  duster ?"  are  first 
question  for  her. 

"  Japanese  dusters  is  more  intellectual  than 
Turkey  dusters,"  I  snop  back.  "I  am  ac 
quainted  with  the  habits  of  dirt  and  how  to 
kill  him.  I  am  an  experienced  soaper  and  a 
fearless  rubb.  Therefore,  you  hire  me." 
3 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Have  you  ieVer  cleaned  with  a  Vacuum?" 
she  ask  to  know. , , 

My  GOU!  was  exhausted  to  answer  this 
peculiarity. 

"  I  never  met  him,"  I  acknowledge. 

"  How  could  I  hire  servant  girl  not  fa 
miliar  with  this  form  of  art?"  she  require 
peevly.  "  Vacuum  cleaning  are  most  delight 
ful  sport  of  home  life  to-day.  It  are  enjoyed 
even  in  the  farthest  suburbs  of  the  Universe, 
and  yet  you  ignore  it !  " 

"Ah,  Mrs.  Boss  Lady,"  I  pledge  with 
pathos,  "  do  not  fire  me  before  hiring  takes 
place!  Try  my  sagacity.  I  shall  learn  to 
wrastle  with  this  Vacuum  you  told  about  until 
you  are  proud  to  know  me." 

So  she  took  me  to  store  room  and  introduce 
me  to  Hon.  Vacuum. 

The  Hon.  Vacuum  that  cleans,  Mr.  Editor, 
are  like  an  ingrowing  garden  hose.  He  can 
inhale  forever  without  coughing  outwards. 
He  are  a  species  of  mechanical  snake  whose 
breath  always  travels  toward  his  tail.  To  use 
him,  following  directions  must  be  did: 

I — Screw  tail  of  Hon.  Vacuum  to  sprocket 
in  wall. 

2 — Button  the  electricity  and  see  what  hap 
pen. 

4 


The  Hon.  Vacuum 

3 — You  will  hear  a  sound.  It  will  resem 
ble  moan  of  puppy  cats  aggravated  by  Win 
ter  blowing  cyclones  among  ghosts.  I  can 
not  hear  that  Vacuum  noise  without  feeling 
of  lonesome  poetry. 

4 — Hon.  Vacuum  begin  to  act  disturbed. 
That  are  sign  he  want  to  eat  dust. 

5 — Find  some  dust.     Lead   Hon.  Vacuum 
to  this  and  say,  "  Sick  him !  "    Snorts !     Hon. 
Dust  will  jump  to  nowhere  while  Hon.  Vac 
uum  howell  for  more  food. 
» 

What  are  this  Hon.  Vacuum,  anyhows? 
Hon.  Dictionary  Book  say  "  Vacuum  are 
Nothing."  How  could  Mr.  Danl  Webster 
speak  such  untruth  by  his  Dictionary? 
Vacuum  cannot  be  Nothing  and  yet  make  so 
much  noises. 

This  intellectual  Vacuum  machinery  re 
semble  ostriches  in  what  they  eat.  He  de 
light  to  sip  up  tacks,  needles,  buttons  and 
other  hard  groceries.  He  appreciate  small 
wad  of  paper  occasionally,  but  when  I  attempt 
feed  him  entire  newspaper  he  hold  it  firmly 
against  his  nose,  but  refuse  to  go  further 
more.  I  should  like  a  photo  of  his  diges 
tion. 

Mrs.  Bellus,  who  are  a  wonderfully  house- 
5 


The  Hon.  Vacuum 

kept  lady,  admire  this  Vacuum  more  than 
any  of  her  relatives. 

"  I  hate  Dust,"  she  proclaim  to  me. 

"  Why  should  it?  "  I  require.  "  Nearly  all 
Earth  are  composed  of  this  delicious  powder. 
Mexico,  Sahara  Desert  &  Jersey  City  is  built 
on  dust  and  enjoys  it  continuously.  Entire 
Italian  army  fight  to  get  Tripoli,  which  are 
nothing  but  dust  inhabited  by  Mohammed." 

"  They  are  welcome  to  get  it,"  she  snib. 
"With  a  regiment  of  Vacuum  Cleaners  led 
by  Gen.  Housekeeping  I  could  wipe  both 
armies  off  from  Morocco  and  make  it  fit  to 
sleep  in." 

I  am  shocked  by  her  cleanliness.  Yet  I  ask 
to  know  one  question. 

"  Mrs.  Madam,"  I  reproach,  "  tell  me  this 
reply.  When  Hon.  Vacuum  supp  up  dust 
from  this  carpet,  to  where  do  it  go  to?" 

She  indicate  Heaven  with  her  thumb. 

"  Up  there  is  grand  blow-away  hole  which 
shoo  it  off,"  she  answer  it. 

So  I  continue  on  absorbing  hairpins,  string 
and  other  germs  through  that  succulent  ma 
chinery. 

No  lady  I  work  for  are  equally  balanced  in 
their  manias.     Some  are  crazed  about  house- 
6 


The  Hon.  Vacuum 

flies;  cookery  seem  to  make  others  con 
tinuously  het-up;  others  seem  to  reverberate 
with  pain  when  mentioning  clothes-starch. 
This  Mrs.  Hirem  B.  Bellus  was  especially 
hobbed  on  that  Vacuum  Cleanliness.  She 
could  forgive  all  other  crimes,  no  matter  if  I 
brought  in  beefstake  too  much  charcoaled 
around  edges.  It  no  matter  if  I  too  sluggish 
with  my  feet  to  answer  door  when  it  bells. 
It  no  matter  if  I  make  outrageous  beds  or 
knock  gentle  glasswear  in  hard  sink.  She  for 
give.  But  she  was  deliciously  disgusted  if 
Hon.  Vacuum  was  not  mourning  &  howelling 
all  day  long  while  Togo  poke  its  nose  around 
among  rugs  &  other  brick-brack. 

Her  husband  disagree  from  this. 

"  Togo's  biscuits  fill  my  teeth  with  hatred 
while  his  coffee  show  contemptible  weakness," 
Hon.  Bellus  dib  for  breakfast. 

"  Perhapsly,"  refute  Hon.  Mrs.,  "  yet  he  are 
one  of  the  best  Vacuum  Engineers  I  ever 
hired." 

"  I  cannot  eat  a  Vacuum,"  reject  that  Hus 
band-man,  with  hat-in-the-ring  expression. 

"  I  are  not  responsible  for  your  animal  hun 
gers,"  corrode  this  Wife  while  she  arose  and 
gently  order  me  to  take  Hon.  Vacuum  down 
cellar  for  vacate  2  coal-bins  and  a  ashbarrel. 


Mr.  Togo:  Mftid  of  All  Work 

I  retained  this  situation  of  jobs  for  six  com 
plete  days'  work.  All  day  long  I  go  around 
house  dragging  hose  like  a  fireman.  I  got 
that  intelligent  Vacuum  so  trained  that  he 
could  do  tricks  of  extreme  cuteness.  He 
could  coax  shoe-buttons  entirely  across  room 
by  his  talented  suction,  and  when  they  got  up 
to  his  nose  —  gubble!  They  disappear  to 
zero.  He  loved  to  catch  flies  by  breathing 
them  inwards;  and  once  he  attempt  to  with 
draw  Mrs.  Bellus'  weak  canary  bird  from  cage. 
Which  he  not  quite  did,  but  too  nearly. 

So  I  continue  on  practicing  this  suctionary 
job;  and  I  got  so  smart  from  it  that  I  was 
preparing  to  request  Hon.  Mrs.  for  more 
wage  of  salary,  when  some  unpleasantness  ex 
ploded.  I  sorry  to  tell  you. 

Last  Tuesday  Hon.  Mrs.  Hirem  B.  Bellus 
come  to  me  and  say  with  gloves  &  hat : 

"  I  go  for  lunching  at  Aunt  Maria  Stewart 
whose  great  wealth  includes  asthma  and  make 
her  disagreeable  but  necessary.  Be  faithful 
with  your  Vacuum  while  I  are  away." 

I  promus  her. 

"  Grocer  man  will  be  here  this  p.  m.  for 
collect  bill/'  she  corrode  with  indignation 
peculiar  to  debts.  "  Here  are  20$  banknote 
8 


The  Hon.  Vacuum 

for  payment.  I  owe  him  26$.  Tell  him  to 
keep  the  change." 

So  she  part  off,  leaving  me  that  20$  paper 
of  extreme  value.  Mr.  Editor,  it  make  me 
nervus  to  be  alone  with  great  wealth.  Sip- 
posing  some  burglary  should  come  by  win 
dow  ?  Sipposing  my  dishonest  instinct  should 
fly  up  and  make  me  skip  Canada  with  cash- 
money  ? 

Yet  I  was  entirely  faithful  by  that  20$.  I 
took  him  and  fold  him  to  smallish  wad,  then 
I  lay  him  carefully  in  crack  of  sofa  where 
burglars  could  not  see,  yet  I  could  not  for 
get  where  was.  Hon.  Vacuum  stood  near 
purring  softly  while  I  done  this.  Who  could 
expect  what  shall  be? 

Me  &  Hon.  Vacuum  continue  our  vacuous 
task,  making  kick-back  of  dust  wherever  was. 
I  run  him  over  rugs  so  oftenly  that  he  pull 
holes  from  them.  I  make  him  sniff  all  cob 
ble-webs  from  the  pictures  &  poke  his  nose 
into  each  corner  where  was.  We  was  very 
friendly,  me  &  Vacuum. 

I  continue  to  vac.     After  Hon.  Vacuum  had 

sniffed  off  all  wall  paper,  sideboard,  etc.,  I 

remember   how   upholsterish   chairs   &   sofas 

must  be  cured  of  germs  also,  so  I  vacuate  these 

9 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

velvet  upholsters.  I  was  doing  very  nicely, 
thank  you,  when,  of  suddenly,  I  point  nose  of 
Hon.  Vacuum  to  sofa  where  that  20$  bill  was 
setting  tightly.  Yet  no  financial  panics  came 
to  me  until— O  FRIGHTS!!  That  20$  bill 
begin  hopping  toward  Hon.  Vacuum's  nose 
with  hypnofied  expression  peculiar  to  birds 
when  eaten  by  charming  snakes! 

I  make  snatch  for  money — alast!  I  was 
too  late  in  beginning.  Hon.  Bill  make  leap 
to  nose  of  Hon.  Vacuum — gollup!  Down 
long,  thin  throat  of  this  machinery  that 
wealthy  cash  was  swallowed.  I  try  to  choke 
him  so  he  give  it  back, — but  useless  it  was. 
That  cash-paper  had  flipped  into  his  interior 
digestion  before  Jack  Robinson  could  say  it. 

So  I  unbotton  electricity  and  look  down 
Hon.  Vacuum  with  considerable  angry  rage. 
What  had  he  did  with  my  trustful  money  ?  O 
how  my  indignation  jump  up !  How  could  this 
mechanical  snake  treat  me  so  trickful  after  I 
had  chaperoned  him  and  fed  him  dust  for 
several  complete  days?  I  shook  him  with 
grand  cruelty  in  hopes  to  make  him  cough 
back  that  wealth  of  Mrs.  Hirem  B.  Bellus. 
He  remain  entirely  bulldoggish  with  that  bill 
clasped  somewheres  inside. 

Then  I  remember  how  Mrs.  Bellus  had  told 
10 


The  Hon.  Vacuum 

me  how  trash  suctioned  away  by  Hon.  Vac 
uum  was  blowed  high-ward  through  hole  in 
roof.  Maybe  I  should  catch  that  20$  yet  be 
fore  he  got  out!  So  with  immediate  quick 
ness  I  got  top-ladder  &  clomb  to  roof  where 
I  dishcover  hole.  Yet  it  was  entirely  penni 
less.  Now  &  occasionally  slight  spurt  of  dust 
blow  from  hole;  sometimes  one  shoe-button 
would  popp  out  from  where  Hon.  Vacuum 
had  kicked  him.  Yet  that  hole  remain  like  a 
bursted  bank,  refusing  to  surrender  money. 

Afar  off  in  direction  of  Pennsylvania  I 
could  observe  slight  dusty  expression  of  sky. 
I  feel  sure  that  was  Mrs.  Bellus'  money  travel 
ling  West. 

Enjoying  great  discouragements  I  got  down 
from  that  roofly  seat  and  wrote  following 
telegram  to  Mrs.  Bellus  before  walking  fare 
well: 

"  Togo  is  resigned.  Hon.  Vacuum  blow  your  20$. 
So  sorry  to  say.  The  unexpected  often  happen,  so 
you  may  get  this  money  back,  as  I  do  not  see  how 
you  ever  can.  When  last  seen  it  was  going  to  Penn 
sylvania  where  I  shall  be  there  to  catch  it  if  he  fall 
down  and  send  back  by  P.  O.  delivery." 

When  I  wrote  this  telegram  I  pin  him  to 
kitchen  door  and  walk  rapidly  away  with  ex 
pression  of  one  going  West  and  expecting  to 
II 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

arrive  there.     And  while  travelling  I   think 
of  one   wise   quotation :    "  Nature   abhors   a 
Vacuum."     I  am  agreeable  to  Nature  in  this. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


12 


II     HON.   BABY  AND  WHAT  TO  DO 
WITH  HIM 


II    HON.   BABY  AND   WHAT  TO   DO 
WITH  HIM 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page,  who  was  once  a 
Baby,  but  has  got  over  it. 

DEAR  Mr.  Sir: 
I  have  now  released  myself  from 
Patriot's  Bluff,  Ohio,  where  I  took  consid 
erable  experience  away  with  me.  There  I 
done  home-work  for  Mr  &  Mrs  Henery  M. 
Bushel  &  child  for  delicious  cheapness  of 
wages,  thank  you.  When  I  approach  this 
Bushel  home  2  weeks  formerly  from  now, 
Hon.  Mrs  (refined  lady  with  wealthy  golden 
tooth)  look  severely  at  my  Japanese  humility. 

"Togo,"  she  narrate,  "this  house  contains 
the  brightest,  most  valuable  &  booflest  Hon. 
Baby  in  all  world." 

I  attempt  to  look  surprised.  "  Mrs  Mad 
am,"  I  say  gradually,  "  I  have  worked  already 
at  13^  places  which  also  contained  the  bright 
est,  most  valuable  &  booflest  Hon.  Baby  in 
all  world.  How  could  it?  Did  them  other 
places  all  have  same  baby  ?  " 
IS 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  No.  But  them  other  babies  was  all  im- 
posters,"  she  dib. 

So  she  led  me  to  setting-room,  walking 
with  quiet  toes  and  wrapped  expression 
peculiar  to  folks  approaching  Mikado  or 
some  other  President.  In  %  size  rocking-bed 
I  observe  Hon.  Baby  laying  among  consider 
able  softness  and  appearing  quite  babyhood. 

"  Are  he  not  remarkabilious  child  ? "  she 
require. 

"  I  are  sure  he  must  be  very  distinguished," 
I  say  sweetishly. 

"Why  you  think  so?"  she  require  with 
gently  smiling. 

"  Because,"  I  says  so,  "  all  distinguished 
persons  appears  quite  plain  when  first  ob 
served." 

"  I  do  not  care  to  hear  your  foreign 
thoughts,"  she  grudge. 

Hon.  Baby  make  happy  guggle  to  see  me, 
so  I  know  we  should  get  very  friendship  to 
gether.  I  waggle  my  thumbs  to  him,  so  he 
make  more  laugh. 

"  DON'T ! !  "  holla  Hon.  Mrs.  "  You  wish 
explode  my  child's  nerves  by  this  actions?" 

"  Are  it  injurious  for  childhood  to  laugh 
at  my  thumbs  ?  "  I  ask  it. 

"  Many  children  are  spoilt  forever  by  too 
16 


Hon.  Baby 

much  laughter  in  infancy,"  she  explan.  "I 
raise  this  child  like  I  raise  biscuits  —  by  book. 
Volume  entitled  'How  Do  It  to  Grow  Best 
Children '  tell  me  delicious  nervus  diseases 
what  children  will  be  entitled  to  if  not  care 
ful.  By  feeding,  exercise,  etc,  I  intend  to 
make  this  Babe  great  man  for  future." 

"  Shall  he  be  Presidential  Candidate,  per- 
hapsly?"  I  require. 

"  No !  he  shall  never  have  such  brutal  treat 
ment  !  "  she  exclam.  "  Yet  I  are  sure  he  shall 
be  great  because  he  has  his  grandfather's 
eyes." 

I  could  not  believe  such  youngly  child  could 
rob  old  gentleman  of  his  eyesight.  Yet  I  say 
nothing.  "Have  he  got  a  name?"  I  re 
quire  for  chivalry. 

"Several,"  she  report.  "He  are  pro 
nounced  Alexander  Applegate  Leopold 
Bushel." 

"  Bushel  baskets  have  been  filled  with  less," 
I  say  punnishly.  "  That  name  surrounds  him 
completely." 

"  For  shortness  we  call  him  Goo,"  she  say 
so.  "Now  I  shall  tell  you  his  daily  pro 
gramme."  She  take  paper  from  table  and 
read  me  following  list  of  deeds  intended  for 
that  Babyhood: 

17 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

5:30  to  6  A.M.  crying  exercises  enjoyed  for  de 
velopment  of  lung. 

6:15  sterilised  milk  programme  with  bottle. 

7:30  Hon.  Baby  bathed  in  fluid  offensive  to  mi- 
krobes.  Hon.  Father  then  permitted  to  bring  out 
scales  and  weigh  Hon.  Baby  so  to  show  he  soon  will 
be  a  Physical  Perfection  like  Family. 

8: 10  A.  M.  y2  hour  baby-talk  conversation  by  his 
mother  for  development  of  brain. 

8:40  slight  perambulation  in  baby-cab  continuing 
2  hours.  This  trip  must  go  through  considerable 
streets  and  scenery,  so  Hon.  Baby  will  get  used  to 
travel. 

10:40  homeward  arrival.  More  crying  exercises 
enjoyed  for  benefit  of  lung. 

11:30  continual  sleep  programme  until  entirely 
saturated  with  slumber. 

Afternoon  —  same  like  morning  programme,  only 
more  so. 

Hon  Mrs  Bushel  told  me  this  with  in 
tense  accuracy  peculiar  to  statistics. 

"You  speak  reverently  about  sterilised 
milk,"  I  pronounce.  "  How  do  you  make  this 
youthful  beveridge?" 

"  This  milk  are  best  science  for  all  baby," 
she  report.  "You  put  him  in  clean  kettle 
&  boil  him  to  scalding  point—" 

"Boil  Baby  to  scalding  point?"  I  screech 
with  shocks. 

"  No! !  Boil  milk,"  she  otter. 
18 


Hon.  Baby 

Which    show    what    difficult    housekeeping 
babies  can  be. 


Mr  Editor,  one  important  rule  I  notice 
about  babies  —  you  must  not  never  give  them 
nothing  that  they  want.  This  Hon.  Bushel 
Baby  are  continuously  poking  forth  sweet 
hands  and  making  considerable  blueness  from 
his  eyes  to  show  his  undesirable  whims  &  re 
quisitions.  One  time  I  was  approaching  steps 
with  loo-lb  ice-chunk  for  kitchen.  Hon. 
Baby  seen  this  and  order  some  by  making 
finger-signals.  How  could  I  disobey  this  toy 
boss?  So  I  split  off  slight  fracture  of  ice  & 
was  attempting  to  make  present  of  this  to  him 
when  —  O  scream !  Mrs  Boss  came  flewing 
outward  and  seen  what  was. 

"  Stop !  "  she  holla.  "  You  wish  refrigerate 
that  darling  interior  ?  " 

I  feel  entirely  hashed  for  my  ignorance. 

Another  occasion  Hon.  Baby  reach  forth 
and  begin  eating  loose  end  of  my  pink  calicoed 
apron  with  toothless  expression  of  sublime 
joyness.  While  he  ate  he  say,  "Ah-Goo!" 
which  are  Chinese  words  meaning  "  a  good 
salad  can  be  made  of  almost  anything." 

Screams ! ! !  "  What  style  murder  are  you 
19 


Mr.  Togo:  MM  of  All  Work 

serving  to  my  child  now?"  yall  Mrs    Henery 
M.  Bushel  hysterially. 

"  Excuse  please.  Are  aprons  injurious  for 
food  supply  ?  "  I  ask  to  know. 

For  answer  Hon.  Mrs  Bushel  grabb  him  to 
arms  &  rosh  at  telephone. 

"  Hello,  Doctor  yes,  come  to  the  poisoning 
quick ! "  she  gollup.  Then  she  walk  forward 
&  back  adding  groans  while  Hon.  Baby  ob 
serve  her  emotions  with  great  amusement. 

Honk-honk  to  door.  Hon.  Dr  Ottomobile 
arrive  with  chuggs  &  he  hop  f orthly  containing 
bags  and  implements. 

"  Where  is  poison  ?  "  he  require,  calm  but 
nervus  while  his  beard  look  entirely  scientific. 

"  Here  are !  "  hissy  Hon.  Mrs  tearing  forth 
my  apron.  "  Hon.  Baby  ate  this  heartily." 

Hon.  Dr  took  out  mikeroscope.  First  he 
look  at  Hon.  Baby  through  his  mouth,  then 
he  poke  that  glass  against  my  apron  and  peep 
with  earnestness. 

"This  article  contain  101  per  cent,  ven 
omous  products,"  he  explan.  "In  addition 
there  is  maniac  acid  solution  with  hypocriti 
cal  sublimate.  I  am  surprised  to  see  your 
child  looking  so  well,  because  by  Science  he 
should  be  dead  9  times." 

Hon.  Mrs    wept,  but  Hon.  Baby  continue 

20 


Hon.  Baby 

making  gurgle-laugh  with  Xmas  dinner  ex 
pression.  For  48  complete  hours  his  parents 
continued  standing  on  end,  expecting  that 
child  to  perish  off,  because  he  was  so  much 
better  behaved  than  usual. 
*  *  * 

Me  &  Alexander  continue  to  be  dear  col 
lege  chums;  yet  I  was  entirely  nervus  to  ap 
proach  him,  because  I  was  afraid  I  might  ex 
plode  some  science  connected  with  it.  But  all 
commencements  have  their  finish.  One  day 
it  came  thusly: 

"Take  Hon.  Baby  for  sidewalk  prome 
nade,"  holla  Mrs  Henery  M.  Bushel  from  up 
stairs  side.  "  You  will  find  peramble-buggy 
on  front  porch.  You  must  begone  2  hours 
and  not  aggrevate  him  by  your  foolish  atten 
tions.  If  he  begin  to  cry,  wheel  homewards." 

"  Shall  do  so,"  I  terminate. 

"And  remember  thus,"  she  commute. 
"  So  long  as  he  silent,  you  must  not  notice 
him." 

So  I  put  on  hat  &  go  f orthly  to  front  porch 
where  peramble-buggy  was  there.  I  wheel 
this  along  without  noticing  Hon.  Baby,  be 
cause  I  was  ordered  to  snub  it.  The  faithful 
duty  I  always  possess  made  me  entirely  noble. 
I  did  not  even  peek  in  buggy  for  see  how  he 

21 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

look.  Such  were  my  obedience  to  command 
ments.  For  I  hour  I  push  that  child-cab 
through  fashionable  streets  where  he  can  be 
come  educated  by  society  sights.  Silence 
from  him.  For  21  minute  I  wheel  him  by 
rivers,  trees  &  scenery  where  he  could  be 
come  educated  in  Nature.  Silence  yet  from 
him.  For  15  minute  I  ride  him  by  bank-build 
ings,  offices,  drug-stores,  so  he  can  get  educated 
in  business  conditions.  And  yet  he  remain 
silent  like  a  hypnofied  fly.  His  refined  be 
haviour  made  me  feel  lonesome  —  to  pass  i 
hour,  36  minute  without  some  cry-exercises 
were  too  much  for  me  to  believe.  He  must 
be  wrong  somewheres.  So,  in  defy  to  Hon. 
Boss  Lady's  orders,  I  lift  back  top  from  that 
child-carriage  —  and  O  shocks!  What  I 
seen?  Nothing!!  Hon.  Baby  were  not 
there!!!!!! 

My  brain  began  running  backwards. 
Where  could  Hon.  Baby  went?  Was  he 
pulled  out  of  buggy  by  airships  while  I  was 
not  looking?  Had  he  drop  from  bottom  of 
that  cart  or  crolled  over  side  and  eloped 
secretively?  I  confused  in  all  directions 
while  my  heart  remained  stationary. 

With  empty  baby-trundle  I  trott  along  each 
sidewalk  requiring,  "  You  seen  loose  baby  ?  " 
22 


Han.  Baby 

from  each  persons  who  said  they  didn't. 
Hon.  Police  come  and  ask  me  what  was.  I 
told  so. 

"Black  Hand  stole  urn!"  Holla  Hon. 
Police  with  rabid  calm.  So  he  commence  to 
trott  along  by  me  while  48  mobbed  persons 
join  up  with  us.  "  Have  you  saw  loose 
baby  ?  "  everybody  ask  it.  Nobody  had. 

Finally,  made  desperado  by  my  fear,  I  de 
cide  to  return  back  to  home  of  Bushel  and 
report  what  was.  So  elope  I  there,  chaper 
oned  by  Hon.  Police  &  persons.  I  stood  by 
porch  with  quaker  knees,  knowing  Mrs  Bushel 
would  be  irritated  to  lose  such  nice  child. 
While  I  stood  thusly  —  beholt!  Door  flew 
ope  and  out  come  Hon.  Mrs  carrying  Hon. 
Baby  in  arms! 

"Fool  Togo!"  she  yellup. 

"  Yes,  please !  "     This  from  me. 

"  When  you  left  house  with  Hon.  Buggy 
how  could  you  forgot  ?  " 

"  Forgot  what  ?  "  I  asked  to  know. 

"  You  forgot  Baby !  "  she  snagger. 

Then  I  remember  what  was.  When  I  left 
house  she  told  I  shouldn't  disturb  Hon.  Baby, 
so  I  forgot  to  look  see  if  he  was  there  in  Hon. 
Buggy ! 

"  Mrs  Madam,"  I  erupt,  stretching  myself 
23 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

upwards  to  Samurai  height.  "  By  not  taking 
your  baby  out  and  losing  him,  I  saved  his  life. 
Yet  I  shall  charge  you  nothing  for  this  hero 
ism." 

"  You  shall  save  his  life  again  by  eloping 
away  from  hither  at  once,"  she  dib  wild-cat- 
tishly.  "  Leave  baby-cab  on  front  porch  and 
let  me  see  your  absence." 

So  I  made  very  sorry  removal  feeling 
similar  to  one  who  make  a  living  swallowing 
dull  swords. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same,  yours  truly 
Hashimura  Togo. 


Ill    HON.  MISS  DRESSMAKER 


Ill    HON.  MISS  DRESSMAKER 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page  Who  Understand 
How  Ladies  Can  Be  Dress-Made  Until  They 
Appear  Beautiful. 

DEAR  Mr  Sir: 
During  my  progress  around  from 
places  to  places  I  have  got  acquaintance  with 
all  sorts  American  musical  instruments. 
Banjos,  gasolene,  stoves,  trumbones  and 
basso  drums  I  have  heard  shooting  their 
music.  But  never  until  of  recently  did  I 
encounter  a  sew-machine  doing  so.  Sew- 
machines  are  different  from  pianos  in  several 
ways.  Pianos  are  good  for  accompany  ladies 
singing;  sew-machines  are  useful  for  accom 
pany  ladies  gossiping.  This  I  notice. 

Place  at  which  I  was  most  formerly  em 
ployed  was  Mrs  Jno  W.  Smith  (pronounced 
the  same  way)  who  reside  by  her  husband 
near  Poison  Ivy  View,  Conn. 

This  Mrs  Smith  have  a  mind  full  of  dry- 
goods.  She  speak  of  her  friends  in  dress- 
make  language  entirely. 

"Jno,"  she  say  to  her  husband  when  they 
27 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

set  down  for  dinner-eat  ceremony,  "  to-day 
I  met  the  most  charming  Brussels  lace  with 
accordeon  tassels  at  wrists  and  elbows." 

"  What  was  her  name  in  real  life  ? "  re 
quire  Hon.  Smith  with  nervus  expression  of 
check-book. 

"Mrs  Ethel  Crabapple,"  report  Hon.  Mrs 
Jno,  her  mind  making  drop-stitches  of  fash 
ionable  pattern.  "  She  have  took  up  woman- 
suffrage  movement  and  speaks  very  beautiful 
under  her  pink  majolica  hat  of  baby  ostrich 
plumes." 

Hon.  Jno  Smith  sigh  like  a  bye-gone  day. 

"Ethel  Crabapple!"  he  renig  for  slight 
sentiment.  "  I  knew  her  when  she  was  merely 
Ethel  Scraggs.  How  is  she?" 

"  Quite  well,  I  think,"  relapse  Mrs  Jno. 
"  She  spoke  on  Progress  wearing  a  green 
opera  cloak  of  cerise  burlap  aggrevated  with 
panels  of  Arabian  chiffon  and  satin  annex 
at  collar." 

Hon.  Smith  withdraw  himself  from  this 
conversation  for  fear  he  might  be  asked  to 
buy  some  similar  uniform  for  his  wife. 

When  this  Mrs  Smith  are  asked  to  ball- 
parties,  dance-step  festivals,  trolley-ride, 
bridge-play  gambol,  etc.,  she  look  extremely 
downtrodden  for  days  &  days.  Her  hus- 
28 


Hon.  Miss  Dressmaker 

band  remain  calm  but  frightened,  like  Wall 
Street  before  it  collapses.  Of  finally  she  lead 
Hon.  Smith  to  breakfast  where  she  report 
distinctually, 

"  I  am  absent  of  all  clothing  to  wear  any 
wheres." 

I  do  not  notice  this.  But  Hon.  Jno  grone 
severely  while  he  give  her  all  the  wealth  of 
his  pockets.  Then  he  go  glubly  away  to  his 
office  feeling  like  the  Queen  of  Sheba's  hus 
band  when  it  was  fashionable  for  ladies  to 
dress  in  solid  gold  with  diamond  buttons. 

About  one  week  of  yore  my  Hon.  Boss 
Lady  come  at  me  and  decry, 

:<  Togo,"  she  say,  "  one  extra  plate  must 
arrive  to  table  this  week." 

"  You  expecting  some  person  ?  "  I  ask  out. 

"  No.     Only  a  dressmake,"  report  her. 

"  Must  I  mix  extra  food  for  her  daily?  "  I 
snuggest. 

"Ah,  no,  not  to  do,"  she  repartee  with 
economy  voice.  "  This  Miss  Dressmake  will 
eat  what  the  family  does." 

"  If  she  eat  what  the  family  does,  what 
will  the  family  eat  ?  "  I  ask  to  know. 

No  reply  to  this  request. 

Several  considerable  days  before  Miss 
29 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  'All  Work 

Dressmake  arrive  up,  Mrs  Jno  W.  Smith 
spend  many  literary  hours  pursuing  stylish 
magazines  full  of  smiling  ladies  dressed  in 
colours.  Each  ladies  in  them  pictures  was  sur 
rounded  by  diagrams  &  patterns  showing  how 
she  was  made.  Mrs  Smith  select  these  por 
traits  carefully,  to  see  which  she  would  rather 
look  like.  She  prefer  portrait  of  lady  named 
"  Style  411446."  She  say  she  would  request 
Hon.  Dressmake  to  fix  her  appearance  like 
that. 

"  How  you  describe  this  dress,  please  ?  "  I 
ask  to  know. 

"  It  is  a  pan  velvet  shirred  and  basted  with 
the  yoke  separated  from  the  white/'  she  re 
port. 

"Eggs  can  be  cooked  in  similar  stylish 
fashion/*  I  communicate.  She  do  not  seem 
to  assimilate  them  words  I  said. 

Day  before  arrival  of  Hon.  Miss  Dressmake 
this  Mrs  Smith  derange  back  parlor  with 
delicious  variety  of  cloth  to  resemble  dry- 
goods  emporium.  Spools,  tapes  &  other  pat 
terns  are  confused  everywheres.  You  would 
expect  Panama  Canals  could  be  built  from 
such  a  preparations. 

"  Are  dressmake-ladies  expensive  artists  to 
employ?"  I  ask  it. 

30 


Hon.  Miss  Dressmaker 

"Deliciously  so,"  she  pop  back.  "They 
cost  $1.50  per  daily,  not  to  mention  wear  and 
tear  on  food  and  sew-machine.  I  expect  this 
lady  to  make  me  2  ball-dance  gowns,  I  wrap 
ping-kimono,  i  stylish  walk-suit,  2  costumes 
for  afternoon  tea  ceremony  and  J^  doz. 
pajamas  for  Hon.  Jno  Smith.  She  will  be 
employed  nearly  4  days." 

"  How  can  you  possibly  make  any  profit 
from  her  ?  "  I  ventriloquate.  No  reply  as  yet. 

Pretty  soonly  Hon.  Annie  B.  Goblin 
(Miss),  slightly  spinster  lady  of  detached  age, 
arrive  up  to  do  this  dressmake  employment. 
Her  complexion  was  concealed  behind 
freckles.  She  might  of  been  beautiful,  had 
she  not  been  homely. 

This  Miss  Goblin  lady  understood  inter 
national  sewing  to  any  extent.  She  could 
combine  Irish  lace,  China  silk  and  Persian 
embroidery  on  the  same  dress  without  the 
least  race-riot.  Few  politicians  can  keep  so 
many  nationalities  together  calmly. 

She  were  a  very  talented  sewing-bee  who 
never  quit  buzzing  with  conversations.  She 
was  one  of  them  ladies  what  makes  news 
papers  useless. 

Last  Thursday  A.  M.  Hon.  Mrs  Smith  give 
her  $4.80  worth  of  Baptist  silk  and  command 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

her  to  create  a  dress  to  resemble   Princess 
Patricia,  so  much  as  possible. 

"  At  that  price  I  can  make  you  look  like  a 
Queen  slightly  marked  down,"  communicate 
Hon.  Annie  B.  Goblin,  making  whizz  with 
sew-wheel,  at  same  time  telling  delicious 
society  news  with  her  pincushion  voice. 

"  Mrs  Horse  W.  Harvey  hope  to  be  a 
widow  soon,"  she  report  between  stitches. 
"  She  has  took  up  voice  culture  which  must 
kill  her  husband  with  rapidity.  She  owe  me 
$8.64  for  two  years  and  her  Jewish  lynx  set 
is  merely  her  husband's  fur  overcoat  warmed 
over." 

"  I  have  long  enjoyed  that  delicious  sus 
picion,"  deploy  Mrs  Jno  W.  Smith,  who  do 
not  care  for  gossip,  but  merely  stay  near  to 
oversea  that  job. 

"  Mrs  van  Swallow  Tagg  has  a  mortgage 
on  her  house  which  leaks,"  continue  on  this 
sewing-wasp.  "  I  am  sorry  for  her  peevish 
temper  which  is  a  disease.  Her  husband  is 
a  good  man,  but  dishonest." 

"  She  wears  her  hats  unbearably,"  reproach 
Mrs  Jno  W. 

"  Mrs  Cyrus  Q.  Bogle's  prominent  Aunt 
Angelica  drinks  patent  medicine  for  her  rheu- 


Hon.  Miss  Dressmaker 

"  How  shocked  I  am !  "  explode  Hon.  Mrs. 
"  Tell  me  some  more." 

"  Her  nephew  Joshua  who  goes  to  Yale 
to  study  footballing — excuse,  please,  would 
you  prefer  to  have  this  yoke  hooked  or  cut 
bias?" 

"  Cut  bias,  please,"  exclam  Mrs  Smith  with 
tense  voice.  "  What  did  you  say  about  Mrs 
Bogle's  Nephew  Joshua  who  go  to  Yale  ?  " 

"  He  arrive  home  from  Yale  smelling  dis- 
tinctually  of  cigarettes.  He  cannot  last 
long." 

"  Them  Bogles  contain  very  common  stock," 
repose  Mrs  Jno.  "  I  seldom  could  admire 
Mrs  Bogle's  character  since  she  came  to 
church  in  that  flowered  dimity  with  pan 
niers  of  heliotrope  velour  cut  umpire  style 
at  the  neck  with  a  demi-train  of  Belgian  bro 
cade." 

"  I  respect  your  grief,"  relapse  Hon.  Annie 
B. 

"  Although  she  are  one  of  my  dearest 
friends,"  explan  Mrs  Smith,  "  I  am  obliged  to 
add  stinginess  to  her  other  disagreeable  vir 
tues.  In  despite  of  the  fact  that  her  husband 
owns  one  complete  livery  stable,  she  still  con 
tinues  to  behave  like  the  Middle  Classes.  Her 
silk  dresses  are  only  nearly." 
33 


Mr.  Togo:  Moid  of  All  Work 

Jing-jing!!  This  from  front  door  bell. 
Too  bad  I  had  to  answer,  because  I  was  fas 
cinated  to  hear  that  brutish  remark  of  Hon. 
Bogles.  Howeverly,  I  was  dutiful  as  usual; 
so  I  elope  to  door-knob.  There  stood  one 
lady  wearing  fashionable  complexion.  She 
poke  forth  following  print  on  call-card : 


Mrs  Cyrus  Q.  Bogle 

At  Home  When  She  Is. 


"  Are  Mrs   Smith  residing  here  this  after 
noon?"  require  Mrs   Bogle. 

"  Yes,  if  convenient,"  I  say  to. 

"Are  she  too  busy  to  appear?" 

"  Yes.     Thanks." 

"Will   she  not   appear   to   me,   her  dear- 
friend?" 

"No,   Mrs    Madam.     Sorry.     Too   busy." 

"  Busy  what  with?"     This  from  her. 

"  She  are  employing  a  dressmake  lady  to 
gossip  about  you." 

"  Me ! !  "  she  exclam  without  sugar. 

Silence. 

"  What  stitches  did  this  dressmake  person 
take  in  my  character?"  she  corrode. 
34 


Hon.  Miss  Dressmaker 

"  She  say  your  Aunt  Angelica  drink  medi 
cine." 

"  Truthfully,  she  does." 
"  She    report    your    nephew    Joshua    eat 
cigarette-smudge." 

"  I  might  deny  that  uselessly." 
"  She    describe    your    husband's    dovish 
habits." 

"  I  also  realise  them." 
"  She    explain    how    your    dress    contains 
flounced   dimity   with   spaniels  of  heliotrope 
cut  umpire- fashion  at  neck  with  — " 

"No  more!"  holla  Mrs.  Bogle  dropping 
fire  from  her  eyebrows.  "Such  reports  are 
false  as  they  are  truthless.  I  permit  neigh 
bours  to  abuse  my  family,  but  when  they  dis 
tort  my  gowns  I  draw  the  string !  " 

She  done  so  by  making  door-bang  and  de 
parting  offward  amidst  furies. 

''Togo,   who   has   came   and   went   all    at 
once  ?  "  require  Hon.  Mrs   from  upstairs. 
"  Mrs  Cy  Q.  Bogle,  please." 
"  Mrs   Bogle  —  how   strange.     I   was   just 
discussing  her." 

"  I  told  her  you  was."    This  from  me. 
"WHAT!!!!"    This  from  her. 
I     repeat.      Loud     silence.      Sew-machine 
stop,  gossip  stop,  dressmake  stop. 
35 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Annie,"  I  hear  Mrs  Jno  W.  Smith  say, 
"  Bring  me  glass  of  water  to  faint  with.  Also 
discharge  Togo  sooner  than  possible." 

This  sound  so  unwelcome  to  me  that  I  re 
fuse  my  situation  by  going  away.  So  I  elope 
to  trolley  with  suit-case,  feeling  quite  the 
reverse. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same 
Yours  truly 

Hashimura  Togo. 


IV    THE  HUSBAND'S  PLACE  IN  THE 
HOME 


IV      THE  HUSBAND'S  PLACE  IN  THE 
HOME 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page,  who  give  Ladies 
such  delicious  advice  how  to  preserve  rasp 
berries,  beauty  and  other  species  of  vegetables. 

HON.  MR: 
At  home  of  Mrs.  Washington  Fillups 
where  I  was  employed  as  recently  as  3  days 
of  yore  I  obtain  many  chances  to  observe  some 
ladies  when  they  call. 

One  day  Mrs.  Oliver  Hix  approach  &  make 
ring-ring  to  front  door  which  I  oped  to  permit 
her  in.  I  notice  she  was  displayed  very 
stylishly  with  calling-card  appearance.  Her 
goldy  hair  contained  one  (i)  velvet  hat  of 
extreme  blackness  and  her  dress  was  all  sur 
rounded  with  fringes  like  a  piano-cover  or 
like  that  Indian  costume  of  Hon.  Buffalo  Bill. 

"Are  Mrs.  Fillups  to  home?"  she  inquire 
pridefully  poking  forth  her  name  with  card. 

"  She  are,"  I  report.  "  Yet  I  must  go  to 
see  if  she  will  acknowledge  it." 

Hon.  Mrs.  Fillups  were  up  in  sewing-room 
39 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

mending  sox  with  considerable  darn.  When 
I  told  her  who  was  there  she  report,  "  Her 
again  ? "  Then  she  dust  off  her  nose,  re 
organise  her  hairpins  and  trot  downward  to 
where  Mrs.  Hix  was. 

Kiss-kiss  heard.  Joy  shreeks.  Conversa 
tions  in  soprano  duet. 

It  was  my  duty  to  massage  off  the  mahogany 
furniture  in  dining-room  annexed  to  parlour, 
so  how  could  I  avoid  overhearing  what  they 
said?  I  did  not  attempt  to  do  so,  however 
much  I  tried.  It  was  my  duty  to  polish  that 
furniture  in  dining-room,  so  there  I  was.  If 
ladies  cannot  keep  their  conversation  hushed, 
Servants  cannot  make  their  ears  behave.  This 
is  human-natural. 

After  dis-cussing  topicks  like  baby,  coal- 
bills  &  other  luxuries,  they  commenced  gossip 
ing  about  some  articles  of  furniture  I  could 
not  understand.  Their  voices  was  so  inter 
rupted  I  could  not  catch-all,  but  this  is  what 
I  heard: 

Mrs.  Hix  say :  "  I  permit  mine  to  set  in 
parlour  when  company  comes.  This  is  most 
ostentatious  place." 

From  this  I  thought  she  was  talking  about 
a  piano. 

"  I  move  mine  into  library  every  night  after 
40 


The  Husband's  Place 

dinner,"  revoke  Mrs.  Fillups.  "  He  are  too 
smoky  for  parlour." 

From  that  I  supposed  she  was  talking  about 
a  stove. 

"  I  have  had  mine  for  ten  continuous  years," 
say  Mrs.  Hix  saddishly,  "  and  from  experi 
ence  I  am  sure  they  are  all  alike.  No  use  to 
be  neat  and  tidy  when  they  are  there.  They 
will  not  stay  put  like  other  furniture.  Set 
them  in  one  place  and  you  will  find  they  have 
moved  somewhere  else.  Dust  seems  to  collect 
wherever  they  stand. 

"  I  have  never  seen  one  that  could  make  a 
baby  comfortable.  Neither  are  they  able  to 
hold  a  newspaper  without  dropping  it  care 
lessly  here  &  there,"  report  Mrs.  Hix  with 
saddish  grone  of  dispair. 

"  And  yet  strange  thing,"  interject  Mrs. 
Fillup.  "  How  useless  home  would  seem  if  it 
did  not  contain  one !  " 

Mrs.  Fillup  &  Mrs.  Hix  now  make  whisper 
with  hissy  voices.  I  could  not  hear,  although 
both  my  ears  stood  endwise  with  excitement. 
I  wish  folks  would  not  be  so  secretive  when 
they  have  secrets ! 

Pretty  soonly  Hon.  Hix  Lady  make  up- 
riseing  and  depart  off.  More  kiss-kiss  cere 
mony.  She  go.  Then  she  step  back  and  say 
41 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

more.  She  go  again,  but  come  back  for  an 
encore.  More  conversations  containing  secre 
tive  talk.  Ladies  is  always  thus  —  they  tell 
all  the  important  news  in  the  postscript. 

Pretty  soonly  she  was  gone  entirely.  I  step 
forth  to  Mrs.  Fillups. 

"Hon.  Boss  Lady,"  I  say  with  boldness 
peculiar  to  Samurai,  "  do  you  not  hire  me  to 
be  as  intellectual  as  possible  abut  household 
duties?" 

"  I  do  exactly,"  she  otter.  "  Why  do  you 
ask  to  know  ?  " 

"  Do  you  not  require  that  I  should  know  all 
peculiarities  about  your  furniture?"  I  ask  it. 
"  Absolutely  everything,"  she  outcry. 
"  All  well  then,"  I  renig.     "  There  is  some 
thing  I  wish  to  know  what.     In  recent  con 
versation  which  I  overheard  accidently  while 
standing  at  key-hole,  I  hear  you  speak  about 
one  article  of  furniture  which  I  am  not  fa 
miliar  of.     By  the  way  you  describe  it,  it  sets 
in  parlour  like  piano  until  it  begins  smoking 
like  a  stove ;  then  you  move  it  to  library  where 
it  holds  baby  like  a  cradle  and  supports  news 
papers  like  a  table!     When  you  set  it  any 
wheres  it  moves  nervusly  from  room  to  room, 
dropping  dust  like  a  elephant.     It  is  a  failure 
at  everything  around  the  house,  yet  you  say 
42 


The  Husband's  Place 

so  that  no  home  is  complete  without  one. 
What  kind  of  a  conundrum  are  you  talking 
about,  please  ?  " 

"  My  husband,"  report  Mrs.  Fillups  as  she 
elope  away. 

This  husband  belonging  to  Mrs.  Fillups 
are  quite  a  large  gentleman.  I  are  not  sure 
if  husbands  comes  in  regular  sizes,  but  I 
should  think  Hon.  Fillups  was  about  size  46. 
It  are  deliciously  difficult  to  housekeep  him. 

Mrs.  Fillups  spend  all  day-long  cleaning 
up  after  his  departure  and  preparing  for  his 
next  visitation.  Her  favourite  pet  name  for 
him  is  "Don't." 

When  he  encroach  home  by  evening  train 
she  meets  him  on  door-mat  with  cheerful 
smiling.  Yet  she  has  got  her  watch  eye  open 
for  his  uncivilised  ways. 

"  Don't  track  snow  on  rug,  dearie,  Don't 
wear  rubbers  in  house,  DON'T  leave  them 
on  front  steps  like  a  tenement."  Hon.  Fillups 
are  one  of  those  husbands  which  begins  to 
obey  orders  after  the  damage  is  done. 

"  Darling,  don't  leave  it  on  sofa,"  she  re 
port  when  he  remove  off  hat  &  coat.  "  Don't 
lay  cigars  on  mahogany  table  &  DON'T 
whistle  in  house." 

43 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

When  he  make  wash-hand  ceremony  she 
say,  "  Don't  dry  your  thumbs  on  clean 
towels ! " 

"  What  are  clean  towels  for?  "  he  ask  sad- 
dishly. 

"  I  hang  them  in  bathroom  to  show  com 
pany  how  extravagant  we  are  with  our  laun 
dry,"  rejoint  Mrs.  Fillups.  "  In  this  era  of 
hard  times  towels  are  not  made  merely  to 
be  used." 

Dinner  is  served.  At  Hon.  Table  where 
they  set  there  she  resume  conversation. 
"  Don't  tip  soup  plate  in  eating  it,"  she  report 
cow-cattishly.  "  Don't  stand  up  while  carv 
ing  mutton.  Don't  eat  salad  with  oyster 
fork!" 

When  dinner  is  completely  finished  Hon. 
Fillups  promenade  in  direction  of  parlour. 
His  teeeth  now  contains  one  enlarged  tobacco 
pipe  of  sunburned  appearance. 

"  DON'T ! !  "  holla  Hon.  Mrs.  with  ghost- 
voice.  "  The  parlour  must  be  saved  from  that 
pipe.  I  have  prepared  the  library  for  your 
comfort  where  you  can  set  among  the  books 
you  love  and  read  the  newspapers.  There  you 
can  do  what  you  like  and  feel  homeful." 

Hon.  Fillups  go  to  library.  There  he  find 
44 


The  Husband's  Place 

one  tight-back  wicker  chair  setting  hopefully 
beside  table.  On  that  chair  are  laid  out  one 
smoke  jacket  containing  velvet  collar  of 
charming  red.  Befront  of  his  chair  are  two 
(2)  complete  slippers  of  carpet  toes.  On 
table  are  12  refined  cigars  of  freckled  com 
plexion.  On  table  next  by  this  are  works  of 
Hon.  Robt.  Browning  bound  in  one-half  calf 
and  containing  blue  ribbons  to  mark  Mr.  Fill- 
ups  favourite  poems,  which  he  has  never  read. 

Hon.  Husband  make  walk-in  to  this  library 
where  he  take  Evening  Telegram  from  his 
pocket  and  unfold  it  on  table.  Then  he  go 
to  opposite  corner  of  room,  remove  off  his 
coat,  pick  out  one  large  velvet-coloured  chair, 
light  Hon.  Pipe  and  commence  reading  News 
with  expression  of  intense  relief. 

"Why  don't  you  put  on  smoke- jacket  what 
I  arrange  for  your  comfort?"  requires  Mrs. 
Fillups  with  injury  voice. 

"  Too  hot,  dearness,"  he  report  from  news. 

"  But  it  matches  the  room  so  nicely,"  she 
dib.  "  When  will  you  learn  to  be  a  decora 
tion?  Also  I  give  you  12  fashionable  cigars 
for  Xmas  and  you  continue  making  puff-puff 
with  that  horid  old  pipe." 

"  I  would  never  be  so  cruel  as  to  burn  up 

45 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

your  gifts/'  he  repartee.  "  Besides  this  pipe, 
though  strong,  is  more  gentle  in  its  strength 
than  many  cigars  of  twice  its  weakness." 

"  I  fix  you  nice  wicker  chair  by  lamp-shade, 
yet  you  continue  to  spill  ash  on  fine  velvet 
furniture.  Why  is  ?  " 

"Velvet,  though  expensive,  has  a  way  of 
feeling  soft  to  tired  business  men,"  he  ex 
plain,  looking  ashamed. 

"Also  I  have  fixed  works  of  Hon.  Robt. 
Browning  for  your  benefit.  Why  do  you  con 
tinue  to  snub  this  great  poet  ?  " 

"  I  mean  him  no  personal  injury,"  say  Hon. 
Fillup.  "Unfortunately  I  can  find  better 
murders  in  newspapers,  and  they  are  easier 
to  read." 

So  he  continue  through  the  evening,  setting 
in  his  cuff-sleeves,  smudging  his  pipe  and 
looking  very  misfit. 

Last  Wednesday  morning  when  he  was  de 
parting  off  for  his  office  he  say  with  hopes : 

"I  shall  bring  college  friend  Charlie 
Stringer  home  for  dinner,  if  convenient." 

"  Don't !  "  she  say  continuously. 

"  For  why  ?  "  he  ask  out. 

"Because,"  she  snagger,  "Wednesday  are 
Irish  stew  night,  and  we  are  scarce  on  this 
4<5 


The  Husband's  Place 

economical  vegetable.     Sifficient  for  three  are 
less  than  enough." 

"  Oh,  then !  "  he  report.  "  Charlie  and  me 
shall  dine  together  at  the  Runabout  Club 
where  hasty  food  can  be  obtained  abundantly 
day  and  night/' 

"  Don't !  "  besearch  Mrs.  Fillups.  Too  late 
for  reply. 

That  evening  by  late  P.M.  that  dinner 
plate  for  Mr.  Fillups  set  lonesome.  Mrs.  Fill 
ups  remain  by  table  weeping  into  bill-of-fare. 

"  Why  do  you  weep  ?  "  I  require  at  lengthly. 

"  He  will  not  return  home  for  meals  when 
I  do  everything  for  his  comfort !  "  she  sub. 

"  Mrs.  Madam,  excuse  my  chivalry,  but  I 
must  speak  a  lecture,"  I  say  forth.  "If  you 
would  be  less  careful  of  his  comfort,  maybe 
he  would  be  more  comfortable.  Many  hus 
bands  quit  home  because  it  is  too  beautiful.  I 
realise  that  they  do  not  know  what  is  best 
for  them.  They  are  cross-eyed  in  their  in 
telligence.  Yet  are  it  not  better  to  permit 
them  to  be  miserable  in  their  own  way,  if  this 
makes  them  happy?  You  must  remember: 
Husbands  should  not  be  furniture  for  the 
home — Home  should  be  furniture  for  the 
Husband.  I  speak  this  because  I  saw  it." 
47 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Elsewhere  is  best  place  for  such  a  wise 
servant ! "   snib   Mrs.   Fillups  leaping  to  her 
feets.     So  I  project  myself  away  feeling  quite 
absorbed  like  a  sponge. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same, 
Yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


V    HOW   SHOULD   I    DO    PAPER-BAG 
COOKING? 


V    HOW   SHOULD   I   DO   PAPER-BAG 
COOKING? 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page,  which  makes  pho 
tographs  of  food  and  other  amusements. 

DEAR  SIR: 
I  am  a  Japanese  Schoolboy  employed  .  J 
as  a  servant  girl,  but  I  am  not  doing  so  this  * 
week,   thank   you.     I    am   such   a   continual 
office-seeker    around    Employment    Bureaus 
that  Hon.  Boss  say,  "  Back  again  1 "  when 
ever  he  sees  me  arriving. 

I  shall  tell  you  what  happened  last. 

Mrs.  S.  W.  Swingle,  gentlemanly  lady  of 
red-haired  beauty,  say  tackfully,  "  I  will  em 
ploy  you  at  great  risk.  Please  arrive  to  my 
home  to-night." 

There  I  went.  This  S.  W.  Swingle  lady 
reside  with  her  husband  and  children  re 
spectively  at  Railroad  View,  N.  J.  Her  Mr. 
Swingle,  to  which  she  is  married,  is  a  time 
table  as  well  as  a  husband.  His  soul  is  full 
of  trains.  He  arrive  home  at  6.43  and  re- 
Si 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

quire  dinner  at  6.59.  He  go  to  bed  at  11.04 
and  demand  breakfast  at  7.22  so  he  can  catch 
8.12  train. 

When  I  got  on  this  job  I  dishcovered  that 
my  tranquillity  was  going  to  be  very  scarce. 
I  must  greet  milkman  at  dawn-light  and  con 
tinue  my  domestic  science  all  day  until  ex 
hausted. 

Mrs.  S.  W.  Swingle,  with  sweethearted  ex 
pression,  say  that  busy  folks  is  most  happy. 
If  this  is  truthful  I  should  prefer  to  be  slightly 
miserable  on  Sunday  and  Thursday  after 
noons. 

Yet  I  remain  stationary  in  employment  un 
til  Monday  when  sorrow  arrive  wrapped  up 
in  a  Paper  Bag.  I  shall  tell  you  how  was. 

At  hour  of  2.44  Mrs.  S.  W.  Swingle  arrive 
to  kitchen  with  cutting  expression  peculiar  to 
scissors. 

"  Togo,  why  for  do  you  prepare  such  bad 
food?"  she  decry  with  angry  rage.  "There 
is  no  uplift  in  your  biscuits.  Your  beef  is 
boiled  until  it  lose  all  originality.  Mr.  S.  W. 
Swingle,  who  is  far  from  strong,  say  your 
coffee  is  the  same.  And  so  forth.  You  must 
learn  to  discontinue  this.  If  we  cannot  fare 
better  you  must  farewell." 

My  soul  feel  punctured  by  this  conversa- 
52 


Paper-Bag  Cooking 

tion.  It  seem  very  brutal  for  me  to  go  loose 
again  when  jobs  is  so  infrequent  to  obtain. 
While  thusly  I  was  thinking  I  find  on  tip- 
shelf  of  pantry  one  slight  brown  book.  It 
was  wrote  by  a  Kitchen  Professor  and  bore 
this  remarkable  title: 

"  PAPER-BAG  COOKING." 

This  paper-bag  food  was  invented  by  a 
French  professor,  I  read.  How  economical 
those  French  can  be!  I  thought.  I  had 
oftenly  heard  how  French  chef  could  make 
stylish  meals  out  of  mere  remnants.  They 
are  famus  for  deceiving  pork  till  it  taste  like 
chicken  and  giving  boiled  codfish  the  same  ex 
pression  as  turtle  soup.  To  such  genius  paper 
bags  is  easy  problem. 

I  read  this  book  reverentially.  It  say  for 
Introduction : 

"  Paper  bags  when  cooked  properly  contain 
new  flavours  you  never  would  imagine  was 
there.  It  is  considerable  nourishing,  as  none 
of  its  juice  escapes.  You  can  learn  to  cook 
one  by  reading  Instructions  and  becoming  ut 
terly  fearless." 

My  heart  make  happy  laugh.  I  shall  cook 
some  of  these  paper  bags  for  that  dear 
53 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Swingle  family  so  they  will  forgive  me  for  my 
previous  food.  So  I  read  this  book  and  learn 
how  do-so.  I  am  incomplete  in  the  American 
language,  but  this  is  how  I  understand  him  to 
say: 

"  How  to  Cook  Paper  Bags 

<f  Select  one  paper  bag  which  is  fresh  and 
tender.  Medium-size  kind  are  most  delicate, 
as  large-size  kind  are  apt  to  be  tough,  espe 
cially  in  the  fall.  Butter  this  bag  inside  and 
salt  tastefully.  Use  meat  or  whatever  pork 
chops  are  in  icebox  to  stuff  bag  with.  Add 
one  vegetable  until  satisfied.  The  bag  is  now 
ready  to  roast. 

"  Next  take  one  oven.  Heat  it  to  hotness 
of  about  300  thermometers.  Poke  Hon.  Bag 
inside  this  and  see  what  happens.  Occasion 
ally  make  peek  into  oven  to  observe  how  bag 
behaves.  If  Hon.  Bag  catch  afire,  put  out. 
Do  not  be  discouridged.  When  he  is  suffi 
ciently  cooked,  remove  out  and  chop  with 
shears.  Serve  hot.  You  will  be  surprised  to 
taste  it." 

I  follow  this  literary  directions  with  faith 
fulness  peculiar  to  Samurai.  First  I  got  one 
small,  young  paper  bag  which  formerly  con 
tained  string  beans.  I  supposed  from  what  I 
54 


Paper-Bag  Cooking 

read  in  that  Book  that  paper  bags  should  be 
stuffed  like  turkeys  to  make  nicest  roast.  So 
I  fill  him  with  following  food  which  I  obtain 
from  icebox: 

i  Ibs  complete  beafstake  knifed  into  small  pieces 
1A  bottel  tomatoes  catch  up 

Representative  beets,  onions,  carets  and  potatus 
Plentiful  water  moistened  to  taste 

That  Swingle  kitchen  contain  one  gas-stove 
of  40  horse-power  capacity  and  includes  one 
oven  which  is  easily  het  up  to  angry  rage.  I 
light  this  oven.  Great  heat  arrive.  Then  I 
place  Hon.  Paper  Bag  carefully  in  one  drip- 
pan,  pour  over  it  some  slight  water,  so  it 
wouldn't  burn,  and  poke  inside  oven.  Then 
I  set  down  thoughtful  and  await  the  future. 

Mrs.  S.  W.  Swingle  arrive  to  kitchen  with 
question-mark  expression  in  her  blue  eye. 

"What  we  shall  have  for  dinner,  Togo?" 
she  ask  out  nervely. 

"Ah,  Mrs.  Madam!  If  I  should  tell  you, 
you  would  cease  to  be  surprised.  Yet  it  is 
something  exalted  I  shall  offer  you.  So  dif 
ferent  from  those  monotonous  foods  previ 
ously  experienced !  "  All  this  I  spoke. 

That  lady  retreat  away  expectfully. 

I  watch  this  cookery  by  alarm  clock  to  see  it 
shall  not  be  too  long.  Hon.  Book  say  "  When 
55 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

bag  are  stuffed  with  meat,  cook  25  minute. 
When  stuffed  with  vegetables,  cook  20 
minute."  I  figure  this  arithmatic  with  lead- 
pencil.  That  bag  was  stuffed  with  both  meat 
and  vegetables,  therefore  20+25=45.  That 
bag  must  cook  45  complete  minutes  to  be 
sifficiently  delicious. 

At  end  of  14  minutes  I  take  slight  peek  to 
oven.  O  sakes!  You  would  not  know  Hon. 
Bag  for  himself,  he  was  so  swole.  He  con 
tain  more  uplift  than  one  quart  yeast.  He 
was  so  baloonical  in  shape  that  I  fear  he  might 
float  upward  containing  meat  and  vegetables. 
Therefore  I  prick  him  slightly  with  fork. 

POPP!! 

Grand  explode  arrive.  I  am  shot  by  out- 
rush  of  stewed  steam  which  jump  out  amidst 
delicious  flavour.  Hon.  Bag  flop  back  com 
pletely  exhausted.  No  more  puff  up  for  him. 
He  droop  amidst  them  meat  and  vegetables 
like  a  wet  sail  in  a  shipwreck.  I  close  oven 
door  deceptively.  Hon.  Book  say  nothing 
about  this  angry  behaviour  of  food.  Maybe 
that  will  improve  its  nourishing  qualities. 

After  it  had  been  some  time  in  baking  con 
dition  I  was  enabled  to  enjoy  the  perfume  of 
this  aroma.  Each  food  when  it  cook  make 
some  odor  of  smell.  Apple  pie  smell  like  joy- 

56 


Paper-Bag  Cooking 

ful  hunger  of  schooldays.  Roast  beef  smell 
like  powerful  appetite  of  athelete.  But  paper 
bag  smell  like  fire  among  newspapers.  I 
notice  this. 

While  this  food  was  roasting  I  look  out  of 
window  and  observe  Hon.  Robert  Jackson, 
near  neighbour,  approach  and  make  knock  to 
door. 

"  Mrs.  Madam,"  he  report  when  that 
Swingle  lady  come  to  door,  "  I  announce  your 
house  is  afire." 

"  How  you  know  ?  "  requesh  she  with  pale 
voice. 

"  Because  I  smelt  burned  wall-paper  dis- 
tinctually ! " 

Loud  screem  by  Mrs.  S.  W.  Swingle.  They 
rosh  to  cellar.  Nothing  was  burning  there  — 
not  even  the  furnace.  They  trot  to  roof. 
Nothing  was  smoking  there  —  not  even  the 
chimbley. 

"  It  must  be  Uncle  Oliver  burning  autumn 
leaves,"  explan  Hon.  Jackson.  How  could  he 
know  it  was  my  cooking  he  smelt? 

When  nextly  I  peek  into  oven  I  observe 
Hon.  Bag  afire  around  edges,  Otherwise  he 
was  cooking  nicely.  I  put  him  out  with  slight 
splosh  of  water.  He  look  quite  contented 
swimming  around  in  midst  of  juices  contain- 
57 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

ing  vegetables.  17  more  minutes  remain  to 
cook  him. 

Night  approach.  I  notice  by  alarm  clock 
that  time  have  now  relapsed  for  Hon.  Paper 
Bag  to  be  completely  cooked.  So  I  take  him 
out  on  platter.  He  look  somewhat  quaint. 
Paper  bags  is  like  spinach;  they  seem  most 
beautiful  when  raw.  It  was  alarmed  for  to 
see  how  Hon.  Bag  had  shrunk  away.  He 
seemed  insufficient  for  healthful  family  of 
four  persons.  Next  time  I  must  cook  two. 
Howeverly,  it  was  necessary  to  make  most  of 
what  was,  so  I  rolled  Hon.  Bag  out  longwise 
like  a  omelet.  Then  I  surround  him  with 
meat  and  vegetables  in  diagram  of  beautiful 
art. 

"  Togo!  "  holla  Mrs.  S.  W.  Swingle  explod 
ing  into  kitchen  suddenly  like  a  gun,  "  Togo, 
what  you  been  cooking  to  make  my  home 
smell  like  a  fire-insurance?"  She  cough  in 
soprano. 

"  I  have  baked  you  a  paper  bag,"  I  report 
with  words  containing  smiles.  I  point  to  plate 
where  it  was. 

"  Paper  what?  "  she  howell. 

"  Bag,"  I  repartee. 

She  walk  to  platter  and  poke  Hon.  Bag 
irreverently  with  fork.  She  make  scorn  with 

58 


Paper-Bag  Cooking 

her  nose.     Then  she  open  kitchen  door  and 
urge  me  to  it  with  enraged  broomstick. 

"  I  give  you  your  choice,'9  she  say  horesly. 
"  Either  you  can  go  at  once  or  depart  im 
mediately." 

"I  shall  not  wait  that  long!"  I  collapse 
with  cruel  expression  peculiar  to  eagles.  "  If 
you  discharge  me,  I  shall  obtain  mean  revenge. 
I  shall  quit." 

Thusly  speaking  I  promenade  forth  into 
unemployment.  I  am  still  there. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 
Yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


59 


VI     HON   DISH   RAG   VS.   THE   HON. 
CHINA 


VI    HON.   DISH  RAG  VS.  THE  HON. 
CHINA 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page  who  can  serve 
Truth  to  homes  in  cups  &  saucers. 

HON.  DEAR  SIR: 
As  nearly  ago  as  last  Wedsday  I  was 
connected  to  home  of  Mrs  Jas  Jones,  Peru, 
Ind.,  where  I  am  now  not.     My  departure  I 
shall  relate. 

Though  refined  in  her  appearances,  this 
Hon.  Mrs  Jones  is  known  by  the  dishes  she 
keeps. 

This  Jones  home  are  a  continuous  China 
closet  entirely  filled  with  it.  Bloated  blue 
bowls  set  in  shelves  amidst  cups  which  look 
like  History  had  drunk  out  of  them.  Stingy- 
size  coffee  cup  to  be  taken  after  dinner  are 
there  to  any  extent.  In  presidential  cabinets 
of  mahogonish  appearance  she  got  considera 
ble  cut-up  glasswear  which  make  flashes  re 
sembling  diamonds  in  show-case. 

"  Togo/'  she  say  so,  "  because  you  are  in- 

63 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

tellectual  Japanese,  I  are  sure  you  can  take 
care  of  my  dishes." 

"  Japan  are  elegant  chaperone  for  China," 
I  absorb  with  chivalry. 

"  All  my  cubboards  is  filled  with  dear 
associates,"  she  acknowledge.  "  Yonderly 
plates  is  real  Japanese  curios  what  Aunt 
Martha  bought  while  travelling  abroad  in 
Chicago.  Yonderly  cups  was  handed  down 
to  me  by  Mr  Ancestor." 

"  2  of  them  was  handed  down  pretty  hard," 
I  say  so,  because  handles  was  knock  off. 

"  Crack  and  bump  are  considered  antique," 
she  dib,  while  showing  me  65  soup  platters 
containing  photo  of  Massacheussets  to  show 
how  they  was  once  property  of  Henry  Clay. 

All  them  dishes  look  at  me  with  prides,  like 
I  should  be  ashamed  of  my  cheapness. 

"  Togo,"  deploy  Hon.  Mrs  Jas  Jones,  as 
soonly  as  I  was  surprised  as  much  as  I  could, 
"  dishes  like  mine  must  not  be  washed  bru 
tally.  They  must  be  dishpanned  like  inva 
lids." 

"  I  shall  be  trained  nurse  to  them  so  much 
as  possible,"  I  collapse.  "  Should  I  need 
toilet  soap  to  wash  such  fineness  ?  " 

"  Intellect  are  more  important  than  soaps," 
she  explan.  "  Only  once  did  I  have  a  servant 
64 


Hon.  Dish  Rag 

lady  with  sifficient  intellect  to  wash  my  dishes, 
but  she  would  not  remain.  She  are  now  in 
Colorado  running  for  Congress." 

"  How  shall  I  do  it  to  make  scientific  dish- 
wash  ?  "  I  ask  to  know. 

She  tell  me  this  following  recipe: 

ist  —  Take  one  dishpan  of  good  family, 
mix  him  with  3^2  qrts.  water  of  angry  hot- 
ness  until  Hon.  Dishpan  seem  quite  tender. 

2nd  —  Take  one  Soap  of  medium  ripeness 
and  mix  him  until  he  sud.  Egg  beater  can 
be  used  if  willing. 

3rd  —  Dish-wash  are  now  ready  for  it. 
Best  Dishes  to  wash  are  them  what  has  been 
smudged  by  foods. 

^th  —  Drop  Hon.  Dish  into  delicious 
warmth  of  water.  He  will  drown,  but  you 
must  not  pity  him  until  he  arrive  entirely 
clean  by  soap. 

cjth  —  Hon.  Dish  will  now  expect  warm 
shower  bath. 

6th — Wipe  him  until  fatigued. 

7th — Hon.  Dish  are  now  ready  to  eat  an 
other  meal. 

"  Most  delicate  tool  to  be  used  in  dish- 
wash,"  Mrs  Jones  tell  with  voice,  "are  Hon. 
Dishrag.  He  must  never  be  neglect.  He 
must  be  kep  in  healthful  condition  of  athlete 
65 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

by  continual  care.  He  must  be  always  clean 
like  white  gloves,  so  Hon.  Mikerobes  will  not 
walk  on  him.  Otherwise  he  will  be  full  of 
feverish  diseases  which  he  will  give  my  Dishes 
to  pass  on  to  us. 

"  To  keep  dishrag  clean  are  more  important 
duty  of  home  life  than  bakery  or  piano  lesson. 
You  unstand  this?" 

"  Distinctually !  "  I  report.  "But  tell  me 
this  reply.  What  should  I  do  if  Hon.  Dish- 
rag  should  axidentally  throw  himself  down 
on  floor  where  dust  is  ?  " 

"Oh!!"  This  from  her.  "Never  — no, 
never  at  all  must  Dishrag  be  permitted  to 
behave  like  that  by  dropping  to  Floor.  No ! ! 
Several  looos  of  person  is  murdered  each 
annual  year  by  Dishrags  what  has  thusly 
flopped  and  caught  mikerobe.  O  Togo,  you 
promus  me  one  Thing?" 

"  I  promus." 

"  Promus  you  never  permit  Dishrag  to  flop 
to  Floor  whatever  earthquake  happen?" 

I  promus  reverendly  by  lifting  my  knuckles. 
So  she  permit  me  to  wash  her  dishes. 

Things  happens  when  they  shouldn't.     This 
is  what  make  newspapers  and  other  novels  so 
pleasant  to  read.     And  so  it  was  with  me. 
66 


Hon.  Dish  Rag 

For  2  week  times  I  work  for  this  Mrs  Jas 
Jones  without  any  crisis  arriving.  She  were 
so  deliriously  stingy  of  her  Mrs  Washington 
pitcher,  cups  &  glasswear  that  she  use  loc. 
store  dishes  of  flat-iron  thickness  for  daily 
use  when  her  Husband  &  other  folks  she  did 
not  respect  was  home.  So  I  needs  not  think 
of  scientific  dish- wash  during  them  happy 
days.  Yet  I  worry  about  Hon.  Dishrag  con 
tinuously,  because  I  was  afraid  he  might  strike 
some  germs.  How  could  I  keep  him  clean 
while  washing  plates  with  him? 

So  I  wash  plates  with  my  rude  hands  and 
hung  Hon.  Dishrag  to  clean  peg  where  he 
would  not  get  soil.  Hon.  Mrs  seem  entirely 
pleasant  when  she  see  the  trained-nurse  ap 
pearance  of  that  Hon.  Rag.  I  feel  sure  I 
should  last  there  until  old  age. 

But  one  afternoon  was  different,  Mr 
Editor,  because  Mr  &  Mrs  Budhammer,  grand 
father,  dog,  2  Aunts  and  assorted  children 
arrive  up  for  lunching.  Add  to  this  Mr  & 
Mrs  Jas  Jones  and  you  have  considerable 
dish-wash  for  poor  Togo.  And  what  did  Hon. 
Mrs  Jones  do?  She  arrange  on  table  all  her 
important  dishwear  for  fashionable  appear 
ance.  Andrew  Jackson  butter-platter  was 
there;  Wm  Shakespeare  pattern  plates  with 
67 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

golden  dots ;  Mr  Ancestor's  glasswear  in  cut- 
up  shapes  of  aggrevated  beauty  —  every 
scarce  China  you  could  imagine  was  set  there 
for  folks  to  eat  so  I  could  wash  it. 

Them  guests  was  very  hospitable  to  Mr 
&  Mrs  Jas  Jones.  They  say  them  plates  was 
so  beautiful  they  make  the  food  taste  better 
than  it  was.  They  make  happy  conversations 
while  Aunt  Elizabeth  tell  about  her  husband 
who  died  from  Rheumatism  on  the  brains. 
Everybody  speak  of  subject  he  like  most. 
Hon.  Mrs  Jones  tell  mean  things  she  could  say 
to  neighbours  and  Mr  Budhammer  describe 
how  happy  he  was  before  marriage.  Thus 
do  social  interchange  make  joyful  friendship  I 

After  slight  coffee  was  drunk  all  rose  up 
and  eloped  forthly  to  verandah  where  all  could 
smoke  amidst  fancy  work  and  tell  gossip  anec 
dotes. 

But  I  was  not  invited  to  this.  It  was  now 
my  important  time  for  dish-wash  when  I 
should  show  all  the  science  of  my  soul  with 
that  valuable  China  &  other  cups. 

I  take  all  fashionable  Ancestor  dishes 
from  table  and  pile  to  kitchen.  I  was  de- 
liciously  skilful  like  a  bricklayer  as  I  stacked 
cup  on  plate  etc.,  until  I  got  one  nice  crock 
ery  mountain  6^4  feet  high  with  Mrs  Martha 
68 


Hon.  Dish  Rag 

Washington  pitcher  standing  top-tip  of  16 
glasses  looking  beautiful  like  History  monu 
ment.  It  are  remarkable  how  many  dishes 
can  pile  on  each  other  without  falling  off. 

I  cooked  some  hot  water  by  boiling  it. 
Then  I  obtain  Hon.  Dishpan  &  satisfy  him 
full  of  hot  water,  adding  soap  until  it  seem 
comfortable.  Nextly  I  remove  Hon.  Dish- 
rag  from  window  where  he  enjoy  sunshine 
by  looking  into  garden.  With  reverent  fin 
gers,  so  I  should  not  mix  mikerobes  with  him, 
I  flop  him  to  Dishpan.  Then  I  splunge  my 
hands  into  that  sud  and  stir  continuously. 

Mr  Editor,  did  you  ever  stand  with  your 
fingers  in  warm  dishwater  thinking  Thoughts. 
Such  kind  hotness  surrounds  your  wrists  that 
you  feel  poetical  and  disengaged.  I  am  not 
suprised  that  so  many  servant  ladies  is  such 
sweet  singers  while  dish-washing.  Their 
souls  cannot  remain  hardened  while  their  fin 
gers  is  soaking  in  such  pleasant  soap  sud. 

Suddenly,  while  thusly  I  stood,  great  con 
fusion  came  to  my  brain.  I  remember  what 
Hon.  Mrs  told  me  about  keeping  Hon.  Dish- 
rag  away  from  dirt.  Then  I  look  to  that  pile 
of  Dishes.  Some  of  them,  though  rare  & 
expensive,  was  all  disarranged  by  colours  of 
food  and  blackberry  pie.  No!  I  could  not 

69 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

enrage  my  sweet  Boss  Lady  by  touching  sa 
cred  rag  to  that! 

So  I  lift  Hon.  Dishrag  from  soap-water, 
ring  him  out  with  loving  care  and  begin  shake 
him  so  no  rude  germs  would  remain  from 
contact  with  sud.  I  make  2  complete  shakes 
and  was  starting  Shake  No  3  —  when  0 1 
Hon.  Dishrag  escape  from  my  ringer  and  start 
flopping  to  floor!  Terrors!  This  must  not 
happen!!  How  raged  Hon.  Mrs  would  be  if 
this  respected  rag  should  catch  some  dust 
against  her  stric  orders! 

With  immediate  quickness  I  make  extreme 
grab  sidewards,  snatching  rapidly  like  cats 
catching  grasshopper.  I  got  him  —  between 
thumbs  and  elbows  I  caught  that  escaping 
Rag,  but  in  thusly  behaving  —  whop !  My 
physique  collapsed  against  entire  dish-pile  and 
following  climax  happened: 

SMASHES ! ! ! ! 

With  noise  peculiar  to  a  crockery  store 
falling  off  an  Alp  all  that  expensive  China  & 
glasswear  elapse  to  floor  and  mix  itself  into 
broken  hash  like  a  battlefields  after  cannon 
shoots  it.  You  could  not  tell  cups  from  plates 
in  that  crackery  of  crockery. 

"  O  murder  from  ignorant  Japanese !  "  holla 
Hon.  Mrs  Jas  Jones  &  Company  making  inrush 
70 


Hon.  Dish  Rag 

to  kitchen.     "  Alive  sakes,  you  have  dropped 
my  entire  home !  " 

And  yet  I  smiled. 

"  Why  you  laugh  like  hickory  Indian  when 
all  I  have  is  broke  ?  "  she  otter. 

"  Mrs  Madam,"  I  corrode  brave  like  frozen 
Napoleon,  "  I  acknowledge  the  brokerage 
which  I  made  amidst  Hon.  Dishes.  Yet  you 
needs  not  worry.  I  have  saved  your  Dish- 
rag." 

Human  nature  are  very  doggish,  Mr.  Editor. 
Though  I  prove  to  that  Lady  how  heroic  I 
was  she  kill  all  my  answers  with  her  replies 
while  Hon.  Mr  Jones  toss  me  forth  from  that 
jobs.     With  rabid  hat  I  bid  farewell  without 
saying  so.     I  are  just  another  hero  walking  in 
homeless  direction  because  of  shipwreck. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same 
Yours  truly 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


VII    A  DAY  AT  HOME 


VII    A  DAY  AT  HOME 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page  who  is  honest 
man,  therefore  at  home  when  he  is. 

DEAREST  SIR: 
My  next  escape  was  from  employ 
ment  of  Mrs.  Clarence  Calicutt,  Siberia,  N.  Y. 
This  lady  was  very  highly  esteamed.  She 
practise  theosophy  on  her  mind  and  make  so 
ciety  acquaintance  with  frequent  ladies.  She 
had  the  most  deceptive  behaviour  of  any  per 
sonality  I  ever  employed  to  boss  me.  Her 
voice  was  half  in  half.  One  end  of  it  was 
sweet,  but  the  other  end  contained  considera 
ble  quinine.  The  bitterish  end  was  all  I  ever 
saw.  For  instancely,  in  curl-paper  hour  of 
early  morning  she  would  arise  upward  from 
breakfast  and  say,  "  Togo,  why  you  so  dub 
this  day?  Are  you  foolish  or  merely  brain 
less?"  Hashly  she  spoke  it. 

Jing-jing  from  telephone. 

"Hello  — are  that  you,  Clara?  How 
charmed  you  are !  Yes,  honey,  I  should  seem 
very  much  obliged ! "  Sweetly  she  used  her 
voice. 

75 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Why  you  speak  lemons  to  me  and  honey 
to  telephone  ?  "  I  asked  to  know. 

"  Because,"  she  report,  "  there  are  two  ways 
of  talking  —  one  way  for  servants,  other  way 
for  telephone." 

"  Sometimes  I  wish  you  would  talk  to  me 
like  a  telephone,"  I  require,  saddishly. 

One  raindrop  morning  this  Mrs.  Calicutt  ap 
proach  to  me  and  report.  "  Togo,  I  am  at 
home  to-morrow  afternoon." 

"  Will  you  be  more  at  home  then  than  you 
are  now  ?  "  I  ask  it. 

"  I  are  not  at  home  now,"  she  dib,  snubbly. 

"  How  confused !  "  I  magnify.  "  You 
mean  tell  me  you  are  not  at  home  when  I  see 
you  there  standing  ?  " 

"Truthfully  I  speak  it."     This  from  her. 

"  Then  maybe  you  could  be  elsewhere  when 
you  are  at  home  ?  "  I  collapse. 

"  Quite  conveniently,"  she  otter.  "  I  know 
some  several  ladies  who  frequently  go  ottomo- 
bile  riding  on  days  when  they  are  at  home." 

"  America  are  full  of  customs,"  I  report, 
enjoying  headache  in  my  understanding. 

"  I  am  at  home  on  second  and  fifth  Wednes 
days  of  September,  June,  and  January,"  she 
speak  onwards.  "  I  choose  them  difficult 
dates  so  folks  can  amuse  themselves  calculat- 


A  Day  at  Home 

ing  when  they  will  see  me  next.  It  are  not 
fashionable  for  a  lady  to  be  seen  too  fre 
quently  at  her  residence." 

"  It  would  require  train  despatchers  and 
astronomers  to  calculate  when  to  call  with 
cards,"  I  report.  She  make  no  visible  reply 
to  that. 

"  To-morrow  is  my  Wednesday,"  she  de 
scribe,  pridefully. 

"  Will  you  keep  this  date  all  to  yourself  ?  " 
I  ask  to  know. 

"  Not  by  no  means  I  won't ! "  she  snudge. 
"  I  have  invite  considerable  guests  for  slight 
tea-drunk.  I  asked  them  for  4.  p.  M.  So  I 
shall  expect  them  about  6 :3O." 

"  How  much  people  you  expect,  if  any  ?  " 
I  require. 

"  Folks  who  comes  to  afternoon  tea-drunk 
are  like  mice  what  comes  to  traps.  You 
never  can  tell  how  many  you  will  catch. 
Sometimes  refreshment-bait  are  entirely 
wasted  without  a  nibble.  Sometime  they 
come  in  such  quantities  they  carries  off  the 
trap.  Sometime,  when  you  ask  folks  to  tea, 
they  behave  shyly  like  rabbits.  Sometimes 
they  make  forward  stampede  like  mules,  all 
attempting  to  rush  at  once." 

"  Then  you  cannot  give  me  any  statistic  to 
77 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

estimate  how  many  persons  will  arrive  up  to 
your  Wednesday  to-morrow  ?  " 

"  I  asked  80  persons.  Perhapsly  8  or  200 
will  arrive.  Who  knows  what  ?  " 

"  Do  all  them  persons  expect  to  eat  from 
your  food  ?  "  I  asked,  for  cold  eyebrows. 

"  Folks  does  not  come  to  teas  to  eat  en 
tirely,  but  to  eat  somewhat/'  she  reproof. 
"  Mutton  chops,  oyster,  and  soup  would  seem 
too  heavyweight  for  such  festival.  Yet  they 
would  act  disappointed  and  peevly  if  they 
could  not  have  some  lightweight  refreshment." 

"  Ham  plus  eggs  would  do  for  them,  per- 
hapsly?"  I  snuggest. 

"  Nothing  would  seem  more  toothless  for 
such  occasion,"  she  growell.  "  Slight  nibble 
of  cakes,  slight  squench  of  chocolate  will  be 
too  sufficient  with  conversation.  Therefore, 
I  ask  you  to  attend  to  refreshments  for  to 
morrow.  Please  prepare  following  light 
weight  foods  for  them: 

5  doz.  devilish  ham  samditches. 

5  doz.  nutty  samditches  confused  with 
cheeze. 

5  doz.  letus  samditches  containing  salad. 

12  qts.  chocolate  drunk. 

A  large  chorus  of  cakes,  McAroons,  candies 
&  other  meatsweets  in  confusion." 

78 


A  Day  at  Home 

I  done  what  she  said,  Mr.  Editor.  You 
cannot  imagine  with  all  your  printer's  ink 
how  I  enslaved  myself  preparing  them  sam- 
ditches  for  her  festival.  All  morning  of  Wed 
nesday  I  stood  gashing  bread  with  knives 
till  I  manufactured  so  much  of  that  lay- 
between  food  that  it  stood  in  bulk.  Piles  of 
devilish  ham  samditches  stood  around  near 
heaps  of  nutty  cheeze  samditches,  resembling 
sky  scrapers  looking  at  Washington  Monu 
ments  with  jealous  expression. 

All  that  A.  M.  Hon.  Mrs.  Calicutt  rosh 
everywhere  doing  something  to  furniture  & 
draping  smilax  buds  from  pictures  to  resem 
ble  greenery.  At  lunching  hour  she  appear 
very  disjointed  and  say,  "  Aunts  of  Columbus 
Society  holds  annual  social  this  P.  M.  at 
Methodist  Church.  Maybe  I  shall  not  be 
able  to  catch  many  folks  from  this."  Sad 
ness  stood  in  her  voice. 

Hon.  Clarence  Calicutt,  husband  to  her,  re 
tire  homeward  by  3:11  train  and  report, 
"  What  could  be  more  nuisansical  for  business 
man  than  pink  tea?" 

At  4:10   P.    M.   all   was   prepare.     Cousin 

Florence  arrive  for  pore  tea.     Mrs.  Clarence 

Calicutt  set  in  central  middle  of  room  making 

her  clothes  look  very  social.    Hon.  Clarence 

79 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Calicutt  wear  frockaway  coat  and  require, 
"  Can  I  smoke  ?  "  whenever  spoken  to.  Cousin 
Florence  crouch  behind  tea-earn  with  expect- 
ful  expression  peculiar  to  sailors  before  battle. 
But  nothing  arrived  yet. 

At  4:59  come  jing-jing  to  door  bell.  Mrs. 
Calicutt  arrange  her  smile,  Cousin  Florence 
set  upright,  &  Hon.  Clarence  go  to  window 
where  he  attempt  to  look  neglectful. 

I  elope  to  door  with  desirable  expression 
peculiar  to  butlers.  With  noble  position  of 
heels  and  elbows  I  ope  door.  What  see? 
There  stood  one  (i)  Armenian  peddle-man 
offering  $2  tablecloths  for  $3.57.  I  enclose 
Hon.  Door  befront  of  his  face. 

"  This  are  most  excited  afternoon  of  my 
career,"  depress  Hon.  Calicutt,  smoking 
cigars  out  of  window  so  as  not  to  fumigate 
curtains. 

Mrs.  Calicutt  make  several  petrified  re 
plies. 

At  hour  of  5 :68  p.  M.  Rev.  Mr.  Horse  W. 
Dill  come  in.  He  never  could  afford  to  miss 
repasts  anywheres  because  of  his  shrinking 
salary. 

"  All  world  seem  to  be  at  Aunts  of  Colum 
bus  reception  this  afternoon,"  he  say  for 
diplomacy. 

80 


A  Day  at  Home 

"I  notice  it,"  dib  Hon.  Mrs.  "I  just  re 
main  home  merely  by  accident  to-day  &  so 
glad  you  come." 

I  offer  him  86  samditches.  He  ate  13  and 
i  qrt.  chocolate.  He  depart  at  7:46  filled 
with  delicious  refreshment.  After  that  Hon. 
Clarence,  Mrs.  Clarence,  and  Cousin  Florence 
draw  near  together  &  gaze  morbidly  at  them 
samditches  piled  in  towers. 

For  week  latter,  evening  dinner  at  home 
of  Calicutt  contained  following  programme : 

SOUP 
Didn't  have  none. 

ENTREE 
Chocolate.     Samditches   containing  cheeze. 

ROAST 

Devilish  ham  samditches.  Nutty  sam 
ditches. 

SALAD 
Letus  samditches. 

DESERT 

McAroons,  cakes,  more  chocolate,  &  what 
ever  else. 

81 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  'All  Work 

Hon.  Mrs.  Calicutt  and  Cousin  Florence 
ate  this  table  of  contents  without  complain 
ing  voice.  Ladies  is  often  thusly  —  they  do 
not  desire  real  food  when  they  can  be  eco 
nomical.  But  me  &  Mr.  Calicutt  begin  to  feel 
very  illegal  when  we  look  at  them  samditches 
which  must  be  ate.  Frequently  Mr.  Calicutt 
telephone  home  that  his  board  of  directors 
had  appendicitis,  therefore  he  must  stay  in 
town  for  dine.  I  forgive  him  this  deception. 

Three  weeks  pass  off.  Then  come  fifth 
Wednesday  when  Mrs.  Calicutt  must  again  be 
at  home  for  friends. 

"  Togo,"  she  pronounce  that  morning,  "  I 
have  invite  120  complete  persons  and  ex 
pect  to  enjoy  quite  a  stampede  this  P.  M. 
Please  multiply  your  former  programme  of 
samditches  by  twice." 

"I  shall  do  so,"  I  deploy. 

Yet  my  soul  determined  to  do  elsewise. 
Why  must  I  again  clutter  that  household 
with  sky-scraping  piles  of  samditches  which 
nobody  came  to  eat  except  Rev.  Mr.  Dill 
who  had  merely  appetite  for  13?  No!  If 
Hon.  Mrs.  Calicutt  was  too  foolish  in  her 
brain  to  keep  from  that  extravagance,  then 
I  should  save  her  from  it.  I  should  merely 
make  13  samditches  and  I  qrt.  chocolate, 
82 


*A  Day  at  Home 

sifficient  for  Hon.  Dill.  Yet  I  should  make 
my  Boss  Lady  think  I  was  preparing  great 
quantities.  This  deceptiveness  require  great 
heroism. 

"  Togo,"  say  her,  coming  to  kitchen  in 
early  p.  M.,  "  Are  bread  &  devilish  ham  and 
letus  and  marionaise  dressing  and  chocolate 
all  ready  to  be  executed  in  vast  quantities  ?  " 

"  They  are  faithfully  prepared,"  I  pro 
nounce  with  talented  dishonesty. 

"  1 20  guests  often  feel  very  edible,  so  do 
it  plenty,"  she  acknowledge,  eloping  away. 

At  3  o'clock  I  manufacture  13  samditches 
and  i  qrt.  chocolate.  That  was  all  we  could 
afford  to  give  Mr.  Dill. 

"  Where  are  refreshments,  please  ? "  re- 
quesh  Mrs.  Calicutt  when  4  p.  M.  was  there. 

"  I  keep  them  cooly  concealed  in  dark  place 
where  staleness  will  not  arrive  to  them,"  I 
report,  looking  sly  like  roosters.  She  too 
busy  preparing  smilax  buds  to  know  how  much 
money  I  saved  her  by  not  manufacturing  food 
for  guests  who  wouldn't  come. 

At  4:63  P.  M.  I  notice  something  which 
make  my  eyes  alarmed.  With  tense  puffing 
honk-music  and  wheel-rumble,  47  ottomobiles, 
buggies,  motorcycles,  &  go-carts  arrive  up  to 
house  all  together  like  sheep.  They  hitch 
83 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

up  by  front  gate.  Why  was  they  came?  O 
look  see!!  118  complete  persons  of  every 
imaginable  age  &  sect  got  out  and  make  jing- 
jing  to  door  bell. 

One  horble  thought  roshed  to  my  ears. 
All  them  folks  was  coming  expecting  to  eat 
Rev.  'Dillsr  13  samditches  and  i  qrt.  choco 
late!  I  was  blame  for  my  economy.  What 
must  I  do?  My  heart  turned  pale  while 
hysteria  filled  my  elbows.  Already  I  could 
hear  glad-you-came  sound  by  Mrs.  Calicutt 
while  that  hungry  mobb  make  rosh  through 
parlour  room  amidst  disagreeable  laughter. 

Swish-swish !  It  was  Mrs.  Calicutt's  silk 
footsteps  coming. 

"  Togo/'  she  whisper  with  stage-voice,  in 
troducing  her  head  at  kitchen,  "  where  is  im 
mediate  food  for  1 20  persons?" 

"  Here,  please,"  I  report  with  quaker  knees, 
poking  forth  them  13  samditches  on  plate. 

Shrieks  by  her.  Deep  breathing  and  4 
sobs.  I  withdraw  myself  away  from  there 
before  she  should  make  a  scenery.  I  slid 
myself  from  back  door  softly  like  cats  walk 
ing  over  ice-cycles. 

I  felt  very  sorry  for  Mrs.  Calicutt  losing 
me  like  that,  but  when  I  reached  trolley-road 
where  I  got  on,  I  felt  less  pity.  After  all, 
84 


A  Day  at  Home 

there  was  l/2  fraction  of  corned  beef  and  I 
qrt.  milk  in  ice-box,  so  them  120  At  Homers 
needs  not  go  entirely  destitute  from  food. 
Maybe  they  would  enjoy  that,  if  conversa 
tion  was  sifficiently  fascinating.  For  what- 
say  famus  Japanese  philosopher,  Oysta-san? 
He  say,  "  In  good  company  crusts  tastes  rich, 
but  in  bore  company  ice-cream  seems  awful 
poor." 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


VIII    PETS 


VIII    PETS 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page  who  do  so  much 
to  make  home-life  less  homely. 

HON.  DEAR  SIR: 
Mrs.  Benjoman  Barnum  of  Pyra 
mid  Park,  Penn,  is  the  latest  lady  to  turn  me 
loose.  Whether  she  are  a  relationship  to 
Hon.  P.  T.  Barnum  (deceased)  I  am  not 
aware  enough  to  say,  but  she  have  got  a  very 
menagerie  mind.  Her  home  is  a  tame  zoo 
full  of  animals.  I  am  sure,  if  she  had  a  bigger 
parlour,  she  would  keep  a  elephant. 

"  Togo,"  she  report  to  me  when  she  hired 
me  off  the  Fineheimer  Employment  Bureau, 
"  nothing  make  home  so  lively  as  several 
Pets." 

"  I  notice  this,"  is  bright  reply  for  me. 
"  You  are  the  most  pettish  lady  I  ever  worked 
for." 

She  did  not  seem  to  assimilate  them  words 
I  said,  yet  they  was  truthful.  Her  home 
resembled  Mr.  Noah's  Houseboat  in  variety 

89 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

of  4-foot,  2-foot  &  I -foot  beasts  it  contained. 
By  actual  stastistics  Mrs.  Barnum  possessed 
the  following  list  of  live  Pets,  which  she  sup 
port  from  sweethearted  reasons  of  kindness: 

I  Dog  of  waggish  ways  &  barking  vocabu 
lary.  His  name  was  Julius  Siezer,  but 
Neighbours  call  him  "  Git  Out ! "  because  he 
dug  mines  in  their  flower  beds.  I  forgot  his 
nationality,  but  his  complexion  was  Irish;  I 
Cat  entitled  Florence  who  earned  her  food  by 
purring  for  it.  Her  feet  was  deliciously  full 
of  thorns;  i  Parrot  called  Robt.  Burns  be 
cause  his  soul  was  in  his  talk;  i  cannary-bird 
name  Dick.  He  didn't  seem  to  have  no  re 
semblance  to  his  name;  2  Goldfish  Twins, 
Harry  &  Carry  who  spent  their  days  idly 
swimming  in  glass  &  saying  nothing. 

Mrs.  Barnum  formerly  had  one  husband 
who  went  dead.  I  congratulate  him. 

When  all  those  Pets  is  going  at  once,  dog- 
bark,  cat-mew,  parrot-shriek  and  cannary- 
bird  warbul,  it  sound  like  a  brass  band  com 
posed  of  dish-pans  &  steam  whistles. 

"  I  love  my  dum  friends,"  explan  Mrs. 
Barnum  to  me  with  kind-eye  expression. 

"  I  love  them  most  when  they  are  most 
dum,"  I  repartee,  suppressing  my  ears  from 
those  scrambled  sounds.  "If  you  could  teach 
90 


Pets 

those  goldy-fishes  to  sing,  the  harmonium 
would  be  complete." 

While  I  said  thus  that  dog  Siezer  approach 
up  and  bit  me  on  leg. 

"  He  do  this  in  fun,"  say  Mrs.  Barnum. 

"  So  glad  to  hear !  "  I  negotiate.  "  Dogs 
never  hurts  so  much  when  they  bite  humor 
ously." 

"  If  you  wish  for  to  be  employed  in  this 
home  you  must  be  keeper  as  well  as  house 
keeper,"  she  tell  off.  "  Promptly  at  noon 
o'clock  each  day  the  annimals  must  be  fed. 
Each  have  his  peculiaristic  diet,  which  he 
crave  for  health.  Siezer  must  have  bone, 
Florence  require  cream,  Robt.  Burns  expect 
apple,  Dick  ask  for  seed,  while  Harry  &  Carry 
demand  fish  food.  I  should  rather  see  any 
thing  than  that  my  Pets  go  hungry." 

I  assimulate  her  words  and  do  what  best 
I  can.  It  require  tack  and  courage  to  chap- 
erone  those  Pets.  They  are  all  cannibles  by 
appetite  and  would  love  to  eat  each  other  for 
their  food  qualities.  When  Hon.  Seizer,  the 
dog,  are  unloosed  from  his  mesh  he  start 
forthly  with  waggish  expression  of  tail  and 
attemp  to  gobble  Hon.  Florence,  the  cat. 
This  delusive  mammal  are  too  speedful  for 
that  dog,  so  she  elope  with  hissy  noise  to 
91 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

mantel-piece  where  she  set  growelling  with 
enlarged  fur.  When  Hon.  Siezer  are  absent 
attending  other  duties,  Hon.  Florence  set  hour 
by  hour  gazing  upward  at  Hon.  Dick,  the 
cannary-bird,  and  wishing  she  had  a  baloon 
to  obtain  him  with.  When  I  approach  this 
talented  cat  she  make  purr-song  and  slide 
around  my  ankles,  requesting  that  I  should 
give  her  Dick  for  lunch.  I  must  refuse,  out 
of  politeness  for  Dick.  Sometime  Hon. 
Florence  prefer  fish.  Then  she  walk  up  wall 
paper  like  a  fly  and  thusly  arrive  to  shelf 
where  Harry  &  Carry  are  swimming  selfishly 
around  in  their  toy  ocean. 

Hon.  Robt.  Burns,  the  parrot,  are  less  par 
ticular.  He  like  any  sort  of  food,  as  long 
as  it  are  alive.  One  day  he  observe  me  and 
say  with  tender  squawk,  "  O  darling,  come, 
come  to  your  own  sailor  boy ! "  I  come. 
When  I  approach  sifficiently  close,  Oh,  nipp! 
Hon.  Parrot  remove  off  %  from  my  ear  and 
set  there  looking  satisfied.  I  sorrow  to  think 
he  could  talk  so  tender,  yet  act  so  tough ! 

Last  Thursday  A.  M.  Mrs.  Barnum  ap 
proach  to  me.  She  did  not  know  it  was  my 
last  day  with  her.  Neither  did  I.  Life  is 
so  surprised! 

92 


Pets 

"  Togo,"  she  instruct,  "  I  am  going  over  to 
Aunt  Jane's  to  set  by  a  sick  bedside." 

"  Are  Aunt  Jane  diseased  ?  "  I  require. 

"  No.  It  are  her  cat  what  has  influenza  of 
the  diagram,"  she  tell.  "  I  shall  be  gone  I 
hour  time.  Remember,  while  I  are  away  my 
pets  must  be  fed.  Do  not  neglect  this.  I 
would  rather  anything  than  that  they  should 
go  hungry." 

I  give  her  my  promissory  word. 

As  soonly  as  she  had  went  I  begin  task 
of  furnishing  bill-of-fare  for  her  zoo.  To 
Siezer  I  give  bone,  to  Florence  cream.  They 
accept  this  without  thanks.  Then  I  donate 
one  apple  to  Hon.  Robt.  Burns  who  sung, 
"  Every  morn  I  bring  thee  violets "  and  at- 
temp  to  chew  off  thumb  from  me.  Every 
thing  was  affectionate  as  usual. 

Nextly  I  go  to  shelf  where  Harry  &  Carry 
are  bathing  in  glass.  I  took  them  to  table 
where  I  irrigated  them  with  fresh  water.  I 
was  just  feeding  them  slight  lunch  of  deli 
cious  bait  when SCRASH ! ! ! 

From  next  room  I  heard  Hon.  Robt.  Burns 
say  distinctly,  "If  you  love  me,  darling,  tell 
me  with  your  eyes !  "     So  I  knew  he  was  do 
ing  some  sort  of  murder. 
93 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

I  rosh  in.  Oh!!  what  sight  I  seen.  That 
parrot- fowell  had  escaped  away  from  his 
roost  and  lept  upward  to  goldy  cage  where 
Hon  Dick  was  making  opera  with  voice. 
With  talented  grabb  that  conversational 
chicken  had  shipwrecked  Hon.  Cage  and  de 
posited  Hon.  Dick-bird  to  floor.  When  I  met 
Hon.  Parrot  he  was  hen-picking  that  talented 
songster.  I  attemp  to  arrest  him  for  his 
brutality,  but  he  attach  my  finger  with  his 
eagle  mouth.  I  was  removing  him  from  this 
when,  SCRUNSH!!! 

Loud  crashy  of  glass  from  next  room.  I 
rosh  forwards.  I  was  just  in  time  to  be  too 
late.  Hon.  Florence  had  pushed  glassy  resi 
dence  of  Hon.  Goldfishes  to  floor  and  was 
dieting  on  those  gilt  swimmers.  She  look 
thankful  while  she  make  gollup  of  Harry. 
She  also  ate  Carry  J/£,  but  when  I  remove 
remainder  from  her  she  make  reproachful 
growell  and  snagg  me  with  thorny  foot.  I 
attempt  to  restore  Hon.  Carry  who  was 
fainted  away,  when— BOW  WOWS ! ! ! 

Hon.  Siezer  approach  to  scene  determined 
to  obtain  food  supply  from  that  cat.  Hon. 
Florence  rosh  up  curtains  with  angry  sizz 
peculiar  to  sky-rockets  when  she  seen  that 
dogged  approach.  Hon.  Dog  smile  up  at 
94 


Pets 

Hon.  Cat  and  Hon.  Cat  smile  down  at  Hon. 
Dog. 

While  thusly  they  stood  Hon.  Dick  awoke 
up  from  where  he  lay  and  limped  forth  on 
shabby  wings.  He  give  3  and  J^  sorry  peeps 
and  flitter  to  fireplace  where  he  flew  up  flue. 

Just  at  that  instantaneous  moment  Hon. 
Robt.  Burns  arrive  in  with  rawcuss  yellup, 
and  hooked  his  feet  to  chandelier  where  he 
hung  suspended  downside-up  like  a  umber- 
ella.  Dog  &  Cat  continue  to  gaz  up  &  down 
at  each  other  like  Romeo  &  Juliet. 

"  Should  old  acquaintance  be  forgot  ? " 
require  Hon.  Parrot,  twirling  his  head  3  times 
in  circular  manner. 

I  had  no  time  to  reply  to  this  inquisitive- 
ness.  It  were  nearly  time  for  Mrs.  Barnum  to 
return  homeward  and  I  was  full  of  timid 
fright  for  fear  she  might  notice  how  badly 
her  Pets  was  mixed  among  themselves.  I  did 
not  feel  sifficient  to  meet  her  angry  rage. 

So  I  handed  my  resignation  to  myself. 

On  hasty  piece  of  paper  I  wrote: 

Esteamed  Mrs.  Madam :  —  when  nextly  you  see 
Togo  he  will  be  gone.  So  will  your  golden-fish  & 
cannary-bird.  But  I  will  not  be  gone  where  they 
are,  because  your  Pets  do  not  crave  me  for  food. 
I  are  not  sensitive  about  this  neglect.  When  you 

95 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

left  me  this  morning  you  say  so  that  you  thought 
their  appetites  was  failing.  I  could  not  dishcover 
that  dangerous  symptom.  All  they  need  was  change 
of  food.  If  ever  you  find  them  refusing  eat  in  the 
future,  do  what  I  done  —  turn  them  loose  on  each 
other.  If  you  wish  to  find  Harry  &  Carry,  search 
Miss  Florence.  If  you  can  not  dishcover  Miss 
Florence  when  you  get  back,  search  Mr.  Siezer.  I 
am  sorry  to  go,  but  glad  I  went. 

I  attach  this  information  secretively  to 
door-handle.  From  inside  of  house  I  could 
hear  Hon.  Siezer  making  coon-tree  noises 
responded  to  by  war-cry  voice  of  Miss  Flor 
ence.  From  top-tip  of  chandelier  Hon.  Robt. 
Burns  was  reporting  peevly,  "Fare-bye,  for 
I  must  leave  thee!  One  parting  kiss  —  ar, 
ar,  ar!!" 

I  sneek  silently  away  on  velvet  feetsteps, 
feeling  like  one  Spartan  boy  who  done  his 
duty  by  escaping  from  it. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


IX    WASHING  WINDOWS 


IX    WASHING  WINDOWS 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page  whose  mind  is 
glass  which  shoots  daylight  into  Subjects. 

DEAR  SIR:— 
Until    quite    recently   of   yore    I    re 
mained   in   the   suburbs   of   Pennsylvania   at 
home  of  Mrs  Nero  Fits  Gibb,  where  I  stayed 
as  long  as  I  did. 

It  was  because  of  windows  that  I  was  ex 
ploded  off  from  that  lovely  situation  of  em 
ployment.  Next  job  of  work  I  shall  hitch 
myself  to  some  house  which  do  not  contain 
any  of  those  glass  encumbents. 

I  tell  you  this  narrative. 

That  Hon.  Mrs  Fits  Gibb  reside  in  one 
large  mahogany  house  containing  sifficient 
windows  to  see  everything  through.  Bay  win 
dows  occur  at  moments  when  least  expected; 
skylights  peep  from  roof  with  expression  pe 
culiar  to  pair  of  spectacles.  That  house  has 
got  windows  all  over  its  face  from  its  chin  to 
its  forehead,  and  every  door  are  confused  by 
glass  stained  brightly  to  resemble  colours. 
99 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Togo,"  explan  Hon.  Mrs  to  me,  "  I  are 
very  fond  of  fresh  daylight." 

"  You  have  caged  nearly  all  there  is,"  I 
corrode  for  politeness  while  gazing  at  13  doz. 
windows  surrounding. 

"  When  doing  nothing,"  she  explan,  "  it  shall 
be  your  duty  to  wash  them  windows  with  care 
ful  soap.  This  will  make  them  more  light." 

"  I  am  hired  for  light  work,"  I  suggest. 
"  What  are  most  scientific  way  to  bathe  these 
glass  eyes  of  your  home  ?  " 

"  Most  artistic  window-wash  can  be  ob 
tained  with  a  ladder  and  a  bucket,"  she  de 
ploy.  "  Also  rags  must  be  used  including 
soap  and  gymnastics.  Take  these  materials 
to  window  requiring  cleanliness  and  rub  until 
exhausted.  Continue  this  massage  on  next 
window  and  therefore  on.  Industry  must  be 
had.  Do  not  abandon  a  pain  of  glass  until 
he  shine  with  brilliancy  resembling  genius." 

So  I  go  do  what  she  say.  I  got  ladder,  I 
obcured  rags,  I  obtained  sudds  bucket  accord 
ing  to  orders  Hon.  Mrs  Fits  Gibb  gave  me. 
So  farly  so  goodly. 

Grasping  ladder  on  my  shoulder  with  mili 
tary  expression  I  walk  around  Hon.  House 
to  pick  out  one  window  what  appear  good 
natured  &  easy.  More  I  looked  less  I  could 
100 


Washing  Windows 

> 
decide.     That  Hon.  House  continue  to  gaze 

at  me  sternly  like  one  octopus  with  foob 'glass 
eyes.  At  lastly  I  find  one  pompus  bay  win 
dow  what  set  over  front  door  presenting 
swelled  appearance  peculiar  to  Presidents. 

I  look  thoughtfully  upwards  and  make 
philosophy  by  myself. 

"  Window-wash  are  like  Success,"  I  com 
mute.  "  It  are  most  pleasant  to  begin  at  the 
top  and  work  downward.  Therefore  I  shall 
begin  by  soaping  this  important  outlook." 

So  I  amount  up  ladder  with  Hon.  Bucket 
inclosed  in  my  knuckles  and  numberous  rags 
embraced  by  my  suspenders.  Uply  and  more 
uply  I  march  until  I  was  there  looking  Hon. 
Window  in  the  face.  So  I  begin  to  wash 
him. 

Mr  Editor,  the  simplest  things  in  life  seems 
the  most  simplest  when  they  are  not.  Do  it 
not  seem  easy  to  your  educational  brain  for 
a  Japanese  Schoolboy  to  carry  sudds  up  ladder 
and  apply  him  to  window  pain  by  rubs  of  rag  ? 
And  yet  such  work  are  full  of  complex. 

No  sooner  I  begin  attacking  this  job  than 
I  dishcover  how  Hon.  Window  Wash  must  be 
like  a  juggle  in  a  circus.  To  obtain  myself 
on  that  ladder  I  must  clasp  my  toes  with 
carefulness  resembling  stork,  at  same  time 
101 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

I ,  must  balance  Hon.  Bucket  by  elbow,  hold 
Hof i.'  Rags  in  teeth  and  splatter  Hon.  Window 
with  what  fingers  I  had  left.  In  the  mean 
while,  what  was  Hon.  Soap  doing?  When 
he  got  wet  his  nature  changed  and  he  imagined 
he  was  a  snake.  He  would  not  stay  where  he 
was,  but  amuse  himself  by  slipping  off  from 
everywheres  I  put  him.  Every  time  he  fall, 
I  must  dutifully  ascend  down  that  ladder,  pick 
him  from  grass,  carefully  descend  upwards 
again  and  attempt  to  hang  him  somewheres 
where  he  would  not  make  an  eel  of  himself. 
I  never  seen  soap  so  full  of  slyness. 

And  yet  I  work  onwards  in  spite  of  him. 
With  delicious  accuracy  I  threw  sudds  on 
Hon.  Window  till  he  seem  to  weep  tears. 
Then  I  wipe  him  elaborously  with  rag.  Yet 
more  I  wipe,  less  beautiful  he  appear.  Grey- 
ness  cover  him  with  streaks.  More  rubbs. 
Stripes  of  smudge  confuse  that  glass.  More 
lather  I  put  on.  Yet  Hon.  Window  continue 
to  look  dull  &  bilious.  I  massage  him  up  and 
down  with  greased  elbow  until  it  was  nearly 
sunset  of  p.  m.  O  discouraged!  If  dia 
monds  is  so  hard  to  polish,  I  are  not  surprised 
that  nobody  but  policemen  can  afford  such 
jewelery. 

102 


Washing  Windows 

Pretty  soonly  I  could  hear  voice  of  Hon. 
Mrs  saluting  me  crossly  from  below  down. 

"  Togo,"  she  report,  "  you  have  been  2  hours 
in  labour  of  work.  How  many  windows  have 
you  bathed  completely  ?  " 

"  Nearly  one,"  I  corrode  boastfully. 

"  If  it  take  you  2  hours  to  wash  nearly  one 
window,  how  long  would  it  take  you  to 
cleansify  211  glass  pains  in  this  house?" 
This  arithmatic  from  her. 

"422  hours,"  I  reject  brightly.  "If  you 
will  loaned  me  paper  &  pencill,  I  shall  be 
happy  to  estimate  how  many  weeks  that 
makes." 

"  Xmas  will  arrive  before  then,"  she  ag- 
nosticate  with  bang  of  door. 

I  could  not  understood  her  repartee. 
Maybe  she  intend  to  give  me  Xmas  present. 

When  fatigue  was  too  plenty  for  more  ex 
ercise  I  stand  on  climax  of  that  ladder  hold 
ing  sudds  bucket  in  thoughtful  position. 
Great  thoughts  can  be  obtained  in  such  high 
altitudes,  thusly  perched  with  excelsior  feel 
ing  of  brain.  Leaning  against  glass  forehead 
of  that  bay  window  I  could  observe  Nature 
acting  as  usual  amidst  houses  where  residences 
was.  Walking  amongst  those  houses  I  could 
103 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

observe  bill  collectors,  insurance  agents  and 
neighbours  —  which  show  that  Trouble  come 
wherever  folks  resides.  "  Life  are  similar  to 
such  scenery,"  I  say  for  smart  quotation. 

While  thusly  I  argued,  some  ottomobile 
wheels  could  be  heard  walking  below  in  front 
of  house.  I  look  downly  and  observe  very 
fashionable  appearance  of  society  —  one 
bloated  gas-machinery  stopping  up  near  feet 
of  ladder"  while  one  complete  lady  enwrapped 
in  Arctic  mouse-skins  fur  sat  there  talking 
Waldorf  language  to  a  chauffer  of  military 
pattern.  I  could  tell  she  was  400  by  actual 
count. 

"  Hennery,"  she  say  to  Hon.  Chauffer, 
"  ring  door  and  pronounce  that  Mrs.  Diggle 
Clodd  have  arrived  for  slight  calling  visit  on 
Mrs.  Fits  Gibb." 

"I  do  so!"    This  from  Hon.  Hennery. 

While  Hon.  Hennery  was  making  rings  by 
door,  I  lean  from  ladder  and  observe  the  ele 
gance  of  that  financial  lady  as  she  flopped 
amidst  coloured  padding  and  showed  the 
splandid  millinary  of  her  hat. 

Great  excitement  by  me.  She  were  not 
beautiful  as  ladies  go  —  and  some  ladies  goes 
considerable.  Her  hair  was  red  like  a  blush 
ing  brick  and  her  face  seem  too  wealthy  to 
104 


Washing  Windows 

agree  with  anybody.     Yet  I  was  enraptured 
to  be  standing  above  so  much  money. 

I  perch  on  ladder  to  imitate  birds.  Pretty 
soonly  Hon.  Hennery,  containing  expensive 
boots,  report  back. 

"  Hon.  Mrs.  Gibbs  are  here  where  she  is," 
he  acknowledge  while  opening  ottomobile  door 
so  Hon.  Lady  could  alight  down  richly. 
Queens  act  thusly  when  getting  out  of  ships. 
I  could  observe  the  fluttering  ostriches  on  top 
of  her  millinary  head.  How  expensive  to  esti 
mate! 

When  she  was  snuggling  forth  in  direction 
of  front  door,  I  must  lean  very  crooked  back 
wards  for  see  what  was.  I  could  not  tell 
how  it  happen,  but  when  leastly  expected  — 
O  knock!  Hon.  Soap  slyly  slip  forth  from 
window-sill  where  he  was  setting  and  flop  to 
hat  of  Mrs.  Diggle  Clodd!!!  Great  mixture 
of  plumage  ensued  while  feathers  drop  with 
confusion  resembling  2  roosters  fighting  in  a 
cyclone. 

"  Oh  Hennery !  Look  upwards  and  see 
what !  "  she  shreech. 

Hennery  do  so,  and  while  thusly  he  gazed 
my  elbow  disjoint  himself  and   O   swash!!! 
That  suds  bucket  flop  forwards  &  spill  2  com 
plete  gals  soap-water  on  top  of  his  elegance. 
105 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

He  show  bitter  expression  peculiar  to  per 
sons  standing  under  Niagara. 

"  Who  do  it?  "  holla  Hon.  Hennery  &  Hon. 
Mrs. 

"  I  no  do  it !  "  were  lawyer  reply  for  me. 
"  Hon.  Bucket  must  be  guilty." 

"  Are  you  not  manager  for  that  bucket  ?  " 
require  Hon.  Hennery. 

"  How  could  I  tell  when  he  is  going  to 
shoot  ?  "  I  narrate. 

"  Hennery ! !  "  she  gubble,  "  elope  up  ladder 
and  pluck  that  impertinence  down !  " 

Mr.  Editor,  I  are  a  tame  Japanese,  yet  when 
I  observe  gentleman  in  uniform  descending 
up  ladder  with  warfare  expression,  all  the 
Port  Arthur  of  my  nationality  come  out. 

"  Hara  kiri !  "  I  acknowledge  to  Hon.  Chauf 
fer  while  shooting  remnants  of  sudds-water 
straight  at  his  profile.  He  look  very  bath 
house  —  yet  he  still  continue  to  approach. 

"  When  I  obtain  you  — "  he  pronounce, 
making  a  grab  to  heel. 

"When  you  get  me  I  shall  be  elsewhere/' 
I  defy.  Thusly  speaking  I  leap  into  the  face 
of  that  bay  window  and  arrive  inside  of  bed 
room  with  loudy  crashes.  Somebody  below- 
stairs  yell,  "  Burglar !  " —  but  I  knew  I  could 
not  be  a  burglar  and  be  so  noisy.  Hon.  Hen- 
106 


Washing  Windows 

nery  continue  to  approach  up  ladder.  In 
anxious  escape  I  jump  over  n  chairs,  2.^/2  beds 
with  numerous  etcetera. 

In  a  soon  moment  I  could  observe  wet  head- 
ware  of  Hon.  Hennery  encroaching  through 
window  where  he  enter  with  rebound.  I 
make  talented  dodge  to  hallway  where  I  bang 
door  &  lock  him,  thus  encircling  Hon.  Chauf 
fer  with  his  wrath. 

Below  downstairs  I  could  hear  Hon.  Mrs 
Clodd  talking  mustard  to  Hon.  Mrs  Gibb.  I 
could  hear  angry  voices  walking  upstairs. 

If  I  lost  any  time  I  must  do  so  quickly.  I 
trot  backwards  down  hall.  From  window  in 
rearward  bedroom  I  seen  one  porch-escape 
from  which  I  flew  like  aeroplanes.  I  make 
down  shoot  to  ground  while  Hon.  Mrs.  holla 
from  window. 

"  Togo,"  she  yall,  "  you  are  requested  never 
to  look  into  my  house  again !  " 

"  Those  residing  in  a  houseful  of  windows 
should  look  out  for  themselves,"  I  nudge  back 
walking  away  in  sections. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same,  yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


107 


X    PAPER-HANGING 


X    PAPER-HANGING 

To  Editor  Home  &  Ladies  Page  who  realise 
how  wallpaper  are  like  friendship:  sometime 
he  stick  right,  and  sometime  he  don't. 

DEAR  MR: 
Mrs  Bertha  Mac  Frenzie,  a  very 
medium  lady  residing  in  Boston,  Conn.,  dis- 
employed  me  recently  from  happy  home.  I 
was  very  satisfactory  help  to  her  until  follow 
ing  anecdote  happen  to  me. 

Mrs  Mac  Frenzie's  only  extravagance  are 
her  stingyness.  Careful  in  most  everything, 
she  become  extra  reckless  when  attempting  to 
save  Qc.  Her  thoughts  are  filled  with  skimmed 
milk  &  slaughterhouse  steak.  I  am  suprised 
Hon.  U.  S.  Government  do  not  hire  her  to  saw 
off  High  Cost  of  Living  before  he  start  to 
grow  any  taller.  I  know  because  I  seen  it. 

"  Togo,"  she  require  of  me,  "  too  much 
wealth  is  lavished  in  that  soup  you  make.  He 
is  too  thick." 

"If  he  become  thinner  he  will  faint  away," 
I  warn  out. 

in 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Soup  will  stand  considerable  starvation 
and  yet  seem  hearty,"  she  deploy.  So  I  do 
so. 

Last  Wedsday  she  approach  up  to  me  with 
arms  full  of  roll-up  material. 

"  I  have  dishcovered  now  so  I  can  save  9$ !  " 
she  deploy  with  glee-club  voice. 

"  Such  saving  may  involve  great  expense," 
I  corrode  brightly. 

She  neglect  my  chivalry. 

"  I  am  determined  to  paper  bedroom  of 
upstairs,"  she  rake  off.  "  This  shall  be  done 
by  home-made  labour.  These  wallpapers 
what  I  got  only  cost  IDC.  per  roll,  thusly  sav 
ing  i$.  Experienced  paper  hangmen  require 
4$  per  day.  It  take  2  such  to  paste  a  room 
properly.  I  shall  employ  you  for  nothing  to 
do  this  valuable  task,  thusly  saving  8$.  There 
fore,  I  save  i$  +  8$  =  9$." 

"  What  clever  stingyness  you  think  up !  "  I 
oblate.  No  response  from  her. 

She  led  me  upwards  to  bedroom  where  that 
job  must  be. 

"  Have  you  any  knowledge  of  paper-hang 
ing?"  she  ask  it. 

"  I  never  before  attended  such  a  lynching," 
was  answer  I  make. 

"  I  show  you  how  is,"  she  reciprocate.    So 

112 


Paper-Hanging 

she  lay  down  following  tools  on  floor  where  I 
could  see: 

12  bundles  wallpaper  of  blue  complexions 
tattooed  with  beauty  resembling  cauliflowers 
flirting  with  grapes. 

i  complete  bucket  filled  with  undigested 
dough  to  make  it  stick  by. 

Confused  rags  to  pat  with. 

I  ironing  board  to  stick  paper  on  top  of. 

I  ladder  to  lift  paper  on  when  hanging  him. 

I  shears  for  cut  up  paper  by. 

"Firstly,"  correspond  Hon.  Mrs  with 
shears,  "you  must  take  Hon.  Paper  thusly 
and  manicure  edges." 

She  make  cut-up  with  shears  for  show  how. 

"  Nextly  you  must  measure  wall  with  very 
careful  tailorship,  so  Hon.  Paper  will  fit  neatly 
like  a  coat." 

I  observe  her  did  it. 

"  Nextly  make  chop  off  to  Hon.  Paper  at 
place  where  he  fits.  Then  lay  him  on  iron 
ing-board  and  lather  his  back  completely  with 
dough  from  Hon.  Bucket." 

By  brush  she  do  so. 

"  Next  Hon.  Paper  are  ready  to  be  lynched. 
Raise  him  tenderly  by  both  ears  while  climb- 


Mr,  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

ing  ladder  and  spread  him  on  wall  with  smooth 
ness  resembling  butter.  If  he  refuse  to  lay 
still,  pat  him  lovingly  with  rags." 

She  teach  me  that  science  while  I  stand 
gast  to  observe  her  skilful  thumbs. 

"Can  you  do  this  jobs?"  she  require  to 
know. 

"Elaborately,"  I  confiscate. 

And  yet  I  were  not  aware  that  paperhang- 
ing  are  like  poetry,  marriage,  and  other  games 
—  deliciously  easy  to  look  at,  but  less  easy  to 
do. 

So  Hon.  Mrs  Mac  Frenzie  depart  away  for 
make  society  elsewheres  and  I  was  left  alone- 
some  with  that  paper.  Firstly  I  look  at  him 
long  time  admiring  the  extreme  art  of  his 
complexion.  I  could  not  realise  how  so  many 
grapes  and  cauliflowers  could  get  together 
without  being  confused.  Admiration  by  me! 

Then  I  start  some  industry.  Firstly  I  cut 
sifficient  chunk  of  this  flowery  decoration  so 
he  will  fit  wall.  This  were  aggrevated  task 
to  do,  because  when  I  unroll  him  to  make 
measure,  he  roll  back  with  rat-trap  expression 
and  burst  my  thumbs.  I  can  only  make  him 
behave  by  putting  my  feet  on  him  while  hold 
ing  him  down  to  ironing  board.  Pretty  soonly, 
by  extreme  skill  of  swashing,  I  manage  to 
114 


Paper-Hanging 

plaster  his  back  with  dough  like   Mrs   Mac 
Frenzie  told  me. 

Mr  Editor,  to  lubricate  wallpaper  with 
paste  are  difficult  art  like  greasing  snakes  with 
cold  cream.  There  are  so  much  longness  to 
him  that  he  can  do  one  thing  with  front  end, 
while  accomplishing  otherwise  with  tail.  So 
it  was.  Onwards  &  onwards  I  continue  to 
paste  Hon.  Wall  Paper  while  he  uncoil  to  any 
extent.  Pretty  soonly  front  end  of  him  were 
drooping  to  carpet,  and  yet  I  continue  to 
brush  his  back. 

At  lastly  he  were  entirely  moist  and  ready 
to  be  lynched.  With  delicious  politeness  I 
pick  him  up  by  corners  and  start  to  descend 
up  ladder  with  brave  expression  of  fireman 
saving  actresses.  But  when  I  was  nearly  up 
ward  I  discover  one  sad  event.  Lower  end 
of  Hon.  Paper  refuse  to  be  elevated.  For 
what  reason?  For  reason  because  he  had 
pasted  himself  to  carpet  and  clung  there  with 
stupidity  resembling  cats. 

"I  must  domineer  this  wallpaper  with  my 
personality,"  I  say  to  self.  So  I  lift  both 
elbows  strongly  in  attempting  to  jerk  him  from 
carpet.  With  expression  of  helpless  peev 
peculiar  to  angle-worms  he  tore  in  two.  y2 
of  his  flowery  egotism  drop  stickfully  to  car- 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

pet.  Other  J^  remain  affectionately  clinging 
to  my  lower  legs  where  he  remain,  however 
much  I  beg  him  to  desist  off. 

Wallpaper,  Mr  Editor,  resemble  some  fe 
male  Ladies,  beautiful  in  their  complexions, 
but  very  sidewise  when  least  expected. 

So  on  that  ladder  stood  me  &  Hon.  Wall 
Paper  clinging  together  like  Romeo  &  Juliet, 
but  not  mentioning  love  poems.  The  more  I 
loosened,  the  more  he  tightened.  By  time  I 
was  able  to  disjoint  him  from  my  legs,  he  had 
fell  affectionately  on  my  chest  where  he  make 
behaviour  peculiar  to  postage  stamps.  Yet  I 
did  not  enrage.  Diplomacy  frequently  suc 
ceeds  where  boxing  gloves  are  footless.  So  I 
decide  to  conquer  Hon.  Wall  Paper  by  kind 
ness.  Gently,  almost  shyly  I  ripped  him  from 
my  chest  at  same  moment  so  arranging  my 
wrists  that  I  could  detach  him  away  from  my 
legs.  Oh  joyful!  Soonly  he  were  divorced 
from  me  and  swinging  entirely  free  where  I 
hold  him  aloftward  by  his  ears.  This  were 
fine  moment  to  paste  him  suddenly  before  he 
understood  what  I  was  doing. 

So  I  make  quick  jump  at  wall  with  deter 
mined  elbows.  But  Hon.  Paper  were  more 
sudden  than  me.  Before  I  could  think  he 
116 


Paper-Hanging 

looped  himself  sidewise  and  became  stuck  on 
himself. 

This  make  curious  perdiclement.  Try  as 
I  should  to  pry  him  apart,  he  become  more 
and  more  absorbed  in  his  personality.  By 
this  time  his  blue  complexion  were  so  con 
fused  by  finger-prints  that  he  look  entirely 
Bertillon.  It  would  require  mathematics  to 
tell  which  was  right  side  of  him  and  which 
wrong. 

Then  I  decide  to  kill  him  at  once  and  try 
another.  So  I  clump  him  up  in  wad  resem 
bling  laundry  and  cast  him  outward  by  win 
dow. 

This  were  cruel  thing  to  do,  but  there  are 
some  things  which  look  best  when  you  can't 
see  them. 

Next  piece  paper  I  try  were  less  backward. 
He  stand  very  tame  &  quiet  while  I  measure 
him.  He  sat  still  and  wagg  his  tail  while  I 
paste  him  by  brush.  I  love  very  much  to 
think  how  polite  he  act.  Pretty  soonly  he 
were  ready  to  be  hung,  so  I  elope  up  ladder 
filled  with  happy  thoughts  to  think  how  happy 
Mrs  Mac  Frenzie  would  get  when  she  seen 
her  wall  so  broke  out  with  buds.  With  art 
expression  peculiar  to  Michael  Angelo  I  up- 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

raise  Hon.  Wall  Paper  aboveward.  He  lay 
still  and  quiet  like  eggs.  Adjusting  my  thumbs 
I  was  entirely  ready  to  paste  him  when  —  O 
pounce ! 

Oozing  damp  glue  from  his  annointed  back 
he  suddenly  fall  on  my  head  and  surround  me 
where  I  stood  on  that  ladder. 

It  were  like  riding  an  airship  while  being 
buried  in  a  tent  full  of  mucilage.  It  were  like 
sleeping  between  sheets  of  fly-paper. 

I  wiere  in  a  very  perdiculous  position.  Must 
I  leap  from  ladder,  thusly  bursting  neck  so  far 
from  Japan?  Or  must  I  stood  there  and  be 
gradually  smothered  up  in  mural  decorations? 

I  could  feel  sticky  substance  drooping  from 
my  hair  &  eyebrows.  I  stood  on  my  perch 
like  a  blind  bird. 

"What  this?"  I  could  see  a  voice  beside 
me  saying  so.  It  were  Mrs  Mac  Frenzie,  I 
could  told  by  the  claws  in  her  speech. 

"  Gug ! "  I  response  with  all  the  language 
I  could.  I  knew  she  was  observing  my  wall 
paper  face. 

"  Come  down  at  oncely !  "  she  holla.  I  obey 
by  tittering  backwards  from  my  perch  and 
walking  on  air  which  had  a  hole  in  it  thus 
permitting  me  to  fall  12  feet  to  central  room 
where  most  of  the  furniture  was,  including 
118 


Paper-Hanging 

Hon.    Paste   Bucket  which  got  confused  in 
everything  else  including  me. 

When  I  pick  myself  uply  from  that  rum 
pus,  my  head  was  intruding  from  wallpaper 
hood  like  a  fanciful  millinary. 

Hon.  Floor  were  covered  by  paste,  paper, 
and  relics  of  where  I  fell. 

"  You  done  nice  job ! "  snarred  Hon.  Mrs 
who  stood  in  midst. 

"  I  shall  do  better  next  place,"  I  recover. 

"  You  have  papered  everything  in  the  room 
except  the  wall,"  she  dib  sarcastly. 

"  I  are  going  to  paper  that  next,"  are  an 
swer  for  me. 

"  There  shall  never  not  be  no  Next ! "  she 
squabble,  while  poking  me  forthly  into  frost 
bite  of  street. 

There  I  stood  in  coldness  without  any  other 
overcoat  except  wall  paper  I  wore. 

So  I  slushed  saddishly  to  trolley  remember 
ing  words  of  Hon.  Mild  Standish.     "  If  you 
want  a  thing  done  wrong,  do  it  yourself ! " 
Hoping  you  do  so,  Yours  truly 

Hashimura  Togo. 


XI     HON.    GLADYS    OBTAIN    MATRI 
MONY 


XI    HON.    GLADYS    OBTAIN    MATRI 
MONY 

To  Editor  Woman's  Page,  who  do  so  much 
to  make  family  life  less  lonesome. 

DEAR  MR  SIR:— 
Home  of  Hon.  Samule  Scott,  East 
Orange,  N.  J.,  is  one  of  the*  nicest  homes  from 
which  I  ever  was  discharged  from.  When  I 
first  went  there  to  work  that  family  contained 
following  list  of  persons: 

Mrs  Scott 

Mr 

Miss     "      "(retired). 

This  Miss  Scott  were  young  lady  of  20 
years  complete  beauty.  O  such  smiling  hair 
&  blond  eyes!  How  well  her  complexion 
matched  her  costume!  Before  her  marriage 
her  name  was  Gladys,  but  I  are  not  sure  what 
she  is  called  now,  as  each  American  girl  must 
change  her  name  when  she  get  married.  This 
is  very  confusing  custom  to  Japanese  boy.  I 
was  working  for  that  Scott  family  when  that 
123 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Hon.  Gladys  obtained  matrimony.  I  never 
seen  an  American  wedding  before.  Now  I 
realise  why  so  many  people  in  these  U.  S.  ob 
ject  to  being  married  more  than  once. 

Hon.  Scott,  who  has  been  a  father  to  Gladys 
all  her  life,  arrived  up  to  me  last  Tuesday 
P.  M.  and  say  fidget  fully, 

"  Togo,"  he  say,  "  there  will  be  a  wedding 
in  this  house  next  Satday  &  I  wish  you  would 
be  as  stylish  as  possible  in  passing  food.  You 
must  appear  fashionable  in  every  way,  because 
it  are  customary  on  such  occasions  to  look 
more  wealthy  than  you  are." 

"  Are  you  going  to  be  married  again,  Hon. 
Sir?"  I  ask  with  chivalry. 

"  Not  if  I  could  avoid  it ! "  he  say  peevly. 
"  It  is  my  daughter  Gladys  who  I  shall  give 
away." 

"  To  who  will  you  donate  this  charming 
lady?"  I  ask  out. 

"  Hon.  Charlie  Sweetberry  will  be  the  blush 
ing  bridebroom,"  he  pronounce.  "  You  re 
member  Charlie  who  arrive  here  more  & 
more  frequently  bearing  flowers  ?  " 

"  Distinctually,"  I  report.  "  He  came  with 
rose-bud  tokens  so  frequently  I  thought  that 
he  was  a  florist." 

"We  intend  to  make  this  wedding  so  joy- 
124 


Hon.  Gladys 

ful  that  we  are  all  quite  miserable  preparing 
for  it,"  he  describe.  "  The  event  will  be  shot 
off  at  high  noon." 

"  Are  noon  on  a  wedding  day  any  higher 
than  any  other  noon  ? "  I  require  for  infor 
mation. 

"If  you  paid  the  bills  you  would  think 
so ! "  he  explode  glubly  &  walk  in  an  offward 
direction. 

Mr  Editor,  you  would  be  surprised  to  see 
how  much  burden  that  wedding  was  to  Hon. 
Express  Co.  who  brought  the  packages !  For 
several  entire  days  bundles  arrove  in  large 
quantities  of  freight.  Street  in  front  of  that 
house  was  headquarters  for  delivery  wagons. 
Messengers  came  continually  bringing  Merry 
Christmas  parcels  enwrapped  in  paper.  Hon. 
Samule  Scott,  assisted  by  me  &  family,  would 
spend  long-time  each  day  disenwrapping  those 
parcels  and  gossiping  about  what  came.  Ex 
citement.  Out  would  drop  some  golden  fork 
or  swollen  pitcher  marked  "  Happy  Re 
turns." 

"  Why  should  these  be  labelled  '  Happy  Re 
turns'  ?  "  I  negotiate. 

"  Because,"   pronounce  Hon.   Samule  with 
depressed  eyebrows,  "  they  are  all  returns  of 
wedding  presents  we  sent  other  folks." 
125 


Mr.  Togo:  M,aid  of  All  Work 

I  stand  gast  at  this  phenomenal. 

Each  day  for  14  complete  hours  that  han 
som  Scottish  home  stood  full  of  dressmakers, 
vacuum  cleaners,  dentists,  milliners,  reporters 
and  other  necessities  of  life.  Hon.  Samule 
Scott  walk  around  looking  tense  like  a  finan 
cial  crisis.  Mrs.  Scott  were  always  busy. 
When  not  engaged  in  any  other  housekeeping 
she  set  down  and  wept  some  tears. 

"Why  you  wept,  Hon.  Lady?"  I  ask  to 
know. 

"  I  am  preparing  for  the  wedding,"  she  say 
back.  "  No  wedding  can  look  fashionable 
without  a  few  weeps." 

Each  morning  Hon.  Gladys  Scott  stand  up 
with  dressmaker  and  report  with  angry  rage 
of  girlish  soprano,  "  You  make  me  so  nervus 
that  screaming  would  seem  pleasant !  "  Yet  a 
few  moments  later  she  meet  Hon.  Chas  Sweet- 
berry  in  parlour  &  report  with  kitten  words, 
"  O  Chas,  I  am  so  happy !  " 

My  brain  feel  cross-eyed  to  hear  this  du 
plex  conversation. 

Friday  night  Hon.  Tortoni,  Italian  eater- 
man,  back-up  horse  to  front  lawn  and  dump 
forth  sifficient  camp-chairs  to  furnish  I  com 
plete  picnic.  Hon.  Chas  Sweetberry  &  I 
clergy  man  come  later.  They  meet  that  Scott 
126 


Hon.  Gladys 

family,  including  Hon.  Gladys,  in  parlour 
where  they  lock  door  and  say  a  long  ceremony, 
walking  around  &  giving  away  several  times. 

When  Hon.  Sweetberry  come  outside  to 
smoke  cigaret,  I  say  to  him  with  banzai  in 
my  voice, 

"  Congratulations,  Mr  Sir !  " 

"For  what?"  he  dib. 

"  For  your  marriage  which  just  took  place/' 
I  encroach. 

"That  wasn't  marriage,"  he  snork.  "We 
was  just  practising." 

I  was  confused. 

*  *  *  *  5 

Great  date  of  wedding  was  finally  there. 
All  furniture  in  Hon.  Parlour  was  fixed  like 
pews,  so  all  could  take  set-down.  Mrs  Scott 
wep  some  more  when  she  seen  the  chairs  in 
tiers.  All  that  home  was  dressed  with 
greenish  smilax  like  a  beautiful  salad.  Hon. 
Bridebroom  arrive  with  silk-pipe  hat  over 
his  headache.  Five  or  six  best  men  emerge 
at  front  door  wearing  Floridora  clothing. 
Bridal-maidens  came  in  quantities  looking 
like  they  wondered  who  would  be  next.  Hu- 
mouristical  college  friends  walk  up  carrying 
footware,  rice  &  other  groceries.  Several 
hack-loads  of  relatives  was  wheeled  to  door. 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Silence. 

A  clergy  man  encroach  at  side  door  with 
Rev  Mr.  expression. 

All  was  prepare.  Yet  something  was  not. 
Hon.  Samule  Scott  rosh  up  to  me  with  quiet 
craze. 

"  Togo,"  he  whasper,  "  where  are  Chas,  the 
bridebroom  ?  " 

"  I  seen  him  in  aunty-room  off  library  quar 
relling  with  his  necktie,"  I  report. 

Surely  yes!  He  was  there  in  aunty-room 
trying  to  correct  the  nervus  behaviour  of  his 
collar  button. 

"  This  is  the  happiest  day  of  my  life,"  re 
port  Hon.  Chas  when  dishcovered,  "  How  my 
shoes  hurt  me !  " 

More  silence. 

All  that  audience  now  set  in  parlour  ex- 
pectfully.  Humouristical  college  friends  pass 
rice-package  amidst  eyewinks  peculiar  to 
comedians.  Several  relatives  appear  quite 
affectionate. 

Music  emerj  from  piano.  Hon.  Bride- 
broom  with  serene  collar  now  pop  forth  and 
stand  amid  flowers  at  end  of  room.  2x2 
now  gome  Bridlemaidens  expensively  trimmed. 
Hon.  Bride,  artistically  enwrapped  in  original 
Irish  curtains,  nextly  step  forth  supporting 
128 


H on.  Gladys 

her  Father,  who  need  this  attention  because 
of  his  quaker  knees. 

"  You  are  what  you  say  you  are  ?  "  require 
Hon.  Clergy  to  Bride  &  Broom  who  now 
stand  close  by. 

They  agree  to  this. 

"  Has  somebody  here  an  objection  to  this 
gentleman  ? "  ask  Hon.  Preach  to  audience. 

Everybody  seem  careless  about  replying. 
I  was  going  to  say  how  I  thought  he  was  too 
easily  peeved  about  his  neckties,  but  Hon. 
Preach  neglected  to  wait. 

When  Hon.  Preach  explain  to  Bride  how 
she  must  take  that  man  for  worse  &  more  of 
it,  she  seem  to  feel  no  alarm.  He  warned 
her  about  several  things  which  I  could  not 
hear.  Still  she  was  determined  to  be  mar 
ried.  So  Hon.  Bridebroom,  who  seem  too  en 
tranced  to  remember,  borrow  a  ring  from  Best 
Man  and  Miss  Scott  became  a  Mrs. 

Wildly  onrush  of  friends  now  ensued. 
Kissing  heard  everwheres  amidst  sobs  &  other 
joy.  Most  elderly  gentlemans  was  most  duti 
ful  about  kissing  Bride. 

"  No  one  shall  be  permitted  this  salute  ex 
cept  relatives !  "  holla  Hon.  Bridebroom  ap 
pearing  slightly  frantic. 

"  Then   we  must  be   included,"   report   16 
129 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

humouristic  college  friends.  "  We  are  fra 
ternity  brothers  to  you."  They  approach 
with  happy  mob. 

Nextly  come  wedding  brekfast.  This  was 
the  most  latest  brekfast  I  ever  passed  food 
for.  Also  it  was  so  innapropriate  for  brek 
fast,  because  wine  was  served  instid  of  eggs. 
And  the  only  toast  which  they  ate  was  drank 
amidst  speeches.  Everytime  somebody  poke 
forth  harsh  word  about  Hon.  Bridebroom  it 
seem  laughing-signal  for  all. 

"  This  young  man,"  report  Uncle  Henry  to 
Hon.  Bride  while  he  rose  upward,  "  This  young 
man  remind  me  dishagreeably  of  his  Uncle 
Hiram  which  led  a  wild  life  and  was  sent 
to  Congress  in  his  old  age.  Be  careful  or  he 
will  do  likewise." 

The  blushing  Bride  seem  very  calm.  It  was 
the  Bridebroom  who  done  nearly  all  the  blush 
ing. 

Pretty  soonly  the  recent  Mr  &  Mrs  Sweet- 
berry  make  quick-change  to  railroad  clothing 
and  elope  together  to  hack  outside.  While 
they  was  walking  down  front  steps  those  16 
humouristic  college  chums  suddenly  give  Black 
Hand  signal. 

WHOSH!! 

42  gallons  selected  rice  make  cyclone  upon 
130 


Hon.  Gladys 

hat-plumage  of  that  Mrs  Bride  who  escape 
with  screem  to  carriage. 

BOMB!! 

12  complete  carpet  slippers  hit  Mr  Bride- 
broom  with  accurate  target-practice  just  as 
he  was  lifting  his  legs  into  that  cab.  More 
feetware  mingled  with  rice  arrive  in  droves 
and  hit  Hon.  Carriage  with  angry  strokes. 
My  Samurai  soul  stood  endwise  with  alarm. 
I  should  prevent  this  cruelty. 

"  O  stop ! "  I  holla,  roshing  forwards. 
"Why  should  you  attack  them  young  folks 
and  drive  them  forth  with  brutality  after  what 
they  has  went  through?  Toss  one  more  rub 
ber  boot  and  I  shall  rebuke  you  with  my 
rages." 

While  thusly  I  spoke  one  2nd  handed  ball 
room   slipper   stroked  my   hair   and   I   walk 
away  feeling  absent  in  my  brain. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same 
Yours  truly 

Hashimura 


XII    FALL  CLEANING 


XII    FALL  CLEANING 

To  Editor  Good  Housekeeping  Magazine, 
who  realise  how  collapsed  home  life  looks 
when  being  cleaned. 

DEAR  MR: 
Some  folks  is  so  clean  they  cause  con 
siderable  untidiness  everywheres  they  go. 
Such  was  Hon.  Mrs  August  Moon  of  Salem, 
Mass,  who  is  another  of  my  bosses  gone  by. 
This  lady  got  a  house  containing  mahogany 
chairs  which  was  brought  over  by  Hon.  Pil 
grim  Fathers  when  they  was  running  ferry 
boat  Cauliflower  between  Salem  and  Grand 
Rapids,  Mich.  She  revere  her  furniture  and 
all  her  other  ancestors.  Each  day  she  require 
me  to  stroke  her  mahogany  lovingly  with  fur 
niture  polish. 

This    Hon.    Lady    are    very    superstitious 

about   dirt.     She  think  it  are   not  clean  to 

have    around.     She    imagine    dust,    soot    & 

mildew  enter  her  house  like  a  burgler  and 

135 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Togo  must  be  a  policeman  to  arrest  it  when 
it  gets  inside. 

"  Togo,"  s*he  say,  while  I  am  enslaving 
myself  amidst  dishwater  in  kitchen,  "  I  just 
heard  a  mouse  making  footprints  in  attic. 
Rosh  up  with  mop,  please,  and  remove  his 
muddy  tracks." 

I  do  so. 

"  Togo,"  she  requesh  nextly,  "  six  autumn 
leaves  has  fell  on  the  walk  befront  of  the 
house.  Gather  them  in  your  apron  and  burn 
them  thoroughly  in  kitchen  stove,  taking  care 
that  no  ashes  escape." 

I  do  so. 

"  Togo,"  she  hypothecate,  "  I  can  observe 
two  fly-tracks  running  over  portrait  of  my 
ancestor,  Gov.  Beelzebub  Biggs.  Kindly  to 
wash  his  face  carefully  with  cast-steel  soap 
and  don't  offend  his  dignitary." 

This  also  I  accomplish  compressing  the  in 
surgent  feeling  that  arise  continuously  in  my 
elbows. 

"The  early  bird  obtains  worms,"  she  say 
cheerly  when  I  arise  at  4.32  a.  m.  for  scrubb 
with  sudds. 

"  At  such  time  as  this  I  prefer  sleep  to 
worms,"  are  smart  reply  I  make. 

136 


Fall  Cleaning 

"  To-day  we  shall  commence  houseclean- 
ing,"  she  report  last  Fryday  a.  m. 

"  Commence  it !  "  I  communicate  crossly 
like  Napoleon.  "  When  did  we  ever  discon 
tinue  to  houseclean  ?  " 

"  Ah  ho!  "  she  laugh  at.  "  What  you  has 
been  doing  is  merely  lick-and-promise. 
Housecleaning  are  different.  To  house- 
clean  you  must  pull  down  everything  that 
is  up  and  pull  up  everything  that  is  down. 
Home  must  be  carried  out  into  the  back 
yard  and  throughly  swep.  All  dust  in  house 
must  be  shoved  out  onto  carpets  which  are 
on  clothesline;  then  all  carpets  on  clothes 
line  must  be  brutably  punished  with  clubs  un 
til  dust  fly  back  into  house.  And  so  on  until 
exhausted." 

I  could  not  disobey  such  wise  demand.  So 
I  remove  off  coat  and  commence  eloping  up 
&  down  stair,  each  time  carrying  some  variety 
of  pianos  and  mahogany  dresser.  My  sus 
penders  bulged  with  gigantic  strength  while 
Hon.  Mrs  Moon  stood  near  and  explained  how 
I  was  more  weak  than  Irish  labour. 

That  house  were  completely  filled  with 
break-a-brack  and  other  dishes  which  had 
been  shot  full  of  holes  by  mean  British  in 
137, 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Battle  of  Revolution  which  occurred  in  1492. 
There  was  many  plates  &  cups,  beautiful  but 
very  lame.  I  drop  several  of  these  in  re 
moval,  and  they  look  more  broke  than  usual. 
Several  of  them  fell  down  stairs  ahead  of  me 
and  arrived  with  considerable  crashes. 

"  I  estimate  my  loss  at  $580  which  must 
be  removed  from  your  wages/'  Mrs  Moon 
say-so  while  she  stood  mourning  over  those 
fractured  relicks. 

I  reply  by  saying  nothing. 

I  rip  up  carpets  with  strength  peculiar  to 
a  giant  full  of  steam.  I  throw  him  on 
clothesline  and  trott  backwards  for  more. 
I  bathe  Mr  Moon's  painted  ancesters  with 
soap-wash  till  they  look  nearly  handsome.  I 
polish  floors,  door,  silver  &  hardwear  with 
continuous  rapidity.  I  wash  stove  with  sudds 
and  clean  14  pairs  gloves  with  gasolene. 

Then  another  breakage  occur  which  were 
too  bad.  I  was  smoothing  one  snobbish- 
looking  china-closet  with  rags,  when  I  axi- 
dentally  broke  him  endwise  by  dropping  out 
of  window.  Mrs.  Moon  could  not  help  from 
noticing. 

"$19.82  extra  subtracted  from  your 
wages ! "  she  holla  arithmatically. 

No  intelligent  reply  from  me. 
138 


Fall  Cleaning 

Hon.  Mrs  Moon  spend  morning  in  attic 
opening  reverend  trunks  and  fetching  forth 
quilts  &  skirts  belonging  to  Pilgrims.  These 
I  also  pin  to  clothes-line.  Nextly  I  brosh 
wall-paper  with  whisk  and  climb  to  roof 
where  I  save  a  white  cat  which  had  crolled 
up  drain-pipe  to  suicide  himself.  I  receive 
no  extra  pay  for  this  kindness.  While  doing 
thusly  I  burst  $27  worth  of  windows  and  bill 
was  sent  to  me  by  Mrs  Moon  who  holla  how 
much  it  was. 

I  carry  6  tons  complete  books  from  cellar 
to  library  on  3rd  floor.  When  I  find  they  no 
belong  there  I  took  them  back  again.  I  also 
transmit  considerable  bags  containing  coal 
from  woodshed  to  basement  where  it  look 
more  comfortable. 

Very  sorry  event  occurred  when  I  was  wash 
ing  48  eggs  shell  china  cups.  Shelf  of  table 
upturned  and  all  splatter  to  floor.  Mrs  Moon 
screech  and  charge  it  to  my  account. 

After  that  I  paint  back  porch,  carry  side 
boards,  croll  over  all  ceilings  of  rooms  to  fish 
away  cobwebs  with  broom  and  stuff  uphol 
stery  into  all  lounges  what  need  it. 

Mrs  Moon  were  a  very  thoughtful  woman. 
She  always  thought  of  something  more  for 
me  to  do  with  arms  and  legs.  When  I  was 
139 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

on  top-ladder  dusting  chandeliers  she  sud 
denly  remember  her  mother's  fire-screen  she 
had  not  seen  since  Agnes  was  married. 

"  Go  down  cellar  and  open  1 1  boxes  con 
taining  trash  and  see  if  mother's  fire-screen 
ain't  there." 

I  do  so.     It  were  not. 

"  Nail  them  up  again  quickly/*  she  com 
ment.  "  Then  go  to  roof  and  sweep  out 
chimbley." 

I  elevated  myself  to  loftly  position  and  stood 
poking  smok-tracks  from  chimbley.  Just  then 
she  holla, 

"  Come  down  ist  floor,  please,  and  ade  me 
in  removing  tables  upstairs." 

I  do  so  wishing  I  was  a  bird  and  could  fly 
up  and  down  with  less  feetsteps. 

By  that  time  Hon.  Sun  were  setting  and 
I  feel  like  doing  the  same.  So  I  choose  soft 
chair  in  back  yard  and  soothe  myself  by 
flopping  to  it.  There  I  reposed  amidst  rags, 
rugs,  brooms,  portraits,  paints  and  other 
cleanly  dirt. 

"Why  you  set  there  so  worklessly?"  she 
require,  seeing  me  with  eagle  expression. 

"  I  have  moved  so  much  that  I  am  now 
moveless,"  I  reply  with  great  pathos. 

She  make  her  eyes  look  kind  and  charity. 
140 


Fall  Cleaning 

"  Maybe  you  tired !  "  she  collapse  with  con 
siderable  gentleness. 

"  Ah  no,  Mrs  Madam,"  I  contuse  chival 
rously.  "  I  not  tired  —  I  merely  exhausted." 

"  Servants  should  be  cherished  as  well  as 
masters,"  she  say  scientifically.  "  I  acknowl 
edge  my  carelessness.  In  enthusiasm  of 
housecleaning  I  forgot  you  was  as  apt  to  get 
fatigued  as  any  other  horse.  I  permit  you 
to  feel  weary,  because  you  are  Japanese  and 
not  strong  like  a  Irish  labour.  I  forgive  this 
fault  in  you." 

"  O  thank  you  so  many  for  that  gentle 
heart!"  I  report  back,  enjoying  slight  tear 
drop  from  gratitude. 

"  No,    Togo,    you    may    rest,"    she    say. 
"  But  while  you  are  resting,  would  you  please 
go  out  to  back  yard  and  beat  a  few  Brussels 
carpets?" 

Excuse  me,  Mr  Editor,  for  acting  so  un- 
obliged  to  a  lady.  But  I  could  not  do  further 
more.  My  arms  walk  out  on  strike  when  I 
attempt  to  make  them  work.  So  I  go  to 
kitchen  and  arrive  back  with  satchel  grip  and 
derby  hat. 

"  Sweethearted  Mrs  Madam,"  I  report,  "  I 
realise  how  my  mind  is  too  lightweight  for 
your  serious  employment.     Therefore  I  quit. 
141 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

How  much  you  estimate  I  owe  you  for  dam 
age,  breakage  &  crackage  I  done  to-day  ?  " 

"  1230.50  would  cover  everything,"  she  sup 
pose. 

"At  my  present  wage-pay  of  $5  per 
weekly,"  I  snuggest,  "  I  should  be  very  elderly 
Japanese  before  last  instalment  was  pay  off. 
Therefore  I  shall  not  encumber  you  by  wait 
ing  so  long." 

"  But  what  shall  I  do  about  that  bill?  "  she 
require  nervely. 

"  Ah,  Mrs  Madam,  you  are  honest  lady,"  I 
bounce  back.  "  I  are  sure  I  can  trust  you  to 
keep  that  bill  more  better  than  anybody  else." 

"You  done  my  household  considerable  in 
jury,"  she  sum  up. 

"  I  are  willing  to  forgive  that  also,"  I  rep 
artee.  "  Therefore,  if  you  will  present  me 
with  5oc  out  of  what  I  owe  you,  I  shall  retreat 
by  trolley  and  leave  your  home  safe  from 
me/' 

She  contribute  25c  from  purse,  because  she 
say  she  can't  get  no  more  change  until  her 
husband  get  back.  That  gentleman  are  in 
Arabia  collecting  rugs,  so  I  decide  it  was  too 
long  to  wait  for  25c. 

When  nextly  seen  I  was  standing  on  depot- 
station  in  New  England  R.  R.  asking  Hon. 
142 


Fall  Cleaning 

Ticket  Merchant  if  he  would  sell  me  fare  to 
some  city  where  folks  never  clean  house  ex 
cept  when  scolded  by  Brd  of  Health. 
Hoping  you  are  the  same 
Yours  truly 

Hashimura  Togo. 


143 


XIII     APARTMENT   HOUSE   LIFE   IN 
NEW  YORK 


XIII    APARTMENT    HOUSE    LIFE    IN 
NEW   YORK 

To  Editor  Home  &  Lady  page  whose  wis 
dom  is  furniture  for  many  apartments. 

DEAR  MR: 
Excuse    my    handwriting    for    being 
cramped  this  time  —  I   have  been  living   in 
one  N.  Y.  apartment-house  where  everything 
is  squeezed.     I  tell  you. 

A  short  time  of  yore  I  seen  following  ad 
vertisement-news  in  N.  Y.  Paper : 

WANTED:  Small-size  Japanese  required  to  do 
housework  in  fashionable  apartment.  Must  be  able 
to  squeeze  deliciously  tight  between  furniture  and 
to  take  up  no  room  whatsoever.  No  fat  persons  re 
quired.  Apply  to  Mrs.  Buckingham  Jinx,  Matter- 
horn  Apts. 

I  was  entirely  proud  &  nervus,  Mr  Editor, 
to  apply  to  that  jobs.     Formerly  I  had  been 
simple,  jay  seed  Japanese  working  in  J/£  size 
147 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

towns  where  nothing  was  large.  But  here 
I  was  in  great  city  of  N.  Y.  where  everything 
was  giganterous  &  big.  Home-life  here,  I 
thought,  must  be  unlimited  like  Pennsylvania 
Depots. 

This  show  how  thoughtless  we  are  when 
we  think. 

I  go  to  address  of  that  Jinx  lady,  which  is 
at  No  333  W  333rd  Street,  comfortable 
neighbourhood  where  20  miles  of  sky-scrape 
homes  are  clumped  together  attempting  to 
look  quaint.  I  was  proud  to  see  their 
swollen  size.  How  expansive  it  was  for 
Japanese  Schoolboy  to  be  employed  in  city 
where  everything  was  so  big  that  even  small 
cottages  look  like  Flatiron  Bldgs!  Already  I 
begin  to  feel  pity  for  Peoria  where  folks  must 
choke  in  2  story  houses. 

Pretty  soonly  I  arrive  to  Matterhorn  Apts. 
How  stylishly  enormalous  it  was!  I  never 
observed  a  place  with  more  upstairs.  12  com 
plete  stories  I  could  count  with  my  sore  neck. 
And  so  fashionable  to  go  into!  Its  frontside 
entrance  was  filled  with  marble  halls,  foun 
tains,  brassy  electricity,  golden  elevators,  no 
ble  niggero  boys  in  uniform  of  admirals. 
This  was  most  biggest  entrance  in  America, 
and  I  was  certainly  sure  that  folks  what  live 
148 


Apartment  House  Life 

in  those  apartments  upstairs  must  enjoy  such 
grand-size  rooms  they  have  to  ride  motor 
cycles  between  parlour  and  dinning-room. 

While  thusly  I  thought  Swedish  gentleman 
in  proud  overalls  arrive  up. 

"  What  you  wish,  standing  there  fool 
ishly  ?  "  he  require. 

"  Do  you  own  this  palace  ?  "  I  ask  to  know. 

"  Yes,"  he  report  peevly.  "  I  are  the 
Janitor." 

"  I  am  suprised  by  this  Matterhorn  house," 
I  explode.  "  The  mountainous  steepness  of 
its  apartments  apalls  me." 

"  The  mountainous  steepness  of  its  rents 
would  apall  you  more,  if  you  seen  them,"  he 
explain  with  insulting  eyebrows. 

So  he  poke  me  to  elevator  where  I  was 
uplifted  to  9  floors.  Folks  living  in  apart 
ment  house  leads  very  up-and-down  life. 
When  they  go  outside  they  must  be  elevated 
downwards,  when  they  return  they  must  be 
vice  versa.  It  are  impossible  to  see  how  folks 
can  be  level  in  such  home  life,  and  yet  it  is. 

Hon.  Mrs  Jinx,  entirely  Duchess  appear 
ing  lady,  meet  me  at  doorway  with  Vander- 
bilt  nose. 

"  This    are   my   apartment,"    she   express, 
pointing  to  a  hallway  surrounded  by  expen- 
149 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

sive  looking  cells  filled  with  gilty  furniture, 
pianolas,  painted  portraits,  rugs  and  ma- 
hoganish  tables  resembling  J.  P.  Morgan. 

"Yes,"  I  report.  "This  are  your  apart 
ment  —  but  where  is  your  home  ?  " 

"  In  N.  Y.,"  she  report  with  Waldorf  ex 
pression,  "  home  is  where  we  pay  our  rent." 

Mr  Editor,  when  that  lady  show  me  her 
apartment  I  was  jigged  by  surprise.  Each 
room  was  less  than  life-size,  yet  it  contain 
wealth  resembling  Buckingham.  Mahoganish 
doors,  plush  walls,  luxury  here  and  there  — 
but  where  was  there  room  to  live  in? 

"  This  are  drawing-room,"  she  indicate, 
making  points  to  Pullman-car  compartment 
containing  gas-log  and  French-speaking  fur 
niture.  I  should  like  to  set  down  in  such  a 
room,  but  the  chairs  was  in  the  way. 

She  show  me  dinning-room.  It  contain 
four-plate-power  table,  portraits  of  fish  on 
walls  and  shelf  with  several  beery  steins 
with  German  motto,  "  Drinken,  Dranken, 
Drunken." 

"  This  cozy  room  are  good  for  small 
banquets,"  she  acknowledge. 

"  Small    banquets    is     of  tenly     the    most 
limited,"  I  encouridge. 
She  show  me  library. 
150 


Apartment  House  Life 

"  This  are  called  the  snuggery,"  she  con 
dole.  I  felt  very  congested  to  look  at  it. 
Folks  must  snug  very  snugly  to  snuggle  into 
such  a  snuggery.  On  high  top  shelf  was 
following  books  to  show  it  was  a  library: 
"  Pilgrum's  Progress,"  "  Life  of  John  Drew/' 
"  Bradstreet  on  Financial  Failures,"  "  Blue 
Book  of  N.  Y.  Smarty  Set." 

Under  table  was  poker  chips  to  entertain 
scholars  while  reading. 

Nextly  she  show  me  kitchen.  O  shocks! 
It  were  size  like  the  interior  of  a  upright 
piano.  Hon.  Gas  Stove  look  chilly  from 
setting  too  close  to  Hon.  Ice  Box  which  was 
hot  from  contax  with  gas  stove. 

"  This  Kitchen  are  small  but  comfortless," 
she  explain  braskly.  "  It  are  slightly  com 
pressed,  yet  there  is  room  for  everything  to 
cook  with/' 

"  One  thing  to  cook  with  there  is  no  room 
for,"  I  snuggest. 

"What  should  that  be?"  she  require. 

"  The  cook,"  I  explain. 

"  Smallish  Japanese  is  capable  of  squeez 
ing,"  she  fire  back. 

Nextly  she  ope  door  by  Kitchen  and  show 
me  one  dark-complexioned  cubby  hole  to 
look  at. 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  What  a  nice  vegetable  closet ! "  I  report. 
"  But  too  small,  perhaps,  for  large  cabbages." 

"That  are  not  a  vegetable  closet  —  it  are 
a  servant's  bedroom,"  she  develop. 

I  would  be  astonished,  but  there  was  no 
room. 

Sardines  gets  used  to  living  in  cans,  Mr 
Editor;  so  I  soonly  became  acquainted  with 
how  to  live  in  N.  Y.  flat  without  knock-off 
of  elbow.  It  were  umpossible  to  turn 
around  in  all  rooms,  but  I  could  get  out  of 
doors  by  backing  up. 

This  Mrs  Jinx  got  a  husband  who  are  a 
broker,  but  not  yet  broke.  He  come  home 
nights  long  enough  to  change  clothes  and 
take  his  wife  to  some  other  Roof  Garden. 
For  conversation  he  complain  of  his  debts. 

"  Why  should  we  live  in  flat  we  can't  af 
ford?  "  he  jowl,  reaching  across  dinning-room 
to  get  a  match. 

"  Mr  Husband ! "  report  Hon.  Mrs  with 
spasma,  "  how  could  you  forget  to  remember 
our  position?  In  this  house  live  2  families 
intimately  acquainted  with  a  Trust.  Also, 
look  at  our  main  entrance  downstairs  —  it 
are  a  bigger  waiting  room  than  the  Grand 
Central  Station  and  twice  as  lonesome.  This 
152 


Apartment  House  Life 

house  got  the  brightest  buttons,  swiftest  ele 
vator  and  crosset  janitor  in  New  York." 

Sometime  Mrs  Jinx  have  company  for 
dinner.  Her  dinning-room  was  sifficient  for 
4.  Therefore  she  ask  10.  N.  Y.  folks  is  con 
veniently  compressible,  especially  when  fat. 
Folks  wearing  diamonds  in  front  of  them 
would  arrive  to  these  dinners  and  explain 
why  they  wasn't  at  Newport. 

"  How  nicely  you  are  situated  here,"  they 
snuggest,  looking  sidewise. 

"  O  surely  yes !  "  obligate  Hon.  Mrs.  "  We 
have  splandid  view  of  the  airshaft  from  li 
brary  window  and  our  dinning-room  overlook 
some  of  the  finest  advertising  signs  in  the 
city." 

"  So  fortunate  you  are  with  so  much 
room ! "  say  lady  wearing  diamond  bib  on 
chest.  "  In  our  apartment  we  are  pusitively 
crowded." 

No  one  could  believe  it. 

"  Why  do  you  keep  a  canary  ? "  ask  one 
gentleman  of  one  lady. 

"  Because  I  have  no  room  for  a  parrot," 
say  one  lady  to  one  gentleman. 

And  so  onward. 

My  cookery  is  deliciously  abominable, 
thank  you,  in  that  1-8  size  kitchen.  Yet 
153 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

those  N.  Y.  persons  is  so  refined  they  can 
disguise  any  taste  by  politeness. 

"  You  have  a  chef,  I  suspect  ? "  require  one 
brokerish  gentleman  gnawing  my  chicken 
crokets. 

"  Two  of  them,"  deceive  Mrs  Jinx  with 
5th  Ave  expression.  I  arrive  to  room  look 
ing  proud  with  dishes.  "  This  Togo  are  my 
faithful  butler  inherited  from  my  grandfather 
who  was  a  lawyer  and  kept  many  retainers." 

I  am  alarmed  to  hear  such  large  conversa 
tion  in  such  small  space.  And  yet  I  acted 
very  intelligent,  considering  my  stupidity. 

My  life  in  that  compartment  become  more 
and  more  homeless  as  time  relapsed.  Hon. 
Mrs  Jinx  were  the  most  stay-away  lady  I  ever 
seen.  She  say  she  go  out  to  get  the  air;  and 
I  could  not  blame  her.  For  2  entire  weeks 
she  was  somewheres  else  all  time.  In  early 
a.  m.  after  10  o'clock  she  go  down  town  for 
get  hats,  manicure  &  other  jewelry.  By  noon 
she  telephone,  "  I  shall  not  be  home  lunch, 
because  I  am  too  busy  wasting  time  with  Mrs 
Swatts-Byng."  By  night  she  telephone,  "I 
shall  not  be  home  dinner,  because  I  am  taking 
my  Husband  to  eat  at  Astoria  hotel,  after 
wards  we  shall  go  see  musical-comical  theater." 
154 


"Apartment  House  Life 

Lonesomeness  arrived  to  me  as  much  as 
that  apartment  would  hold.  It  were  true 
I  could  breathe  more  with  less  persons  tak 
ing  up  room;  yet  my  thoughts  became  all  by 
themselves.  I  feel  like  Hon.  Robinson  Caruso 
on  a  vacant  island. 

One  early  a.  m.  Hon.  Mrs  uprose  for 
breakfast  early  at  n  o'clock.  She  approach 
to  me  with  tear-drop  eye. 

"  Togo,"  she  say,  "  you  have  been  with  me 
5  entire  weeks.  Therefore  you  can  be  con 
sidered  the  oldest  family  servant  in  N.  Y. 
I  shall  reward  you  with  bad  news.  My  Hus 
band  has  did  so  much  brokerage  in  Wall  Street 
that  he  has  broke.  Therefore,  we  shall  be 
more  tight  compressed  than  usual." 

"  How  could  it?  "  I  ask  feelishly. 

"  We  must  move  to  a  smaller  flat,"  she  glub. 
"Will  you  faithfully  follow  us  thereto?" 

"Mrs  Madam,"  I  entrench,  "I  might  do 
faithfully  what  you  say.  I  might  follow  you 
to  smaller  flat,  but  how  could  I  squeeze  in 
when  I  got  there?  Excuse  me  while  I  go 
to  Arizona  where  I  can  stand  with  1000  miles 
on  each  side  of  me  and  can  turn  over  in  bed 
without  wounding  my  elbows  on  a  wash- 
stand.  Indians  does  not  live  so  high  as  New 
Yorkers,  but  they  lives  much  broader." 
155 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Hon.  Mrs  explode  her  voice  from  my  words 
and  attemp'  to  imprison  my  escape  by  locking 
front  door.  But  she  could  not.  With  Sam 
urai  war-cry  I  open  umbruella  and,  attaching 
myself  to  handle,  I  make  jump-out  from  bed 
room  window  and  flew  9  stories  like  Hon. 
Glen  Curtiss. 

When  I  arrived  to  pave-walk  Hon.  Janitor 
see  me  and  report, 

"  You  are  broken  out  with  lunacy." 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 
Yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


156 


XIV    CAN  AUTOMOBILES  BE 
TAMED  FOR  HOME  USE? 


XIV    CAN  AUTOMOBILES  BE 
TAMED  FOR  HOME  USE? 

To  Editor  Home  and  Lady  Page  who  are  so 
smooth  of  heart  and  soft  of  mind  he  Can 
safely  introduce  gasolene  into  most  explosive 
families. 

DEAR  Hon.  Mr!-— With  delicious  rapid 
ity  I  shot  off  from  my  last  situation  of 
work,  care  Mrs.  Seth  Hopp,  Camden,  N.  J. 
This  lady  admire  my  talent  so  much  she  ap 
point  me  to  every  task  of  a  disagreeable 
nature.  In  her  supply  of  housework  she  in 
clude  one  slight,  grey  ottomobile  of  one-lung 
capacity  and  asthma  of  engine.  This  machin 
ery  are  like  mosquitos,  small  but  cross. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  have  always  dreaded  to  get 
acquainted  with  ottomobiles  because  they  are 
connected  with  so  many  crimes.  Yet  when  I 
am  employed  as  Gen.  Houseworker  in  a  house 
where  a  cook  must  understand  chauffering, 
what  could  I? 

Last  Munday  a.  m.  Hon.  Mrs.  Hopp  ap- 
159 


Mr,  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

proach  to  me  with  racetrack  expression  and 
corrode, 

"  Togo,  as  soonly  as  you  finish  washing 
dishes,  go  out  to  garage  and  wash  ottomobile. 
Then  take  him  down  to  R  R  depot  to  meet  Mr. 
Hopp  at  5.66  train." 

"  I  do  not  understood  your  ottomobile,"  I 
abject. 

"  Nobody  does/'  she  say  cheerly.  "  Yet  I 
are  sure  you  can  become  mister  of  this  difficult 
wagon,  because  Japanese  are  extra  bright 
little  people." 

I  thank  her  with  bent  stomach.  And  yet 
calm  nervousness  straddled  my  heart. 

As  soonly  as  I  had  finished  bathing  dishes, 
Hon.  Mrs.  lead  me  forthly  to  gas-stable  where 
that  iron  animal  stood  amidst  awful  per 
fumery.  I  was  shocked  to  observe  the  cruel 
expression  of  lamps  with  which  he  gazed  at 
me. 

"  He  are  simple  and  good  natured  when 
you  know  his  habits,"  she  explain. 

"  This  truth  are  also  true  of  vampires,"  I 
dib  for  frights. 

"  Your  duty  must  be  to  dust  him  night  and 

morning,  manicure  his   carborette  and  train 

him  to  obey.     When  you  learn  to  control  him, 

it  shall  be  your  duty  to  drive  Hon.  Mr.  Hopp 

160 


Can  ^Automobiles  be  Tamed? 

back  &  forthly.     I  show  you  how  to  learn." 

Hon.  Mrs  go  to  home  &  put  on  racetrack 
hat  peculiar  to  motor.  Then  she  teach  me 
free  lesson. 

Firstly  she  go  to  front  nose  of  Hon.  Otto- 
mobile  and  twist  crank  resembling  ice 
cream  freezer.  Mad  trembly  arrive  from  his 
insides ! 

"  Now  he  are  ready  to  do  anything,"  col 
lapse  Hon.  Mrs  dragging  me  to  seat  besides 
her.  I  set  here  holding  on  to  my  soul. 

"  Observe  my  antics  if  possible,"  she  com 
mit  with  extreme  dexterity  of  thumbs,  heels, 
hands  &  elbows  while  she  poke  6  buttons,  jerk 
I  doz  handles,  inflame  electricity  and  make 
goose-cry  by  horn. 

I  sat  gast  to  see  her.  WHOOSH!!  We 
commence  onward. 

"That  are  way  to  start  ottomobile,"  hol 
la  Mrs  Seth  Hopp  while  avoiding  death  on 
road  &  wheeling  corners  with  aviator  expres 
sion. 

"  It  are  easy  like  astronomy,"  I  rejoint, 
holding  on  to  my  hair  to  keep  him  from  blow 
ing  off.  And  so  forth. 

At  R.  R.  station  we  stop  up  and  load  on 
Hon.  Mr.  Hopp,  one  large,  portable  man  of 
important  fat. 

161 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"Togo  are  learning  to  chaff  this  car  so  he 
can  drag  you  back  &  forth,"  decry  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  He  do  not  look  very  powerful,"  contuse 
him  cattishly. 

How  could  he  realise? 

Mr.  Editor,  driving  ottomobiles  are  a  war 
like  work  unsuited  to  Gen.  Housekeeping. 
How  can  I  do  hired  girl  tasks,  yet  expect  my 
self  to  command  those  harsh  cranks  and  greasy 
energy  what  makes  gasolene  go?  To  make 
a  chauffeur  out  of  a  cook  are  like  making 
bullets  out  of  buscuits.  It  could  be  done,  but 
can  it? 

Yet  this  Mrs.  Seth  Hopp,  Hon.  Lady  of 
extreme  brain,  was  determined  I  should  be  a 
chum  to  her  car,  although  I  were  sure  he  did 
not  like  my  looks.  Each  morning  for  y2- 
hour  time  she  give  me  lesson  in  how  to  start 
ottomobiles.  I  learn  this  with  all  the  fido 
qualities  of  my  Japanese  religion.  Yet  some 
thing  told  me  different. 

"  This  horsepower  are  full  of  mules,"  I  tell 
her  one  day  while  I  set  there  pulling  13 
handles  expecting  Hon.  Car  to  go  when  he 
would  not. 

"  Brace  uply !  "  she  say  for  courage.     "  Any 
child  can  start  an  ottomobile." 
162 


Can  Automobiles  be  Tamed? 

"  Why  you  not  employ  a  child,  then  ?  "  I 
require. 

I  could  see  by  her  silence  that  she  did  not 
admire  my  rudeness. 

After  practice  I  become  more  intellectual 
with  that  machinery.  With  kindly  assist 
ance  from  Hon.  Mrs  I  could  tease  him  to 
start  from  his  barn  and  run  dangerously 
around  block  amid  loudy  curses  from  gaso 
lene.  Pride  filled  me  up.  Folks  often  feels 
thusly  before  cyclones. 

That  p.  m.  Hon.  Mrs  arrive  to  kitchen 
where  I  was  manufacturing  pie  with  mush 
room  expression  peculiar  to  cooks. 

"  Togo,"  she  denounce,  "  you  sippose  you 
can  now  start  Hon.  Ottomobile  by  your  lone 
some  self?" 

"  No  starter  could  ever  be  more  scientific 
than  me,"  I  negotiate,  holding  pie-crust  on 
my  wrists. 

"  Glad  to  hear !  "  she  congratulate.  "  Hon. 
Mr.  Hopp  return  to-night  by  6.6^2  train. 
Feed  2  gals  gasolene  to  Hon.  Ottomobile  and 
deliver  Hon.  Husband  to  me  as  soonly  as 
possible." 

This  were  supreme  time  for  prides.  Bell 
boys,  admirals  and  postmasters  seldom  feel 
more  happy  in  time  of  great  victory. 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

I  put  on  respectaful  gloves  &  greasy  over 
coat  to  resemble  chauffer.  I  smudge  some 
engine-smoke  across  nose,  so  I  should  look 
more  mechanical.  Then  I  go  to  gas-stable 
and  quell  Hon.  Ottomobile  with  my  hero  ex 
pression.  He  seem  quite  doggish. 

Skilful  cranks  by  me.  Loud  roary  from 
his  stomach.  Like  Hon.  Julius  Caesar  cross 
ing  the  Delaware  I  lep  to  seat  &  make  my 
heels,  thumbs  &  elbows  go  in  all  directions. 

0  banzai !     That  sweet,  tame  ottomobile  jump 
forwards  like  a  canary.     Defly  I  turn  wheel 
and  make  him  sidle  up  one  street  &  down 
next.     Citizens  was  seen  dodging  respectfully 
side  by  side  to  let  me  pass.     One  gentleman 
raise  Bull  Moose  voice  and  mention  it  when 

1  scratch  his  knuckles  slightly.     More  faster 
and  yet  more  so  I  sped  onwards.     I   seem 
to  be  walking  on  golden  wings.     Poetry  cir 
culated    in   my    chest.     Thusly    do    gasolene 
make  heroes  of  us  all. 

Pretty  soonly  I  arrive  up  to  R  R  station 
where  I  observe  Hon.  Hopp  standing  there 
in  all  the  importance  of  his  fat.  Him  &  sev 
eral  conductors  looked  very  gast  when  they 
observe  great  skill  with  which  I  knocked  hitch- 
ing-post  from  befront  of  saloon  and  still  came 
on. 

164 


Can  Automobiles  be  Tamed? 

All  wheels  was  waltzing  nicely  as  I  turn 
Hon.  Car  close  to  platform,  intending  for  to 
stop  and  load  on  Hon.  Boss. 

But  alast!  when  I  got  there  I  could  not 
stay.  Despite  of  how  I  wiggled  handles, 
punched  buttons,  reversed  myself  with  heels 
and  commanded  with  voice,  that  inflamed 
chariot  were  deaf  to  pity  and  determined 
to  continue  onward.  Hon.  Mr  make  motions 
for  me  to  arrest  myself,  but  all  I  could  do 
was  to  set  in  seat  while  Hon.  Car  gollup  rudely 
around  block.  With  Samurai  calmness  I  con 
tinue  to  turn  wheel,  hoping  thusly  to  arrive 
back  to  station.  And  so  I  did.  Pretty  soonly 
I  come  up  to  R  R  platform  again.  Despite 
my  angry  jerks  by  handle,  I  could  observe 
how  peevly  Hon.  Hopp  look  at  me. 

"Togo,"  he  holla,  "come  here!" 

"  I  do  so ! "  I  response,  so  I  make  skilled 
wobble  of  wheel  and  drove  Hon.  Ottomobile 
up  on  platform,  where  he  go  for  Hon.  Boss 
so  straight  that  this  fatty  gentleman  start  off 
with  dodge  run  peculiar  to  ducks  avoiding 
elephants.  But  Hon.  Ottomobile  was  more 
quicker  in  the  legs,  so  he  pounce  on  Hon.  Mr 
with  rude  affection  peculiar  to  New  Found- 
land  dogs.  Groans  by  him.  Toots  by  otto. 
Then  onwards  I  proceeded,  still  attempting  to 

165 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

strangle  that  horsepower  which  would  not 
quit. 

Mr.  Editor,  you  could  not  imagine  such 
stubborn  bullishness  could  be  in  anything  not 
human.  The  more  I  twisted  that  wagon,  the 
faster  he  go.  Ditches,  back  fences  and  trees 
were  splintered  by  his  determination.  At 
lastly,  because  I  knew  it  would  be  convenient 
for  me  to  die  near  the  place  where  I  was  em 
ployed,  I  turned  his  nose  toward  home  of  Hon. 
Mrs  Hopp. 

We  got  there  by  very  cross  lots.  Mrs.  Hopp 
were  standing  by  front  gate  when  I  whoofed 

by. 

"  Togo,"  she  yall  as  I  pass,  "  Did  you  get 
my  husband  ?  " 

"  Yes,  thanks  —  I  got  him  plenty/'  were 
smart  reply  I  make. 

Pretty  soonly,  by  intense  wheeling,  I  come 
back  around  block  to  where  that  sweet-hearted 
lady  was. 

"Put  that  car  back  in  its  stable!"  she 
shreech  like  eagles. 

"  I  obey ! "  was  reply  for  me.  So  with  all 
the  Japanese  courage  I  could  demand  from 
my  ancestors,  I  turn  Hon.  Car  through  front 
fence,  over  vegetable  garden,  across  clothes 
line.  When  I  arrive  to  garage  I  put  Hon. 
166 


Can  Automobiles  "be  Tamed? 

Car  in  very  neatly,  but  Hon.  Garage  refuse 
to  remain  standing  where  he  was,  but  followed 
in  several  fractions.  26  feet  further  on,  Hon. 
Ottomobile,  cursing  like  enraged  kangaroos, 
lep  over  that  cyclone  and  fall  dead  in  heap  of 
splinters.  Nothing  alive  remained  except  a 
few  wheels,  pandemonium  and  me. 

As  soonly  as  my  intellectual  mind  got  back 
in  place,  I  sat  up,  determined  to  see  Hon.  Mrs 
about  resigning  from  that  dangerous  house 
work.  But  she  saw  me  previously. 

"  Togo !  "  she  glub,  "  how  dares  you  make 
this  rumpage  when  I  spend  one  whole  week 
teaching  you  how  to  start  ottomobiles  ?  " 

"  If  you  had  spent  another  week  teaching 
me  how  to  stop  him,  I  should  be  less  scattered," 
were  bright  reply  from  me. 

So  I  remove  my  derby  from  around  my 
neck  &  limp  offwards  feeling  like  tonsilitis. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same 

Yours  truly, 
Hashimura  Togo. 


XV    A  PICNIC  PARTY 


XV      A  PICNIC  PARTY 

To  Editor  Home  &  Lady  Page  who  enjoys 
fresh  air  best  when  slightly  cooked: 

HON.  Dear  Sir:— 
Why  should  tame  folks  wish  to  be  wild 
when  they  are  getting  along  in  nice  candition 
without  any  Nature  around?  I  ask  to  know. 
Hon.  Mrs  Horse  W.  Snow,  by  who  I  was  dis 
charged  away  recently,  might  still  nourish  me 
in  her  house  if  it  was  not  for  fresh  air  subject 
I  tell  you  about: 

This  Hon.  Snow  family  reside  in  Trenton, 
N.  J.,  where  they  live.  Hon.  Mrs  Snow  have 
got  two  (2)  complete  twins,  Frederick  & 
Ederick,  age  4  yrs.  old  each.  Hon.  Horse  W. 
Snow  have  got  asthma.  So  every  one  enjoys 
affliction  in  his  own  way. 

Last  Fryday,  when  I  was  in  Hon.  Kitchen 
manufacturing  pies  by  baking  it,  Hon.  Mrs 
approach  up  to  me  &  explan, 

"  Togo,"  she  say  it,  "  do  you  unstand  pic 
nics?" 

171 


Mr.  Togo:  Mflid  of  All  Work 

"What  kind  of  Gen.  Housekeeping  are 
that  ?  "  I  ask  to  enquire. 

"  It  are  the  only  kind  what  can  be  did  out 
doors,"  she  report. 

"How  do  you  make  a  picnic?"  are  next 
question  for  me. 

"  Picnics  can  be  manufactured  by  follow 
ing  recipee,"  she  snuggest : 

"ist:  —  Fill  an  ottomobile  with  children, 
pie  &  other  sandwitches; 

2st :  —  Find  a  piece  of  Nature  and  set  down 
on  it  with  lunch; 

3st :  —  Continue  this  programme  until  go- 
home  time,  then  do  so." 

I  listened  with  wrapped  attention. 

"  Cannot  Nature  be  seen  without  taking 
lunch  along  ?  "  I  ask  off. 

"  I  have  no  time  to  answer  statistics,"  she 
dib  hashly.  "  To-morrow  morning  by  early 
a.  m.  we  depart  away  in  ottomobile  for  find 
some  soft  place  in  Nature  to  sit  on.  I  wish 
you  prepare  lunch  of  delicious  hard-boiledness 
to  include  egg,  chicken,  more  eggs,  cake,  some 
eggs,  sandwitches  &  confused  varieties  of 
pie." 

"  I  obey  similar  to  soldiers,"  in  voice  from 
me. 

172 


A  Picnic  Party 

"  And  don't  forget  the  eggs,"  she  reproach 
while  eloping  away. 

That  ottomobile  of  Hon.  Horse  W.  Snow 
are  a  7  passenger  car.  Therefore  it  do  not 
act  surprised  when  10  persons  of  sorted  sizes 
gets  into  it.  Thusly,  it  look  last  Satday  morn 
ing  by  early  a.  m.  when  Hon.  Ottomobile  give 
hoots  similar  to  martyrs  about  to  enjoy  break 
down.  Included  among  those  getting  in  was 
Mrs  &  Mr  Horse  W.  Snow  &  2  twins;  Mr 
&  Mrs  Hamlet  J.  Dilk  &  2  yrs.  old  Arthur; 
Togo  &  food;  Ethel  &  Albert,  lovely  young 
folks  who  look  at  each  other  with  fiancee  ex 
pression. 

Honks  by  Hon.  Otto. 

Hon.  Horse  W.  Snow,  who  was  at  the  wheel 
pushing  gasolene,  say,  "  I  have  look  forwards 
to  this  day  for  joyful  time." 

"  We  shall  have  delightful  picnic,"  renig 
Mrs  Horse  W.  "  Togo,  why  are  you  so  unin- 
tellectual  as  to  carry  pie  with  its  head  down 
wards?  " 

"  This  are  delightful  day  to  find  Nature  at 
home,"  say  Hon.  Horse  W.  with  happy  smil 
ing. 

"  It  are,"  derange  Hon.  Mrs.     "  Horse,  why 


173 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

you  insist  on  wheeling  through  so  many  bumps 
that  my  elbows  shake  loose?" 

"  Let  us  go  to  Buttermilk  Falls  where  moss 
is  there,"  snuggest  Hon.  Dilk. 

"  Buttermilk  Falls  are  full  of  disgust,"  re 
port  Hon.  Mrs  Dilk. 

They  would  doubtlessly  enjoyed  some  more 
quarrel,  but  they  were  discontinued  by  rum- 
page  in  their  midst  where  Hons.  Ederick  & 
Frederick  was  making  slaps  to  Hon.  Dilk 
baby,  age  2.  Weepe. 

Everybody  wish  go  somewhere  else.  Ethel 
wish  go  Lover's  Leap.  Albert  require  go  Al- 
toona  Vista.  Hon.  Mrs  Snow  demand  go 
Trolley  View  Park.  I  wish  go  home,  but 
everybody  was  careless  to  ask  my  require 
ments. 

But  Hon.  Snow,  who  was  driving  ottomo- 
bile,  took  us  to  Morning  Glory  Glenn,  be 
cause  nobody  wish  go  there. 

Morning  Glory  Glenn  were  nice  landscape 
resembling  some  photos  of  Nature  I  have 
seen.  It  include  wooden  trees,  a  wet  brook, 
considerable  wasps  &  other  outdoor  symptoms. 

"  Togo,"  say  Hon.  Snow  with  boss  expres 
sion,  "  I  shall  attend  to  all  the  hard  work  of 
this  picnic  if  you  fetch  8  buckets  water,  cut 
down  ii  trees,  make  Dutch  oven  by  piling 
174 


A  Picnic  Party 

stones,  put  baby  to  sleep,  watch  twins  and 
bake  potatus." 

"  This  are  very  restful  spot,"  report  Hon. 
Ethel. 

I  did  not  notice  it.  Nature  look  like  any 
other  kitchen  to  me,  except  there  was  more 
room  to  get  tired  in. 

In  the  immediate  meanwhile  all  that  picnic 
were  unfastening  lunching  basket  and  enjoy 
ing  many  unpleasant  things  about  him. 

"  Who  spilled  mustard  in  angel  cake  ?  "  re 
quire  Hon.  Snow  looking  like  a  jury. 

"  Togo,"  report  Hon.  Mrs  Snow  peevly. 

I  say  nothing  by  chopping  wood. 

"  Who  broke  17  eggs  &  forgot  to  bring  but 
ter  while  doing  so  ? "  approach  Hon.  Ethel 
with  finacee  eyebrows. 

"  Togo,"  snuggest  Hon.  Albert  with  engaged 
expression. 

I  carry  silent  firewood  to  blazes. 

Hon.  Mrs  Dilk  spread  down  tablecloth  of 
Turkish  redness  &  make  him  look  good  house 
keeping  by  putting  plates,  pickles,  ham  & 
saucers  on  him. 

"  It  are  going  to  rain ! "  report  all  together 
like  chorus  girls. 

"  I  are  to  blame  for  that  also,"  I  acknowl 
edge. 

175 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

All  seem  pleased  to  hear  my  crime,  yet  no 
intellectual  reply. 

By  wet  water  of  runnybrook,  Frederick  & 
Ederick  was  playing  Indian  by  using  Mrs 
Dilk's  2  yrs.  old  baby  for  a  prisoner.  Pretty 
soonly,  they  dropped  Hon.  Baby  in  wet  water 
to  see  how  well  he  float.  He  did  not  do  so, 
thank  you;  therefore  I  must  plunge  myself 
in  and  remove  Baby  out.  He  notice  my 
chivalry  by  angry  howells. 

"  I  have  saved  your  Baby  from  a  watery 
tombstone,"  I  report  to  Mrs  Dilk. 

"  Could  you  not  save  him  without  wetting 
his  feet  so  seriously?"  she  ask  out  cranker- 
ously. 

"  Next  time  he  drowns,  he  should  carry  an 
umberella ! "  I  snuggest,  while  poking  potatus 
in  fire  where  they  would  burn  better. 

Hon.  Sky  now  look  very  sorry  like  he  ex 
pect  rain.  Yet  not  yet.  Lunching  were 
nearly  most  prepared.  Ethel  &  Albert  were 
enjoying  disagreeable  love-talk,  Hon.  Snow 
&  Hon.  Dilk  was  drinking  appetite  from  bot- 
tel,  Frederick  &  Ederick  was  weeping  as  usual 
—  when  Oh!!!!  Hon.  Mrs  Dilk  come  hop- 
jump  over  hill  and  make  following  explana 
tion: 

"Bull!    Bull!!" 

176 


A  Picnic  Party 

We  could  hear  somebody  talking  moo- 
language  slightly  off  in  distance. 

"  Who  shall  save  us  ?  "  require  Hon.  Snow, 
picking  up  Ed.  &  Fred,  (twins)  while  Hon. 
Mrs  Dilk  obtained  Baby. 

Looking  over  the  eyebrow  of  the  hill,  I  ob 
serve  one  fatherly  cow  enjoying  salad  of  daisy- 
cup  blossoms.  He  seemed  to  be  a  smiling  cat 
tle  of  Tammany  Hall  nature. 

"  Togo,"  require  Hon.  Snow  with  militia 
expression,  "  you  go  scare  Hon.  Bull  off  wards 
while  me  &  Mr  Dilk  bravely  save  wives  & 
children." 

They  all  began  walking  backwards  to  fence 
86  feet  away.  That  Hon.  Bull  appear  very 
civilized,  so  I  was  sure  he  would  go  away  by 
request.  I  had  read  in  news-print,  some- 
wheres,  that  bulls  are  afraid  of  red  rags ;  there 
fore,  I  took  up  that  reddy  tablecloth  and  ap 
proach  close  by  his  nose  making  waves  with  it. 

"  Shoo !  "  I  repeat  like  a  toreador. 

All  folks,  while  running,  yell,  "  Don't  do ! 
Don't  do !  "  but  I  was  too  busy  scaring  bulls  to 
make  notice  of  them. 

All  suddenly,  Hon.  Bull  look  upwards  & 

observe  my  antix.     He  must  of  been  extra 

brave,  because  that  red  rag  did  not  scare  him 

slightly.     Snores  of  rage  from  him.     He  be- 

177 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

gin  pawing  grass  with  finger-nails.  Loudly 
bellus  by  him.  Then  —  O  rush  ! !  He  ele 
vated  his  horns  downwards  and  make  gollup 
for  me. 

When  I  see  how  ambitious  he  look,  I  did 
one  great  heroism :  I  continued  to  wave  red 
rag  &  rush  towards  them  picnic  folks  so  I 
could  be  there  to  protect  them  when  Hon.  Bull 
begin  to  hook.  They  was  48  feet  ahead  of 
me,  but  me  &  Hon.  Bull  run  very  fast.  I  keep 
ahead,  because  he  stop  to  swear  two  or  three 
times.  We  reached  Hon.  Fence  together, 
just  as  Hon.  Snow  &  Hon.  Dilk  was  getting 
over  with  armful  of  family. 

Roars!!  That  grand-square  animal  kicked 
me  with  horns  so  skilfully  that  I  made  air 
ship  movement  &  come  down  on  fence  just 
in  time  to  help  Hon.  Dilks  &  family  fall  over. 
Yet  they  was  thankless.  Everybody  was  on 
other  side  by  that  time.  You  would  think 
they  should  be  happy  to  see  me  light  among 
them  —  yet  not. 

Hon.  Bull  spent  36  minutes  making  angry 
promenades  up  &  down  fence  talking  ora 
tory  in  cow  language.  Then  he  go  back  to 
where  Hon.  Lunch  was  &  spent  rest  of  after 
noon  kicking  it  into  river  with  horns. 

Hon.  Sky  begin  to  rain  &  them  (2)  twins 
178 


A  Picnic  Party 

made  it  wetter  by  weeps.  All  wish  to  go 
homewards,  but  that  was  umpossible,  because 
Hon.  Ottomobile  were  in  field  next  to  where 
Hon.  Bull  were  setting  down. 

At  7:26  p.  m.  time,  Hon.  Farmer  come 
along  with  moustache  under  chin  &  offer  to 
coax  off  Bull,  price  $5. 

"  He  are  harmless/'  interrogate  Hon. 
Farmer. 

"I  know  it,"  report  Hon.  Snow.  "He 
merely  chased  us  to  tell  us  so." 

We  all  got  into  car,  pretty  soonly,  and  start 
homewards  amidst  considerable  drips  and 
shipwrecked  feelings  of  stumach. 

"  Shakspeare  never  wrote  nothing  so  tragic 
like  to-day,"  glub  Hon.  Snow. 

"  Dearie,  when  you  see  Nature,  you  must 
take  him  like  he  comes,"  snuggest  Hon.  Mrs. 

"  He'll  have  to  come  to  my  house,  next  time 
I  see  him,"  he  dib. 

When  we  arrive  up  to  R.  R.  station,  I  was 
surprised:  Hon.  Snow  stop  Ottomobile. 

"  Togo/'  he  say  so,  "  This  are  where  you 
get  off." 

"  You  wish  me  depart  homeless  ?  "  I  snag- 
ger. 

"  Since  you  are  so  smart  at  flagging  bulls," 
he  resnort,  "  maybe  you  can  wave  red  rags 
179 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

at  engineer  and  tell  him  take  you  some  place 
where  picnics  is  unknown  &  brains  unneces 
sary." 

Speaking  thusly,  Hon.   Ottomobile  depart 
away  full  of  honks. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

Hashimura  Togo. 


180 


XVI    AN  ADVENTURE  IN  BANTING 


XVI  AN  ADVENTURE  IN  BANTING 

To  Editor  Ladies'  Page  which  are  never  too 
fat  to  seem  agreeable. 

HON  Mr:  Last  job  I  were  divorced  from 
were  home  of  Hon.  Mrs  Violet  J.  Bobb 
who  resides  in  the  suburbs  of  Illinois.  This 
Hon.  Bobb  lady  seem  very  wholsale  about  her 
beauty  which  contain  207  Ibs  complete  poise. 

One  day  she  approach  to  me  &  report, 

"  Togo,"  she  say  so,  "  I  am  going  to  have 
a  reduction  of  myself." 

"Will  you  be  a  great  bargain?"  I  ask  to 
know. 

"  Ah  surely  yes !  "  she  deploy.  "  I  intend 
to  be  marked  down  from  207  Ibs  to  180  in  one 
month." 

I  show  my  amazement  by  surprise. 

"  What  will  Hon.  Mr  Bobb  say,"  I  rebuke, 
"  when  he  return  to  dinner  each  p.  m.  and  find 
his  Love  growing  less  and  less?  Would  you 
shrink  thusly  from  the  hand  that  feeds  you?  " 

"If  that  hand  did  not  feed  me  so  much,  per- 
183 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

hapsly  I  would  be  less  mountainous,"  she  gol- 
lup. 

Yet  she  were  determined.  With  immedi 
ate  quickness  she  send  to  Hon.  Dr  Physician 
and  get  Aunty  Fat  cure.  Following  was 
recipe  for  it: 

ist  —  Make  things  disagreeable  for  self 
and  others. 

2st  —  Dress  in  rubber  shirt-waist  &  exer 
cise  until  entirely  unhappy.  Keep  on  doing 
so. 

3st  —  Avoid  sleep  by  keeping  awake. 

4st  —  Avoid  foods  in  any  form.  Beef  tea 
&  hard  tack  may  be  used  as  a  substitute. 
Add  Gen.  Discomfort. 

5st  —  Keep  away  from  pleasant  thoughts, 
as  these  are  very  fatty. 

6st  —  Shun  all  proteids,  caryatids  and 
asteroids. 

Mr  Editor,  did  you  ever  try  to  cook  for 
a  lady  what  requires  nothing  to  eat  but  hard 
tack  &  beef  tea?  Such  work  might  be  easy, 
but  it  ain't.  Supplying  her  with  meals  were 
like  feeding  canned  vacuum  to  camels  —  light 
work,  but  deliciously  scientific. 

Hon.  Mr  Bobb,  who  was  thin  and  red  headed 
like  a  match,  could  eat  a  banquet  multiplied 
by  three  each  day  and  appear  just  as  wirey 
184 


Banting 

as  before.  Foods  make  him  thinner,  so  he 
require  it  continuously.  Therefore,  I  must 
cook  very  lopsided  meals  for  them  Bobbs  to 
eat  it.  For  dinner-eat  Hon.  Bobbs  absorb 
veal  stew  containing  potatus,  fricaseed  gravy, 
hot  buns  &  beans  of  great  wealth.  But  Hon. 
Mrs  Bobbs  give  me  strick  orders  to  serve  her 
only  bowl  of  soupless  broth  with  plate  of  very 
hard  tack. 

"  I  appreciate  bravery  of  soldiers,"  she  say, 
eating  with  gnaws. 

"  Why  should  it  ?  "  reply  her  husband. 

"  Because,"  she  wep,  "  after  eating  hard 
tack  for  I  week  I  should  be  willing  to  die  for 
Country  or  anything  else." 

For  dessert  Hon.  Mr  had  a  minced  pie  while 
Hon.  Mrs  had  a  hysteric.  When  Hon.  Mr 
seen  this  noise  he  run  to  telephone  and  re 
port. 

"  Oh  Dr,  Dr  I  "  he  holla,  "  Hon.  Mrs  have 
got  one  hysteric  1 " 

"  So  glad  to  hear !  "  rejoint  Hon.  Medicine 
with  smiling  voice.  "  Grief  are  a  great  re 
ducer." 

Hon.  Mrs  took  walking  exercise  every 
morning  from  9  o'clock  until  she  got  back. 
In  this  promenade  she  resemble  elephants 
marching  in  Siamese  funeral  —  each  footstep 

185 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

seemed  to  go  in  front  of  the  other  with  sorry 
expression  of  great  weight.  When  she  return 
back  she  set  down  in  parlour  attempting  to  de 
ceive  herself  into  staying  awake. 

"  Your  lunching  are  prepared  on  table,"  I 
pronounce  with  servant  voice. 

"  Please  do  not  call  beef  tea  lunching !  " 
she  snib  like  a  cross  stork. 

She  set  down  and  et  hard  tack  with  ex 
treme  desolation. 

After  lunching  she  go  groanfully  to  upstairs 
side.  Pretty  soonly  I  hear  plaster  and  other 
brick-a-brack  falling  amidst  considerable 
earthquake,  so  I  know  Hon.  Mrs  was  rolling 
her  figure  over  the  carpet. 

After  2  complete  weeks  of  this  hygiene  had 
went  by,  Hon.  Bobbs  come  home  one  night 
with  scales  for  weighing  coal. 

"  Now  we  shall  observe  how  much  you  have 
subtracted  by  efforts,"  he  negotiate  cheerly. 

"  I  am  so  wasted  away  I  can  scarcely  jump," 
she  mone.  She  step  to  scales  which  throw  up 
their  arms  with  loudy  clatter  when  she  got  on. 

Hon.  Bobbs  hang  considerable  100  Ibs  of 
iron  to  Hon.  Scales  before  he  could  strike  a 
balance.  At  lastly  Mrs  Madam  was  weighed. 

"  Dearie,"  report  Hon.  Husband  with  voice, 
186 


Banting 

"You  have  not  suffered  all  for  vain.    You 
have  lost  exactly  */>  Ib ! " 
She  fainted  all  over  him. 

Mr.  Editor,  there  are  nothing  more  injurious 
to  life  than  doing  what  is  good  for  us.  Folks 
seeking  health  are  considerable  insurance  risk. 
Dutiful  persons  is  nearly  always  cross,  and 
dypsepia  are  the  favourits  pastime  of  folks 
what  never  do  no  harm  to  their  interior 
stomachs. 

Me  &  Hon.  Bobbs  got  entirely  worried 
about  how  Hon.  Mrs  was  making  behaviour. 
In  losing  2  Ibs  she  dropped  her  spirits  I  ton. 
So  I  make  lecture  to  her  on  this  subjeck  one 
day. 

"  Why  you  live  in  midst  of  groceries  &  take 
nothing?"  I  ask  out.  "Sailors  enjoys  more 
bill  of  fare  when  shipwrecked  on  logs.  When 
driven  desperado  by  hunger  thay  can  at  leastly 
cook  each  other." 

"  Not  having  to  drink  beef  tea  are  sifficient 
to  make  them  happy,"  she  croke  with  Ibsen 
voice. 

All  day  she  behave  with  air  of  rejected  ali 
mony.  When  her  Husband  encroach  home 
by  night  time  he  notice  this. 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

"  Kitten,"  he  require,  "  how  much  pounds 
you  lost  to-day  ?  " 

Peeved  silence  by  her. 

"  O  dearie,"  he  deplore.  "  If  you  continue 
this  bant  some  longer,  home  will  never  seem 
snug  again.  Since  you  started  to  reduce,  you 
have  become  fatter  and  me  thinner.  In  at 
tempting  to  reduce  your  waist  you  merely 
make  your  mind  narrow.  The  less  you  eat 
the  more  biting  your  replies  becomes.  O  fill 
my  home  like  once  you  used  to  do,  or  I  shall 
blow  off  and  become  suddenly  zero ! " 

Thus  he  say  it  with  voice  like  a  sad  actor. 
But  she  merely  set  exercising  her  elbows 
cruely  like  a  Svoboda. 

Next  morning  while  Hon.  Mrs  were  off 
making  lonesome  walk  for  thinness,  I  was 
in  kitchen  thinking  thoughtfully  about  Fat. 
Why  should  ladies  abhor  this  delicious  pad 
ding?  I  ask  to  know.  Are  not  round  circles 
more  beautiful  than  straight  strings  ?  Are  not 
pillows  more  lovely  as  snakes?  Answer  is, 
Yes ! ! ! 

Therefore,  I  must  lead  this  Boss  Lady  away 
from  her  emaciated  mania  before  her  husband 
removed  himself  from  her  peeved  disposition 
and  happy  home  was  shipwrecked  around  my 
kitchen. 

188 


Banting 

So  I  lit  gas  stove,  took  out  recipe  book,  flour, 
sugar,  apples  &  other  nourishments  and  with 
immediate  quickness  I  began  stewing  things 
what  smelled  like  a  banquet. 

At  noon  time  Hon.  Mrs  Madam  come  to 
table  and  set  down,  as  usual,  with  forceable- 
feeding  expression. 

I  put  Hon.  Soup  befront  of  her.  She 
startle. 

"What  food  is  this  which  smell  so  dis 
obediently  fragrant?  "  she  ask  out. 

"  Tometoes  soup  six  inches  thick  &  full  of 
fatty  nourishment,"  I  rake  off. 

"  I  refuse  to  eat  such !  "  she  yellup  —  and 
before  I  could  took  it  away  she  had  assimil 
ated  it  entirely  with  spoon. 

Next  dish  were  turkey  hash  escorted  by 
fried  potatus,  cinnamoney  rolls,  jelly  &  baked 
bean. 

"  I  shall  scold  you ! "  she  commence,  but 
could  not  do  so  because  she  was  too  busy  fork 
ing  that  food  with  considerable  smacks. 

And    so    onward    through    complete    pro 
gramme  of  vegetables  until  she  reach  apple 
dumpling  &  2  cups  chocolate. 
She  sigh. 

Pretty  soonly  I  observe  her  in  parlour-room 
laying  on  sofa,  eating  candy-box  and  reading 
189 


Mr.  Togo:  Maid  of  All  Work 

Mrs  Humpley  Ward  book  for  sentimental 
joys.  Sleep  arrived  nextly,  and  I  felt  quite 
patriotic  to  think  how  peaceful  she  was  for  2 
complete  hours. 

At  hour  of  4:27  p.  m.  she  came  to  kitchen 
with  new  expression  of  brightly  smiling. 

"  Togo,"  she  report,  "  you  have  saved  my 
life  by  your  disobedience.  How  dare  you?" 

"A  Samurai  ain't  afraid  of  nothing,  not 
even  Fat,"  I  snuggest. 

"  You  have  went  strickly  against  my  orders/5 
she  guggle.  "  It  were  a  delicious  meal.  Yet 
I  must  punish  you  for  your  impertinence. 
How  much  wages  I  owe  you  ?  " 

"$5,"  I  acknowledge. 

"Here  are  $15,"  she  explode.  "$5  for 
your  disobedience  &  $10  for  your  talents. 
Henceforward  you  are  fired." 

"  I  was  never  more  affectionately  discharged 
in  all  my  experience,"  I  absolve  while  putting 
on  hat  &  coat.  "  While  I  am  vacant  from  this 
job  would  you  please  hire  my  Cousin  Nogi, 
who  is  also  intelligent  ?  " 

"  If  he  are  a  good  cook,  send  him  around," 
she  greet  while  I  depart  feeling  like  my  brain 
was  on  backwards. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same 
Yours  truly 

Hashimura  Togo. 
190 


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